poetry critical

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I'll Have the Sex Please
sybarite

I'll have the sex please.
 1
Oh, and no strings with that.
 2
I'm on a diet.
 3
 
 
What was that?
 4
No thanks, no names either.
 5
I'm not really that hungry.
 6
It's just a craving-
 7
you look delicious.
 8

21 Aug 08

Rated 8.5 (8.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 9, 9, 10
Inactive (18): 1, 5, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(129 more poems by this author)

(9 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

I think you should add 'that new healthy heart" before diet.

This is hysterically funny.  
 — Isabelle5

this is a hoot! right on
 — humblebee

sure.
 — thirdeyris

I love this! clever, fun read.
 — SilverGirl

I dont like the idea of this, but this great.
 — Inspire

This is a work of art -- and funny as well.
 — unknown

fantastic - made me chuckle!
 — the_lost_one

haha. favorite!
 — trochee

i am still thinking about that first line... should it be there?
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....................
 — trochee

You should have your ow cooking show.
 — cowork

The title may serve as the first line so that you don't need to repeat it.
For the sake of sonics, consider swapping not and really:
I'm really not that hungry.
The last line is delicious.
 — unknown

go bigger. the glass woman thing kinda is along the same lines as this, scooping up reference, and incorporating it. but it went a little further. the idea is great! but it could go a little more. i think that's a good sign, when more is wanted. depends on whether or not one is inclined to deliver. maybe try What's that and move it up under the diet part. this would give the poem a little ambiguous twist. nice poem
 — chuckle_s

Thanks to all for the feedback--appreciated!
 — sybarite

love the idea of this no strings attached little poem, not deep, not meaningful, not boring, not drawn out, nothing, just a fun read or lay whichever way you want to look at it lol.
If I had wrote this though it would have been too rude to put on here, I get quite graphic and it ends up soundin like pure porn!
 — angrychick

this is not something that i can recall in the next couple of months, but this has really made me laugh!
oh!... and amm... which restaurant was this? i hope to drop by one of these days.
 — enkantada

yeah, yummy.
: )
 — fractalcore

I'll take the combo.
 — technomancer

thanks again to all who have taken the time to comment--feedback appreciated
 — sybarite

I really enjoy this.
So honest, sad, funny and qualitative, kind of.
 — thirdeyris

this is quite witty. I'm not sure if I want more or love that it is so simple. The honestly makes this great
 — Luxy

fun.  =)
 — candykid

oh wow this is great (:
 — ElixAdele

Thanks all for reading and commenting!
 — sybarite

SWEET poem.  I'd lose "and" at the beginning of line seven.  Fix the grammar by putting a dash at the end of line 7.  Great job on this! ~Forbster
 — aforbing

this is great! concise and funny as hell. go, you!
 — nickiblitz

aforbing--thanks for the suggestion, accepted and implemented.  Nice way to get rid of that pesky "and" starting L8.  Gratitude.

nickiblitz--thank you for your kind comment--and believe me--i do go!  Cheers and thanks for the read!
 — sybarite

You say you're not really that hungry, but if it is that delicious... you'll go for seconds!
 — jpmhawk

Yep.  I feel it.  Excellent!  :-)
 — starr

Thank you--gratitude.
 — sybarite

i like this apart from the last line. very funny.
 — raskolniikov

awesome. this is quite funny.

i like poems that have that sarcastic edge.
 — listen

i love it love it. :) favorited.
 — Sequiturist

Thanks! :)
 — sybarite

humor and poetry in 2 stanzas.
an engaging piece. I'm impressed. :)
 — suedehead

Mandee?

You are going to die soon - you need to put on some fucking weight

:-)
 — ElsieTime

^ what? i didn't write this silly. syb did.
 — mandolyn

^^ and why do you say that? i'm a good weight. don't ruin syb's poem!
 — mandolyn

Nope, you are not a good weight - last photo i saw of you you looked haggard and old.

I didn't know it was sybs - i didn't rate -- hence the question mark denoting a question. Syb knows better than to take it the wrong way.
 — ElsieTime

ha! haggard and old, i wish. u are a nice liar, Polly.
 — mandolyn

^ honestly i think she is just having a bad day. no biggie, but it's wrong to flood this poem with a cat fight. plus, cat fights are for the weak.

sorry, syb!
 — mandolyn

No i am not having a bad day, i have been at my mother-in-laws all day - have come home, played dominos with the kids.

Jealous of what? Bitch fight? Whose bitch fighting? By being concerned about you. Okay then --- I am the wicked witch of poetry critical if that's what you need.

Watch how you "speak" to me, lol.

I can assure you that I am in no way jealous of you. Nothing. Zilch.
 — ElsieTime

And yes syb, I'm sorry too - it was an honest mistake. i promise.

i wasn't being bitchy to you, I was speaking to mandee in the way she "needs" me to not the way i actually was.

how stupid
 — ElsieTime

Mmmmm haggard and old. Guess im into that
 — unknown

^ you can be into that, unknown -- who cares.

i didn't say she "was" it -- i said in the last photo i saw of her she looked it.

in my opinion she *does* need to put on some fucking weight - she looked unwell.

but....on the other hand i was a "liar"
"having a bad day" and "ruining" another's poem

let me make this clear, there is no reason for her to dislike me.

did the smiley face go un noticed?

persecution complex anyone?
 — ElsieTime

I need to say something to you Elsie, but first I want tell sybarite to keep this poem.

I'm a Facebook friend of Mandee and she is gorgeous, fit and fucking hilarious, so when you speak I'll of her like that it proves you're starting trouble like always. You're a fucking drama queen and I'm quite sick of your shit. You need to do one of two things, grow up or shut the fuck up. Hell, do both!
 — unknown

Not cool Mod^
 — yield

Unknown: _________
Care Factor: Nothing.

Because I am not a person who *thinks* I'm smart and writes horrible poems or things about others and then says that they are offended because the poem or thing is subjective and it must be true about them--

-- the sort of egoism involved in that blows my fucking mind. Makes me feel sick that such cowardice exists.

I wrote what I thought. I meant it. It wasn't subjective. I wasn't unknown, she knows who I am. I am concerned.

She has a right and an opportunity to say its not true

but to suggest that I am doing it to bully her is abusive on so, so, so many levels.

full stop. now stop abusing this website.
 — ElsieTime

The mods deleted my comment. I said if you had actually been "concerned" you would have sent her an e-mail. NOT make comments on a poem, even if you thought it was her poem. It just proves you want to make her look bad in front of others. You can't hide the bitch in you. She would have never said something like that to you. So stop trying to justify your actions. EVERYONE knows what kind of person you are. I seldom post here because of people like you.
 — unknown

No because when i tried to add her on facebook she would not accept my friend request.

She is fearful of me for no reason. NO REASON

And pray tell, who is this "everyone" you speak so highly of?

Your group of "Internet" friends? Unknown creeps like yourself?

Its not anyone in my life, baby.

"Everyone" in my life knows exactly who I am.
 — ElsieTime

"now stop abusing this website."
There is nothing abusive except what ElsieTime wrote and perhaps she should think it through before making comments that could only hurt Mandee. They were hardly an improvement on the silence. Not the first time either.
 — unknown

It is abusing her by "pretending" to stick up for her under unknown --

understand?

Now enough. I'm done.
 — ElsieTime

Unknown is used because you are so bitchy and nobody needs the grief from you. You keep defending but you are talking to more than one unknown. No one is being nasty to you and this was started by your unneccessary comment which as already stated is not the first time. You need to think before you speak.
 — unknown

I thought I said I was done?
 — ElsieTime

If you are done ssshhh.
 — unknown

I didn't know Facebook was the only way to contact someone these days. Her e-mail address is right here on this website! -Get the fuck out- You don't say!
 — unknown

^ get lost troll. what the hell does that mean?

i emailed mandee once a long time ago. nothing since.

now just frick off. it's not your business.
 — ElsieTime

apologies to the poet.

ET, PR, DL,

Do you begin to realize what a bully you are?
"She is fearful of me for no reason. NO REASON"

Do you realize how bloated and empty the above statement is?

Every online community has its pitbull. You are that unsightly creature.
 — unknown

Fantastic!
 — dannyprice

No, see to be a bully, I'd have to believe I was representing a more socially attractive or acceptable norm than yourself --

The fact is i just don't like you.

And that is because your an unknown, bigmouthed wanker, who doesn't understand boundaries and can't mind their own business.

deadset, i would stick a drinking straw into my urethra before i would allow myself to be intimidated by someone like you.

And I would stick a piece of 20 mm PVC pipe in there before I'd want to "be" you.

I'd be DL tho if I were talented enough. I'm not :-)
 — ElsieTime

20mm - I imagine that should fit. You are in denial about your PC social skills. Do yourself a favor and shut up. "Now enough I'm done!" Are you drunk?
- just saying
 — unknown

RegTime, what brings you here aside from your four sausage legs?
 — unknown

guys!
seriously, no more fighting.
i'm sure sybarite doesn't appreciate that this is going on here.
elsie apologized to me and hopefully understands how she came across.
 — mandolyn

No. No more fighting. Do I understand how I came across? To who? I was addressing the person who I thought wrote the poem-- which is why I sent an email saying I was sorry I hurt your feelings :-)

Which is why I said I wouldn't mention it unless you wanted me to.

But, unfortunately, you have succeeded in pissing me off again.

It's not you and a band of unknowns against me, mandee -- We both know that :-)
 — ElsieTime

Hurt your feelings by saying you needed to put on weight. To clarify. Sybs a wonderful writer -- that definitely shouldn't hurt your feelings and I'm sure it doesnt
 — ElsieTime

you have succeeded in pissing me off again.

that's hilarious you idiot - neurotic, strange, angry........

I have NEVER seen you say anything nice

you've got problems kid.

all these unknowns because you have a stalker mentality

why would they show themselves if its you
 — unknown

Having stalkers and having a stalker mentality is entirely different

They are cowards that's why.

-- Whatsmore, I don't have to write nice shit here -- and anyway, i do write nice shit at times, and have written nice shit but only if i've meant it.

That's the key point.

If someone says "hopefully understands how she came across" it is non conducive to a poetry site --

I don't want to be a clone of y'all -- I don't want y'all to be clones of each other --

It's offends me -- it offends my sensibilities of what poetry is --

I do not think mandee is a better writer than me, kid.

So when people start including "we" or the "general consensus" about why my opinions are wrong, i become disturbed.

For myself. For them.

Omission of truth is still lying ---

Yes, I did apologise. For hurting her feelings...but I didn't suddenly change my mind.

I just thought she might be overly sensitive and I should probably be more in tune to that in the future.
 — ElsieTime

I have known the girl on Facebook before, okay.

I have played with her (teasing somewhat) on this website because she used to make me laugh.

And if you've never "seen" me say anything nice --- it's because you
a. have never "seen" me
b. you have seen me and you have your own reasons not to "see" it.

perhaps one of you will need me someday and you should hope, for your sake, its not you.
 — unknown

By creating at least three user accounts, you are a clone of yourself. You are one of the few (bully) personalities who is even more sloppy when sober than when sauced. Keep back-pedalling. You may bang into yourself. Now get your "last" word in. You can't resist, can you? You simply cannot control your pitbulll nature. :^)
 — unknown

wow elsie, wow. first off, you e-mailing me was the RIGHT and mature thing to do. and since we settled it, there is no need to fight with the unks here. YOU KNOW THAT. yet you still have to act like a child. how you came across was like a bitch, that was what i told you in the e-mail. now you're making it worse. i can't believe you. you really do have issues, mentally. i'm being dead serious. nobody is sensitive here but you. the entire point this ENTIRE issue was how you said something you could have told me in private even if it was my poem. you still don't get it. i laughed at your comment but it was uncalled for and childish. we went over that. it amazes me how you are trying to look 'good' in front of others right now by spewing out crap. THIS IS WHY I NEVER ACCEPTED YOUR FRIEND REQUEST and why i ignore you half the time. you're a red flag. sorry to be so blunt, but you like blunt so, there you go.
now, SERIOUSLY... MOVE ON.
 — mandolyn

Mandee

- I am done replying to you - Shut Up. Do you understand that i don't think your being very smart at the moment? I'm sorry for you ----

I am not overly sensitive, sister. Nope.

Unknown,

1st of all Why don't you go have a suck of the crack pipe and then write a poem about how sexy you are

are you in my home? Do you know if i drink or not? Nope, you don't.

Whatchit Moron. You are both acying like driibbling fools .  Over nothing.

Because Mandee looked sick and anorexic in a photo.
 — ElsieTime

*acting
 — ElsieTime

And Mandee - If it's your birthday, happy birthday :-)

Sincerely :-)
 — ElsieTime

I told her in the email, that at least she knows that if I've got something to say to her I will -- and that's something she "should" trust. And can trust.

What's more, whether I've changed user accounts or not -- in the whole time I've ever posted here I have NEVER posted more than two poems in the seven hour period.

:-)
 — ElsieTime

*day
 — ElsieTime

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