| lemons
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unknown
| my boots | 1 |
scuff the open road | 2 |
while you sit | 3 |
in your big old car | 4 |
rusting sockets with | 5 |
bitters- | 6 |
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i clear my breath | 7 |
when the dust blows | 8 |
when the blur of | 9 |
gin and sun | 10 |
leave me | 11 |
lone | 12 |
and i drift | 13 |
from your sight-- | 14 |
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the songs you left me | 15 |
roll | 16 |
through the bareness | 17 |
of my legs, | 18 |
still coaxing, | 19 |
with only her voice | 20 |
and a lemon in my pocket | 21 |
to squeeze | 22 |
when i thirst for you; | 23 |
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so sour, | 24 |
like the morning we kissed | 25 |
and you let me walk away. | 26 |
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23 Sep 08 |
Rated 9 (9) by 10 users.
Active (10): 7, 7, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0): 6
(define the words in this poem)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
bad title good poem
— unknown
how do you like me now?
— unknown
nope needs more smutt
— unknown
hmmm.
— unknown
not too bad a poem, crap title
— Mongrol
so sour
like a dill pickle
delicately placed on a briny morn
so sweet
like the afternoon
you let me waddle
in my misery
— chuckle_s
it was a stormy night with pickles
as the brine ran down my leg
and i waddled so sourly through the hotel lobby
pain shooting to my feet-
chuckles echoed through the hallways until morn
as i pushed misery into the jar.
(this was my dream,freaky huh)
— unknown
mong, no kidding. it was just for fun since i had no title. thx for reading.
— unknown
Excellent and sad piece. I LOVE L's 8-15 and specifically "the blur of gin and sun." :-)
— starr
p.s. L17's "bareness of my legs" seems a little misplaced where I can't imagine something rolling "through" such a bareness. Maybe "over?" The preposition seems off, but not really THAT off. :-)
— starr
mong, no kidding. it was just for fun since i had no title. thx for reading.
— unknown
it's a good change i think.. if only to complete the piece ;)
8 to 15 just take me there..
— Mongrol
greetings.
high quality poem. last 3 lines...maybe the best part if you think of it as a movie scene, maybe not when i think about your legs splitting into sunlight and being spoofed on by some silly shadow.
— DeformedLion
Starr, thanks so much! =-)
mong, thank you for playing.
greetings linus,
thank you for the strange comment. it was an interesting visual.
— jenakajoffer
Take the advice and change the title. There was a girl from Austrailia with the name Telula likes to Hula (as her first name). The name, although playful, might limit her options for professional jobs such as a lawyer or a politician. It's all in the name. The title has to be as awesome as the poem. 6/10 (because the title is stinky).
— Poe
jeez, you should have seen the title before!
it has been:
-Flavor of the month
-even penguins have big cock
-what i get for pushing cherries in my ass
-aroah
someone's gotta have a better suggestion. i have nothing.
really.
thanks henri!
— jenakajoffer
the third one is interesting, do tell...?
— DeformedLion
"lemon in my pocket"
— unknown
linus, i guess she tried everything to make it work, but might have gone too far.
unknown, im not sure what you're driving at.
— jenakajoffer
i am really enjoying the read of this after the changes jena
— Mongrol
hey, thanks mongie.
=-)
— jenakajoffer
oohhhhhh, lemon in my pocket! a title suggestion!
jeez sometimes i'm so blonde.
thanks.
=-D
— jenakajoffer
nice tittle!
— chuckle_s
wright on
— unknown
sour
— unknown
got so little time and only a few lemons
to hold this time of the year but it's really
nice to have a taste of this type of lemons.
not even a moment for sour-graping
under a fir tree but would 10-fave grapes,
er lemons, do?
; )
— fractalcore
You are welcome. "Lemons" is just as well. Sorry, sometimes I forget I'm not logged in and start commenting. I still do like "lemons in my pocket" though :)
— SarahMichele
or lemon in my pocket, whatever. I need some sobriety in my pocket.
— SarahMichele
Love this... The images seem so real :-)
— dele
thanks chuckles
unkn's
fract
sarahmichele
and dele.
SM, your suggestion prompted me to lemons. i do like what you said, but felt it gave too much away. lemons fits perfectly, and i thank you!
— jenakajoffer
nice poem
— stout
Very nice, try my poem "Lemondate" some time.... Similar "taste" and feel.
— aforbing
somewhat elusive and gravity filled, I like 15-23, the contradictions of personality makes this work
— gjenkins
Still loving this magnificent poem, Jen. Love, Shitdawg xxoo
— starr
A lot better than the last couple things I read, especially L5-6 and L10-11.
The disjointed, start-stop rhythm -- which of course you did on purpose -- grated my nerves. And it IS a crap title.
— aurelius
But you're still lovely.
— aurelius
thx stout, forbster, gj, and Starr. =-)
ha, aurelius...this IS the new title after several changes. i can't believe i'm still getting flack for it, lol. well anyway, i love this title now. you know, how things are called lemons when they are crappy, and just suck? like cars, and...like boys?
thanks for being honest, i luv it.
=-)
— jenakajoffer
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