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my marb red
iamswanson

i like to hold
 1
my almost burnt
 2
out cigarette
 3
like a
 4
blunt
 5
 
 
thumb and
 6
middle
 7
pinched
 8
suck and blow
 9
suck
 10
and blow
 11
suck
 12
and
 13
blow
 14
 
 
those last three
 15
drags
 16
are the best
 17
 
 
i always want more
 18
 
 
but who doesn't?
 19
 
 
it seems that life,
 20
like the dwindling
 21
cigarette
 22
is
 23
burning
 24
away
 25
 
 
how did i get here?
 26
i want this to last forever
 27
 
 
but i know
 28
and you know
 29
 
 
the filter is near
 30
and everything
 31
and everyone
 32
goes
 33

18 Aug 08

Rated 3 (8.2) by 2 users.
Active (2): 1
Inactive (6): 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

guess the pleasure of a cigarette and of living life can be compared, as well as the inevitable ending after being consumed, and also the shortage and the quickness it - life, cigar - burns away, nice.
 — nisetru

not a bad metaphor :)
 — Mongrol

i think you could cut 18 through 25 and focus this more into the moment and event of you drawing in the reader, which is the space this poem creates well, i think.
 — joey

"like a blunt" what?
 — unknown

Marb Reds!  WORD!  Definite open mike poem if ever I've read one.  :-)
 — starr

thanks nisetru, mongrol, and starr

joey-- i agree with you, i'll look into cutting some lines out
i think i like it better without l18-l25

and unknown--
yes, like a blunt
 — iamswanson

Is this a metaphor? or an ode?
The title makes me think it's an ode.
The last line then, threw me off.

I like it otherwise.
 — thirdeyris

[marlb] butt we
leave and live
anyway.

we
all
do.

butt then again, yeah,
nice nihilistic feel to it.
: )
 — fractalcore

haha thanks fractalore :p
 — iamswanson

woops, *fractalcore
 — iamswanson

I'm not a smoker and never have been, but in a way I suppose I am. I relate to this totally. How did you do that?
 — smugzy

Uppin' this to a 9.  It's really good and certainly relative to the whole scheme of things.  Reminds me of my "Coffee and Cigarettes" poem.  Love my Marbs too.  You might wanna change your title's spelling to "Marb."  Smoke on, brotha.  Smoke on.  :-)
 — starr

Are you going to leave the title that way?  It took me a couple of days to finally read it, I thought it was a typo.

Simple, tight, connected metaphor.  Do you need the repeat of suck and blow?  If you're comparing it to a blunt, there will be a very long suck, not a rapid series of them.  Not that I know anything about that...
 — Isabelle5

the repetition works to create the atmosphere for the next strophe and the last -- never enough like hungry ghosts or desire monkeys wanting more -- having smoked years ago I know this metaphor intimately and who has not contemplated the end of a cigarette as the end of it all -- yet no one said it like this pome does -- the marlb red allusion threw me until I read starr's crits -- in Canada we smoke diffrent brands -- a ten for demonstrating another nail in the coffin
 — AlchemiA

suck and blow suck and blow...yes! that's exactly it! indeed, who doesn't want more.
 — katievideo

thanks to you all for your comments.. i changed the title to "marb".. originally when i wrote "marlb" i was thinking that "marlboro" abreviated would be "marlb"

but you don't say the "l" anyway so it probably doesn't matter
 — iamswanson

You fixed the title.  Awesome!  When I go 2 the store I always ask 4 a "Marb Box" or I just say "Reds."  Much better, brah.  You could even change the title to "Marb Reds" for a more poetic, clever slant on what you're selling.  

Additionally, and remember, it's about poetry, so there are other ways of saying things that can bring in a fresh new sense to the simple act of smoking a cigarette.  For instance, you could, in L3 say "J bar" instead of "blunt."  In L7, "middle" what?  I would definitely include that it's your middle finger.  "Middle" could pertain 2 just about anything really.  In L8, I'd go Present Progressive and say "pinching" and then modify the verb with a noun such as "pinching the tip."  You could also include other "smoking" subjects such as an ashtray, matches, a lighter, the pack, the whole idea of what Marlboro Reds represent and how they're marketed, suffocation (incorporate some idea of breathing and air (second hand smoke), suffocation (as in smoke-related health conditions, etc...)...See my poem "Tony Again" and how I refer to the Marb Reds pack.  These are just some ideas on how you what you might consider in order to beef up the poem from L's 26-33 where it mostly becomes afraid of its own punch.  Food 4 thought.  Smoke that good, stinky shit!  :-)
 — starr

Sorry...I'm gettin' sleepy after having worked all day today, so my typing up above kinda gets a little lost up there.  Heehee.  What I'm saying in the 3rd from the last line is "ideas that you might consider...yadda yadda yadda..."  Okay...a Red and bed for ME.  I'm fuckin' x-hausted.  Hope you check this out and play some more with your words.  It's really a bitch (sometimes,) but it's fun and it's what makes a good poem a MAGNIFICENT poem.  Good luck.  I'll be watchin'.  Peaceout.  :-)
 — starr

ok.
 — unknown

Very good metaphor :D bravo to ya
 — psychofemale

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