poetry critical

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I in Silence

In the airs that end with silence
in the creases of incoherent distance
I think of you squirming
on checkerboard linoleum floors of time
like a nude-pink worm on a hook
or in a bistro writing on a napkin
your words and your thoughts
stretched taut scrutinizing
pretty boys
assessing perfumes and smoke rings.
(And in front of a wall-length mirror
I see you;
a photograph of sorrow
your soft beingness
pitiable in a room
of resounding volume
hoping that you don't ask me for words
rather rely on my tongue-tied gestures.)
You are a sad endless aria.

14 Aug 08

Rated 7 (7) by 5 users.
Active (5): 1, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 1, 7, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)

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come back my lil baba

i have pani and areolas for you

venkatarama saraswai bindra
 — unknown

'squirming in a nude-pink worming' would have been cool. this is nice retro 1930's writing, and fun to read. i don't think the English really like poetry, and that's the charm of this English Poetry from 1934 piece. the next one is about coal miners?
 — joey

how do you do it, trochee? it's nicely written, and i can't think that you actually were doing retro -- and this doesn't seem cloned -- the voice seems to me to be consistent -- are you writing for 'mood' when you write something like this, or is it a wording-image that you fall into? i don't know if i'm clear when i say 'word-image', but it's like the lighting in a stage play and how that sets the tone.

 — joey

by the way, the title really bothers me. even 'the airs that end with silence', as a title might be appropriate?
 — joey

the title both attracts and repels as almost trite -- the body of the pome makes up for it and delivers to us a dichotomy of pain -- there was a forum here on self-loathing and this piece encapsulates that with grace --
 — AlchemiA

oh nice one troch,
i pity the foo, who tries to break your beingness.

line 3 was oooooooh so long, phew man, had to give it a few tires...i mean, tries.  =-)

great writing!
 — jenakajoffer

: )
 — fractalcore

yes diffinitely a good write. fav 10
 — bohemian

This is a great angst poem trochee.  I also think the title could be stronger--perhaps, as joey suggests, the first line of the poem would work.  The poem itself is strong.  Nice work.
 — PaulS

thanks unknown.
thanks joey. the retro voice formed along the way i guess, wasnt intentional.
changed the title a bit.
thanks alch...

helo jen.. foo? tires?  ;) me cannot understand, what you saying to try.

thanks fractal.
thanks for the fav bohemian.
thank you paul s
 — trochee

U in Fuck
 — chuckle_s

U in You
 — chuckle_s

fuck you!
 — chuckle_s