| Fleeing Antietam
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Isabelle5
| Battered musket forgotten, feet barely shod | 1 |
in strips of dirty cloth, | 2 |
he runs and runs, | 3 |
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away from the hot sun beating down | 4 |
on meadows sullied, stained, | 5 |
away from the pleas of the dying | 6 |
and the silence of the dead. | 7 |
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In stubbled fields wrapped around | 8 |
dusty clapboard houses, | 9 |
sweat-stained farmers cry out, | 10 |
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“Tell me, boy, what have you seen?” | 11 |
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He does not stop to answer - | 12 |
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imagining he is in his bed, | 13 |
his faithful dog snoring at his side, | 14 |
though his lips unconsciously gasp | 15 |
a frantic cadence - oh god oh god oh god. | 16 |
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A startled woman spreading seed | 17 |
for hungry chickens, calls, | 18 |
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“Son, why do you run?” | 19 |
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He does not pause but shouts | 20 |
over his bleeding shoulder, | 21 |
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“Oh, Mother, because I cannot fly.” | 22 |
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From America's Civil War documents |
23 Sep 08 |
Rated 8.3 (8.3) by 13 users.
Active (13): 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0): 1, 1, 10
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(240 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
good
— unknown
Well told. I would put the dialog in line 23 on its own line, just because you did so for the other spoken lines in 28 and 15. Other than that, this is great.
— SteelAngel
good suggestion, Steelangel. I'll do that. This phrase has haunted me since I first hear it in a documentary several years ago. The utter terror of a man still mostly boy, running from a blood bath.
— Isabelle5
same story, different country. war is hell.
— raskolniikov
Yes, Rask, exactly. When McCain talks now about, 'Winning the war," I want to scream myself, ask him what does that mean, especially to everyone who has already died. America cannot be the victors in a country where there are sects and a very entrenched civil war.
— Isabelle5
-isabelle5-
divide and conquer. but not in a foreign land, but amoungst your own. and yes you are right, you cannot be victors in that country.
— raskolniikov
Okay, you've got something that's pretty strong right here. Bloody Lane is referring to Antietam, right? Bloodiest day in American history. Your music is off in places, but for the most part it's strong. I love so much of this poem, but I'm going to get to that in a minute. Your lines need some trimming. If I may:
Gun bloodied, feet barely shod
in strips of dirty cloth,
he runs from the hot sun,
the sullied meadows stained
with the groans of the dying,
the patience of the dead.
"runs and runs" really weakens the strength of what comes before it.
What about replacing "smothering" with "smoldering"? I know it changes the idea a little, but I like the image and the way it helps the music of the line.
What troubles me about the next section is the phrase "as dust is raised"
because the passive voice is making me crazy. Wouldn't it be stronger to say
"as dust lifts/rises on the unpaved roads?" Not sure which verb works best, but you need to put more emphasis on your verbs. Your other stuff is strong, but verbs verbs verbs.
also, the last line should be "Because I cannot fly"
I know that historically he might've actually said "Oh, Madam," but fuck that. We're writing in the 21st century.
I know I've gone on a bit about a few things that bothered me, but this poem has strength in its ability to really earn that ending. Which is pretty great.
The title needs to change, and I think you should italicize the quotes--but that's more of a personal issue.
— TaylorC
This is one of yours, Isabelle? Nice work.
— TaylorC
Taylor, thank you. I am going to give much thought to your suggestions as you know History. Yes, Antietam's Bloody Lane. I added, Oh, Madam," the boy only cried "Because I cannot fly."
I'll be back to revise, thank you.
— Isabelle5
Okay, Taylor, if you could have at it again, please.
— Isabelle5
take out "eternal" before patience. we understand that their patience is eternal, and by telling us that it is, not only does it destroy the mystery surrounding it, but it makes the line too precious to impact us the way we need it to.
"docile animals" is a little vague..."hounds" or "horses" even...
"Not stopping to answer,
he's a fourteen year-old soldier,
the devil on his heels"
Even saying "devil" seems kind of generic...but that might just be my thirst for specific detail (is it a cavalry unit he's running from? infantry? perhaps artillery shells?) I dunno...
"his mind awash with insane dreams" Umm...okay, but isn't that what we expect?
Wouldn't it be more interesting if he was thinking about something entirely different from battle? It would be a more discursive move, but it would also suggest that it was the only thing that kept him running. (A poem you should look at is Stephen Dunn's "That Saturday Without a Car"...it's a poem about running). What exactly is he thinking about? Cottonfields? Appalachian mountains? (Of course, I'm assuming the boy is a confederate...no shoes, and the age).
I think you can cut the "in" out "he draws breath enough to holler" Holler is just an idea, but it's unique and very colloquial.
and I hate the exclamation mark, but that's me and my own issue...but you've done a nice job here, Isabelle.
— TaylorC
oh, and musket...not gun...more interesting ;-)
— TaylorC
complete, well structured, rhythmic poetry... this is good story telling.
— Mongrol
I am SO appreciative of all the help and suggestions. Much revised, cut, slashed, stronger for your help. I think it's finally finished. I am content with the changes in the poem and the title.
— Isabelle5
this was a good read.
although i found lines 3,4,5 a little long and strained.
beautiful delivery throughout, envisioned and relatable even to someone not familiar with american civil war.
i love lines 19 on. the quotations are strong.
— jenakajoffer
Lines 13 and 14 are rather shit.
— DeformedLion
Deformed, saying they are shit is not at all helpful, you know? Can you tell me what shit means to you?
— Isabelle5
The ambience is certainly here. Intense writing. :-O
— unknown
just the last line alone is striking and realEYEsed -- many of the children sent to fight the present Economic wars scream and cry of the plight of flightless Angels in their hearts -- weeping while they run holding tight their warm gun
— AlchemiA
oh really fat
— unknown
always loved your work, Isabelle.
— 1994
Well done, Isabelle, well done! Especially with the revisions!
— PaulS
isabelle is the sarah palin of poetry critical.
palinstan
— unknown
this is altogether wonderful. taylorc gave you all the best nitpicks, and deformedlion is (almost) right, i like those lines anyway.
— onklcrispy
:-) I like your revision
except for the word "weeps." Again, too precious. Even "says" would be better.
— TaylorC
Isabelle,
I was thinking about this poem earlier. How about if the boy thinks about picking fleas off of his dog? That way the image doesn't seem so pre-packaged and it's also suggestive...of his literal situation.
Just an idea.
— TaylorC
Okay, changed weeps to shouts. I cannot imagine him only thinking about picking fleas off his dog. I can imagine him hoping he's having a bad dream, with his childhood pet by his side. Taylor, I might have to put you and my oldest daughter as co-authors on this!
— Isabelle5
Hahaha, nah. Your poem. And an amazing one at that.
— TaylorC
That is halarious, I can't believe someone else compared you to Palin. small word.
— unknown
Believe it. It's Poetry Critical...where the hatin' never stops.
— unknown
"battered musket"
change the grease she no be tastin too good laddy
— chuckle_s
yes good
— unknown
this is really no different from some child writing a 'poem' about a pop-song -- an 'appreciation' and cannot be taken seriously. it reads as though it were only here to make the author sound 'intellectual'. it doesn't, but that's because there's nothing serious in this except the intention to sound serious. that's deadly and silly at the same time.
the 'battered musket forgotten' starts the poem off with an elevated and high toned voice -- 'feet barely shod, in strips of dirty cloth...' is jingle-line, and if this author had actually read outloud to himself what the poem sounds like this wouldn't be worded so -- i suppose the author to not be 14 and grown-up pleasing, and at least be 20. the wording in this wouldn't work as natural writing in a children's story on this 'interesting historical fact -- not for the 14 year old the 20 year old is pretending to be, and the whole thing could be laid out as a paragraph so that the form of what is being said could be found. the natural form in this, 'anecdote with comments' could be used to tame all the 'interesting parts' in this red badge of number 10 high score. in a very odd but significant way, and there's so much competition, i think this is the worst verse i've read in p.c., and i think it's the worst because it represents the lowest kind of contribution to the site, because it's the most pandering to the reader. i don't know why kids want so much to get high scores here when they don't really think writing poetry is any fun. this kid should stick to nintendo.
— unknown
Whoever you are, Unknown, I have a distinct feeling that your comments are too much about the poet and nothing really about the poem. I have confidence in this poem, it's been revised and worked on, it is now as good as I can make it.
Thank you for your very unhelpful, though lengthy, comments, but you have a very strong odor of Joey throughout. Perhaps he has invaded your mind, you poor thing.
— Isabelle5
didn't know this was you. i won't write a serious reply because i have to consider you'll just delete it.
— unknown
I never ask moderation for an honest comment, provided it's about the poem, not obscenities about the poet.
— Isabelle5
i've not seen that to be the case. you want too desperately to win.
— unknown
plus, you wrote the most filthy thing about 'plutonium' and refused to take down your own obscenity. you simply want to win... even if it's points in a poetry rating game rated by fifth-rate judges.
this is just not a good poem. it's baby talk filling inside 'found-object' -- you haven't used the material in a mature manner.
— unknown
I'm tempted to ask "then what?" but I get the sound of the point even if I don't get the point itself.
— Rhiannon1984
"then, what is good...?" or, "then what is next?" ?
the "tone" is just the doorbell -- the real poet answers the knock and the dialog turns into talk about how to write a poem and even what a poem actually is.
— unknown
no, Roger Rabbit answers a knock.
— unknown
roger was an entertainment for children and tokers. this is the place where we invent rogers, not go giggle when we see that name.
— unknown
i was waiting for something to switch me out, lol
it was like limbo: watching poems beneath mine get picked off and sent elsewhere while there was hardly any critical activity on mine.
;)
— 1994
To win?? What, pray tell, do we win here?
— Isabelle5
Yes, Unknowns, while you're mocking me, this poem hit #1 right now. I'll be waiting to see how many 1's you can give it quickly to knock it down.
— Isabelle5
we're talking about the criteria for making an honest critique. how a poet can or can't respond to the knock at the door that a critique is -- whether the writer is just going to scurry away with some 'ha-ha, i can't heear you!' or whether they really are curious about what's being said, and really have the gut-talent to go in and take the critic down 'at his own level'. otherwise, this is just myspace.dribbling.com
it's always about Your Poem if you're really looking for a dialog.
— unknown
so, has your phone stopped ringing yet? does it matter anywhere at all? it doesn't even matter to you or you'd be trying to turn this into a poem.
— unknown
No, YOU are talking about what makes an honest crit, as you have on countless threads.
— Isabelle5
a startled woman spreading seed for hungry chickens, get a ten from them for 'best seed we eet in 4 daays!!'
congratulations. i hope your book signing party is a success and that you serve fried chicken wings for snacks.
— unknown
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