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railway station buffet

railway station buffet
they carry hat and suitcase
handbag and dog
handbag on shoulder
dog in arm
seat themselves at a table
order water and beer
hang their coats on a hook
both long, hers fur
remain silent until
she orders him to straighten the suitcase
and she starts to smoke
the dog sits on the third chair at the table
and she feeds it nuts from the glass bowl
aha. they prepare to eat
knife and fork are brought
the dog hardly moves
they eat bread and a fried egg

31 Aug 08

Rated 9 (8.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 9
Inactive (1): 7

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There is a plate of sausages,
someone forgot to eat.
An old man walks by,
clutching a platform ticket
and a bottle of Algerian wine.
The old man thinks
"I'll eat those sausages."
The dog reads his thoughts,
reports him to the Station Master
who makes a citizens arrest.
You are drinking bad wine"
he tells the old man.
"Its my only comfort"
he replies. Two people
are having sexual intercourse
with a third in the railway carraige
toilet on the train
now standing at platform four.
"Fuck me!" exclaims the old man.
They decline. The dog runs off
with the sausages. Night falls
among the lonely whistling sounds
of the railway station.

Larry old buffer Lark
 — larrylark

17 its
 — unknown

Nah, it's a ploughman's lunch or nothing.
 — unknown

nice poem, beerman.

allow some chipping?

first off - what's up with l17?
out of place of sorts, i thought.
consider cutting it in half at the end of the first 'to eat'?

great picture painted. l9 is really good. i really liked it.
consider leaving out 'their' from the previous line. it's apparent that you're talking about them?

i'm most concerned about s1.
could be formatted a little better, with more edge perhaps?
how's about -

he hatted and with suitcase, she
armed with a dog and handbag

also, do you need the repetition of the title in the first line?
 — varun

also, the 'she' in l12 can go, no?
 — unknown

Is this poem about the fact that you should not feed a dog nut's, (especially those Macadamia nuts), were the nuts salted?, is the aha an exhale of breath or an inhale of anger?
Its good that your poems are getting longer but you need to condense this one.
 — sir_I_clan

thanks all.
Varun - l17 is a typing error, i agree it's out of place here, but i like the silliness of purposeless repetition.
will redo the rest as per your suggestions, your critique is accurate and welcome as always.
Sir-I-Clan - thank you. it were peanuts, it were. dryroasted and salted. aha is an aha of anticipation as in aha, here comes our dindins.
Larrylark - you are the best.
 — stout

nice poem
 — chuckle_s

line 3 something about it
either it needs another syllable or maybe needs one less
theres a real nice rhythm to the whole thing except for that
 — chuckle_s

 — unknown

I really like the part where the dog has an affair not only on his 'bitch' wife but also on his mistress. And now is the moment when JImmy Carter gets carted off the plantation station.
 — unknown

aha. That's my favourite bit- why is line 17 so long?
 — opal

nice one.
 — psychofemale

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 — unknown

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 — unknown

camus wears cartier
 — unknown