poetry critical

online poetry workshop



i saw dawn swimming
gnormal

Dawn swam in black
 1
the quiet red rose
 2
out of the water
 3
        .
 4

11 Aug 08

Rated 9.3 (9) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 10
Inactive (1): 8, 9

(define the words in this poem)
(181 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Nice, but I'd like to see the confusion of rose the noun and rose the verb clarified. It's not quite working for me as is.
 — redhen

Is this the quiet red rose or the quiet red (meaning the sun maybe) rose out of the water.

I know it could be whatever the reader wants but I'd like to know what the writer had in mind.  Maybe you need the word until.  You also need to put that period in the right place, it's just hanging there like a black sun.
 — Isabelle5

personally i adore the over-lay of the noun and verb in this... it's simple, clever and delicate.

there is a transitional space here between metaphor and imagery ... that pause before the breaking of day, or the unfurling of petal from bud... still waters unbroken by the ripples of the future...

this speaks quite loudly (to me) and has complexity far beyond the few words written here, yep it is a application to whatever pre 'awakening' suspension of observation before the commital of form that becomes the reality, of self, of decision, of other, of object...  and the relationships between them all..

this is something i've been trying to capture as a 'twilight' moment... yet here it is in gorgeous short form, in 16 delicious syllables... in a coy, sensual interlocking of noun and verb...

love it ... added to faves... rated 10

~ Mong
 — Mongrol

love the duality in the word "rose".  

What?  Dig it.
 — nugunz

TRUE HAIKU! VERY DIFFICULT THING TO CAPTURE, THAT, I THINK. I WAS COMPELLED AFTER MY QUICK-CIGARETTE LUNCH TO COMMENT. I SAW THE LIST AND CHECKED THAT GNORMAL POST AND WENT FOR THAT LUNCH, SUCH AS IT WAS, AND WAS TRULY COMPELLED. THIS LITTLE THINGY WILL BECOME SOMETHING WHEN LIFE SLOWS DOWN. LINE 1 SEEMS VERY JARRING, NOT AS CALMING RISING AS THE REST AND I WONDER WHETHER IT CAME LAST, OR PERHAPS COULD/SHOULD BE COMING LAST. FANTASTIC!
 — chuckle_s

now i missed out on this for almost a month.

nice period to end a complete haiku.
would have been tempted to put in a 4th line
10 months ago or farther back.

casts a deja vu spell on me and a recurring
"into the core [of me]" lame attempt at/for the
4th line.

"." means "don't mess with it; it's done!"
very nicely-captured moment.

thank you, sir.
: )
 — fractalcore

the ocean water was warm at 5am as always.
out about
100m it became quiet.
and then i saw the sun [space] rise.
quite nice.

i tried as hard as i could to distill it
as i tread
 — gnormal

and so it was one of
those rare "japanese" sms
moments when this experience
was shared with someone
making amends with sobriety.

wish it were sake though
and who would've cared
for a red sane sun [space] set?

: )
 — fractalcore

and so it was one of those
rare "japanese" sms moments when
the experience was shared with
someone making amends with
sobriety.

wish it were sake though
and who would've cared
for a red sane sun [space] set?

: )
 — fractalcore

sorry, i didn't see that double sunset coming.

: )
 — fractalcore

as a high-IQ poem this has imagism making many reflections of rising roses rippling many Suns -- awe
 — AlchemiA

Stars are always high and let you look it up. But if you can shine you can become star. And the light comes from replica designer handbags because everyone can have it. 2012 Miu Miu brand offer new models which look more maturate and beautiful. Cheap replica designer handbags attracted the attention of many female friends, to meet their pursuit of luxury for them, while also saving a lot of expenses.
http://www.copyluxury.biz< br /> http://www.replicaha ndbags-uk.co.uk
http://www.replicawatches.c o
http://www.tagheuerwatche s.biz
 — hehandbags

Cartier handbags and also purses are one sure way to make an emphatic record about your class. In todays world, fashion is everything! The celebrities, people of class and prestige are aware that their outlook and look makes that guff with class resounding and because of this , balenciaga handbags and purses are not far from these celebrities. Celine handbags and purses can be a definition of expertise and quality.

Rolex watches having Japanese movements are highly well known among the followers of this exclusive brand. Rolex is a brand which has many admirers. The genuine Rolex watches are really expensive and thus these exclusive Replica watches having Japanese movements are a much cheaper alternative.
 — nanimu

0.356s