You are shameless
because one like You
cannot have shame or guilt.
You with a mind of your own
and with thoughts that you own,
that you forge: mending earth
with its own girders.
You, Judge and Justice
of all you observe,
of all gross matter!
You, who are who You are
without guilt, or arrogance
for what is mere providence,
but rather pride
for Your mind and hands:
beyond all fathoms
of ocean and contemplation.
only those who value You
for it is because of You
that there are values.
You refuse to beg and take
because either offends You;
You as both ends of the cornucopia:
Thanksgiving of all souls,
Fountain of aetherial winds.
Love whom You want
for what You want
will make You happy
(and what kind of Egoist would not want that!)
Just promise me
that you will always be true to your self.
18 Aug 08
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i promise, hehe.
Ms. Rand would be happy to read this.
18 - 20 are really good. nice to find this. 'emblem', like sections of this verse, is when we freeze and detach a living phrase from conversation and use it as a clock. for sure, the clock is ticking, but he's never going to come.
Much of this is very good and effective. It could benefit from some pruning perhaps. Lines 13-17 could you find another word for 'pride' the second time to avoid the repetition? Or remove the second usage?
From line 21 onwards the tone shifts and becomes more imperative (is that what I mean?) and in my opinion less effective.
For example, why is line 31 not "You love whom you want" which would fit in with the start of the poem? It just feels a little incongruous.
Interesting. Galt's speech goes from 30 something pages
to a nice little poem on the recent best list.
This did not come from you. This came something you have learned.
hoist moist egoist
Wow, quite the reception for this one.
fractalcore and joey, I'm glad you enjoyed this.
smugzy, thanks for your input; I'll certainly be reworking this again on your recommendations.
thirdeyeris and fractalcore, you're right in that this has objectivist influences in it, but this is something that has come from me and does depart from Rand's original ethics and metaphysics in a few important ways.
"This did not come from you. This came something you have learned."
Untrue, as this is, like I said, not an exclusively objectivist piece. Furthermore, what is the difference? Learning is an active cognitive process, the ideas resulting from which you must earn (as opposed to memorizing, which is the meaning you are implying).
I enjoyed it however I think the ending is a little overdone or too moral.
I think it could be shorter, it feels a bit rambly, and a lot of clunky words; i.e. line 18, "Instruments efficacious," and other places. I think it could be more active as well, as in lines 6-7 "mending earth with its own girders."
I will certainly think on your recommendations, technomancer. thanks for your input.