poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Prokaryotes - Welcome to the World, Joseph
Isabelle5

They hang on our eyelids, our cheeks and our chin,
 1
cling to our hair, reproduce on our skin.
 2
Our sweat filled with salts - oh, what a feast,
 3
for the wee little beasties, bacterium, yeast.
 4
 
 
Our beds are Nivana, skin cells raining down,
 5
on pima or fleece, satin or down.
 6
Neisseria, Staph, Strep and Coryne -
 7
they infiltrate us all, the huge and teenie.
 8
 
 
Our food is digested with help from the team -
 9
a pool of warm feces is our gut floras dream.
 10
Without even knowing, we are host to these “guests.”
 11
If we saw them, we’d scream, “Get rid of these pests!”
 12
 
 
The sweet skin of babies, still wet from the ride,
 13
will not long be sterile - Climb aboard, come inside!
 14
Within a few hours, a microbiome.
 15
Bugs got a new body, I got a new "pome."
 16

13 Aug 08

Rated 9 (7.5) by 6 users.
Active (6): 8, 8, 10, 10
Inactive (15): 1, 1, 1, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

a cute limerick of our buddies the bacteria and viruses -- seems the Hospitals are not a good place to get well anymore as they are rife with MRSA, the Deadly Antibiotic-Resistant Bacteria -- it is said that we are almost always sick with various war games that these little creatures are doing inside and around us, nevertheless we are by their very being rich in abundance and digestion wouldn't be the same without 'em --
 — AlchemiA

Of call the readers, I sort of hoped you'd show up to comment.  I was sure you'd understand without looking it all up.  Yes!  
 — unknown

By the end, I was smiling so much I'd forgotten Propioni and teenie. a bit more work and it would trip off the tongue like salmonella, nice idea, playful and fun, but dont take liberties !
 — shaunsout

yes, propioni and teenie don't go but if you're reading fast, you'll read it as propini.  Poetic license, that word-horn that makes it fit.  
 — Isabelle5

I get so excited whenever I read anything remotely to do with science. This was like a mega-feast for me; I have a little stuffed Streptococcus pyogenes, it sits on my bedstand staring woefully at me :D

Delightful!
 — wendz

Might I suggest for l7 to rearrange as "Neisseria, Staph, Strep and Coryne"? Neisseria is the gono/meningitis causing family, are commensals and a bit more intereting than Propioni, plus the reaarange helps the rhythm and rhyme.
 — wendz

Oh, and Joseph Lister, I take it?
 — wendz

enjoyable read.
: )
 — fractalcore

congratulations for your new grandson.
: )
 — fractalcore

you r a genius, issabella, if you ever set your foot in my country i'll keep you here, promise  :)

5 - 8 & 13 -16

are my fav, you got a new poem 10
 — Odin

maybe a semi-colon after bacterium...yes? it needs the extra half-beat.
"the huge and teenie"...well, i suppose people will look at "teenie" and gawk but really "huge" is where it goes all wrong...the huge little weenie would be funny but this is PG13 and that would be naughty.

"I got a new poem". ok, well, puts grammar on the sacraficial altar. maybe something which parallels this "new body" thing, as if you were the bug inside the body of a poem.

anyway, i doubt i could ever like this poem. ever. too much rhyme. all lime, hardly sublime.
 — DeformedLion

Now hold on! A poem with rhymes in it getting top praise. Two words for y'all;
hippo- crites.
You're all such phonies. If it wasn't some big hot shot writing the rhymes, you'd be all over this poem, rating it mediocre and begging the poet to express his feelings without having to make everything sound alike. Disgusting.
 — unknown

Oh, last Unknown, I beg to differ.  Having read Dr Seuss books to all my children and grands, you learn that sometimes the humor must over-write the 'perfection.'

I am not a hot-shot, in fact, the reverse is usually true - some people just seeing my name will rate a poem a 1 or a 5.  Watch, this one will attract its share, with no comments to justify it.

Wendz, yes, that change is exactly what's needed, I could not remember any bacterium that would rhyme with teenie.  Teenie, by the way, is NOT referring to the 'bug life,' it's the humans - big people, little people.

This was fun to write, inspired by a wonderful book called Good Germs, Bad Germs - How to Survive in a Bacterial World.  Love this book!
 — Isabelle5

No, not Joseph Lister, although that's a good catch.  It's Joseph David Salvione, my 3 week old grandson.  
 — Isabelle5

ps - who said that rhyme can't be poetry?  Only GOOD rhyme should be poetry and forgive me if this sounds self-serving but even if this was not my poem, I'd like it.  Real humor, based on real things, is never a bad thing.  We laugh too little around here sometimes.
 — Isabelle5

Orange u glad u use Dial?  Heehee.  :-)
 — starr

Just don't use too much, you never know what will come to colonize the space left by those you kill.
 — Isabelle5

Which is why we should not ban Mor or Joey!  haha
 — unknown

Isabelle, this made my day--what a fun read--it also had me scratching like a dog!
 — PaulS

very funny and enjoyable to read. the only thing i would change would be line 10 and the 'dreaming' reference. gut flora break down food in the digestive tract which is expelled through the anus as faeces. faeces don't live in the same environment as flora and are actually the waste product of their function.

i like the last 2 lines the best. good poem.
 — raskolniikov

To the unknown - I can't stand rhymes, I hate them with a passion, especially when people who can't internal rhyme for balls. However, some rhyming poems are terrific - gnormal's :my lil froggy" and "here we go", to name two excellent ones. This happens to be a good one.

Is - "Coryne" doesn't beed the "i", just a nitpick :) And l10, "flora's"?

I was so excited about having a microbiology pome that I didn't realise it was about a baby, lol. I showed this to one of my friends, she found it very humorous too :D
 — wendz

Germ Warfare.
 — wasp

Rask, dream is correct for this.  These creatures live in our digestive track, certain of them in a small puddle of liquid that is too foul to make more comment on and they LOVE it.  
 — Isabelle5

our eyelids our cheeks our chin
our chin
our chin?
not too sure about nivana. care to explain who/what it is?
if i'd posted line 10 i'm sure you'd blast me for it, but i'll just let it slide outta th'chute 'n say "feces"??? awwwww... c'mon, live a little! go with shit, poo, doo-doo, ka-ka, boombooms, dung, shabiblets, cornspray, something. i mean, really, the poem is trying to combine swanky-assed science crap with "wee little beasties","huge and teenie", why not the thing be a little more fun than "feces". who the hell outside of an examination room says "feces"? who? even heathcliff huxtable probly said to claire "baby, i'm gonna fuck the shit out of you"
 — chuckle_s

Consider it Mr. Science meets Dr Seuss.  If I were trying to post this as a serious and austere poem, Chuckles, I can see your concern.  I am happy to let it stand.  

Yes, on your chin.  Millions hang off our faces every minute.  Be glad not to be blessed with total vision.
 — Isabelle5

I love this poem. It works for me. -Joseph
 — unknown

awesome poem; delightful rhymes, congratulations on your bouncing grandbaby boy!
 — SilverGirl

this is a good poem!!!
 — unknown

Awesome!
 — stackpop

that is the yeast
of my worries
 — unknown

This is really cute.
 — Barranto33

I love it! I'm a microbiology major and wrote a 38 pg paper on the microbiota in a humans gut. So this was a fun read for me :)
 — Porcelain_Lo

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