| the broken wheel
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1994
| you were a child | 1 |
a rosebush blooming | 2 |
under dust of snow | 3 |
and life was just a whisper | 4 |
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in the summer | 5 |
oranges bled sweet juice | 6 |
down your chin | 7 |
and their stickiness | 8 |
you suckled from your lips | 9 |
washed it down with giggles | 10 |
| |
lying in the grass | 11 |
the pink sunset seeps inside you | 12 |
and your lashes fall against your cheeks | 13 |
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as you sleep | 14 |
living oceans to the east | 15 |
are chanting hymns of sacred secrets | 16 |
to ease the silence of the night | 17 |
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behind your eyes | 18 |
you're indigo | 19 |
the colors you remember | 20 |
twist and fly | 21 |
fireworks escaping into the stars | 22 |
burying themselves in the dark. | 23 |
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25 Sep 08 |
Rated 8.8 (8.8) by 16 users.
Active (16): 4, 6, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0): 1, 8, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(29 more poems by this author)
(6 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
i'm enjoying this.. it follows a well designed form, and lifts images out of the words nicely... and holds the poignancy just right... though the end came a little obviously, and i'm no fan of similes ;) - twist and fly like fireworks - the child described in lines 1 to 12 is well done..
good read..
— Mongrol
but here behind your eyes you're indigo...
beautiful..
— Mongrol
well...seems the epitome of poetic something-or-rather, i am compelled to be all impressed and shit. i don't trust that.
trust no. 1
— DeformedLion
indigo child rapt inside out with synaesthetic senses without a doubt -- nice paintings in each strophe capturing the child at see and play, oh, do remember that the stars burn on in your head in every way -- a flower of synaptic fires burn on and on until you transpire and to stars you are gone -- nice piece
— AlchemiA
Mongrol, I have a solution to your simile. lol
i didn't even notice the simile, and i share your dislike of them, so i MUST change it now that you've brought it to my attention...
— 1994
changed the ending a little.
— 1994
fix it
— unknown
unknowns
like bees
have no purpose.
— 1994
actually
bees have more purpose.
— 1994
this is truly beautiful
— FrayedSkirt
thank you deeply
— 1994
This is a good poem, a beautiful, well wrought poem. This is the kind of poetry we should applaud, and never dis. nor make small about. It's charming and more.
It really does deserve a ten, and so a ten it gets.
— netskyIam
and i thank you again
— 1994
YOU ARE AMAZING!!
— unknown
you're a duck. lol
— 1994
STUPID
— unknown
what's stupid?
tell me.
curiosity is a menace.
— 1994
I am not saying it is bad poem; however the meaning of the title seems to escape me.
Mor.
— unknown
chakras, lol.
— 1994
i thoroughly enjoyed this
beautiful imagery
— shards
thank you :)
— 1994
This is a marvelous piece of work--so rhythmic. The sound of this poem accentuates the images perfectly. Thanks for sharing this.
— PaulS
first time i've had to say "you're welcome" on this site
i think that's an honor.
you're welcome.
— 1994
chakras, lol.
Ah Silly me, I was reading this in the aerobics’ class; I knew that I should have been in the Yogi Bear class, playing with my seven spoke wheel.
Mor.
— unknown
shut up mor you nonce
— unknown
I don't think this is stunning, at least not so much as a few other poems, which lends confusion to it's top-rated position...
But it is indeed quite a good poem. I guess that's all it needs.
— mindbodysoul
Well, nonce as maybe, however, the title says the wheel is broken!
This appears to make a real yogi bear out of the implied circle of the charkas.
I attend many auctions as a dealer, quite often Charkas are offered for sale, the seventeenth, and eighteenth century ones seem to create a lot of interest; I have a nice late sixteenth century one inlaid with silver.
Along time ago, I imported two Rhodesian Ridgebacks from Africa, one of those the male was named Charka, who I was assured, was once a famous Zulu chief, being a real nonce of course, I did not know all the names of the Zulu chiefs, so Charka it was.
He was a fine dog went on to sire several champions.
So obviously all those people who gave this poem ten are only too aware of the significance of the title, this poetry business is a terrible learning curve for nonces like me.
My grandmother right up to the age of eighty still used her spinning jenny, I wonder how many of today’s clever young non nonce poets would know how to use one.
Now if one had only said chocolate biscuits in reply, I would have got it straight away.
It’s all clever stuff this poetry reading.
Mor.
— unknown
i'm not even sure what to make of that.
— 1994
it's not about physical wheels, if i'm reading your comment correctly, mor.
the seven major points in the body where energy fields converge
in this
ajna is broken (the third eye)
which in turn renders incomprehensible sahasrara (the crown chakra)
and although the character has grown up with healthy energy in them
(the resonance periods for the first five chakras occurring from birth to middle age)
this one broken wheel has turned their mind sour and dark
and throughout their life
happiness was superficial
and inside
they were withered and cold.
that's
the significance
of the title.
— 1994
I wish I had known about Chakras when I was a kick boxing instructor, it might have saved me from a lot bruising.
All that energy coming out of little holes in the skin, we used to call it sweat in those days.
However, now that you have explained the significance of the broken wheel, the poem has taken a tumble for the worse I am afraid, one could now look highly critical at the content in relation to the title.
I had better go and check my energy levels. My spirit supply is getting low, I had better get another bottle of whisky; single malt is best.
Mor.
— unknown
yeah.
that's why i hate explaining.
but ultimately
it doesn't matter
in the end
it's just words on a page.
— 1994
But, don’t you agree if the title is right, the words on the page invariably sound that much better.
I hate leaving comments, it always seems to upset someone; luckily I never rate any one’s poetry. We all have our good points somewhere.
Best of luck.
Mor.
— unknown
greetingz
the poem is okay although im not sure that the shorter lines are helping me to feel it perhaps it would serve to go with longer lines dont be scared it might be worth a try
considering the lack of punctuation throughout i was caught offguard by the commas at 15 and 16 but after some measure of calm contemplation i decided that i would offer a revision suggestion that perhaps you would consider dropping the one in 16 and change the one in 15 to a semicolon
on its green leaves and pink blossoms;
that gizmo kinda looks like a berry or somethin with a leaf dangling under it and also it would be positioned sort of in the middlemost poem with 14 lines preceding and following
cool!
— chuckle_s
that's a very good idea.
very good.
i take it :)
— 1994
the semicolon, i mean.
although yes the longer lines would make it flow more to the reader
the short lines are not only a trait of mine
but a method.
— 1994
i am full of
— chuckle_s
oh, and mor,
i'm not upset lol
and to me
the title is right
::shrugs::
i guess writing it with the meaning in mind
nothing else will look right to me
and i'd feel like i betrayed the secret
almost as badly as i already have.
of course,
having explained the poem
i feel more confident
that people will be able to critique it in more depth
since all i've gotten have been surface scratchers
and i appreciate those scratches, yes i do!
but it feels weird to have a poem
that no one
is ripping to shreds, critically.
— 1994
full of good ideas?
or chuckles?
lol
— 1994
idea! -- chak full o' nutz, rah! rah!
— chuckle_s
Now, now those surface scratchers gave you a lot of tens; they must have had a reason.
As the significance of the title was not immediately apparent in the poem, what then was the reason for the high rating?
I was the only one who mentioned the seven spoke wheel, no one else did, I wonder why.
The new age yogi bears seem to think that the aforementioned wheel has more spokes than a bicycle.
Mor.
— unknown
lol
uhm
i said i appreciated the scratches?
a lot.
minor, yes
but things i really didn't want to be caught doing lol
i'm not sure anyone who first commented this found the hidden meaning
not a hit on them
it wasn't clear, i know
but a lot of my titles reveal something that the poem itself doesn't clearly state.
— 1994
Sounds exactly what you might tell your sleeping child. Nothing to add.
— Isabelle5
Going back to your poem and ignoring the title.
I share a common interest with a very fine Australian poetry writer.
one being namely of roses. I could not help but let my mind drift with regards your second and third lines.
For some strange reason I walked past the obvious hellebore rose, and espied a beautiful mid winter rose “The Benjamin Britten”
It took my mind back to the time when I sang with an amateur operatic society.
I was saddled with the role of Oberon in Britten’s opera Midsummer’s Nights Dream.
I had to sing stuff like this; it was hard work
Fare thee well, nymph:
ere he do leave this grove,
thou shalt fly him
and he shall seek thy love.
(Puck flies in.)
Welcome, wanderer!
Hast thou the flower there?
(Puck gives Oberon the flower and
lies at his feet.)
I know a bank where the wild
thyme blows, where oxlips
and the nodding violet grows,
quite over-canopied
with luscious woodbine,
with sweet musk-roses
and with eglantine:
there sleeps Tytania
sometime of the night,
lull'd in these flowers
with dances and delight;
and there the snake
throws her enamell'd skin,
weed wide enough to wrap
a fairy in:
and with the juice
of this I'll streak her eyes,
and make her full
of hateful fantasies.
Take thou some of it,
and seek through this grove:
a sweet Athenian lady is in love
with a disdainful youth:
anoint his eyes;
but do it when
the next thing he espies
may be the lady:
thou shalt know the man
by the Athenian garments
he hath on.
Strange, where the mind wanders when reading poetry.
Mor.
— unknown
in january
i was titania.
ironic.
i love that play
but my version wasn't an opera
we were punk rock fairies with combat boots and vampire gowns
rather entertaining.
but i did sing
"sweet dreams"
by the eurhythmics.
— 1994
of course, my partner, my Oberon
could hardly stumble over the words
so i applaud you for singing them
— 1994
First stanza: what time of year to rosebushes bloom....does it snow that time of year?
second stanza: why would someone wash down oranges with lemonades? poetically speaking, that is too many fruits in one line. not necessary
third stanza: again, you overdo it. Too many colors mentioned, it muddles the mind of the reader....and what exactly does it mean to have a sisterhood with earth at your fingertips?
4th: chanting hymns (l20) and singing (l21) is redundant. And how is there silence of the night if there is so much singing going on?
5th: how can something be indigo AND all the colors twist and fly...why point out the indigo if there are all the other colors? And how did these fireworks get out of the eye and into the stars? Maybe i'm being too literal, but it disrupts the coherency.
Overall there are interesting images in this, but there is waaay to much going on to give the reader anything to grab. Think about it, there is a rosebush in snow, then suddenly a kid is eating oranges and drinking lemonade but wait! there are leaves and sunlight, a sisterhood with earth, oceans, siging, chanting, but also silence, then there are eyes, colors, fireworks, stars, darkness.
I can see the vague evolution of a life here, but are you honeslty going to try and cram the history of life in 29 lines? You are trying to do too much and it is drowning. Take something simple, take one of these images that you like and build on that.
Take one thing and slowly pull the world out of it, dont try and put the world in it...it will break apart and just be a mess to deal with.
— unknown
milk it?
— unknown
first stanza: would an infant know about the seasons of roses?
second stanza: summer, i've very often had lemonade and oranges. but of course, that's the south in me. it happens.
third stanza: the poem is about colors. the sisterhood means that the person admires the tree and realizes that nature is beautiful, and so accessible.
fourth stanza: fixed the redundancy, thanks. have you ever heard of dreams? on the outside there is silence, on the inside there is not. and before you sleep you are awake in the quiet, so the dreams come and liven it up.
fifth stanza: they are indigo in their mind. and like the ocean, which is blue because water reflects it the most, all the other colors disappear.
and yeah
you are being a little too literal.
but i sincerely appreciate the challenge.
and it's not the history of a life. the life is vague as compared to the spirit that lives it. shows that, in the end, it's not the life you live, but how you look at the life you loved.
— 1994
im sorry i did not mean to insult you, or stir such a defensive response from you. Im just trying to point out the conjambled nature of the poem. Weed it out some. The poem will read much better.
Remember, just because things exist in life doesn't mean they exist well in poems. You are writing to an audience. Write to them
— unknown
i understand the initial reaction to hard critiques is to be defensive, but I am telling you from experience that you have to sit with them for a while and think about the critiques when you don't feel hurt or upset. Then decide if you think they are worthwhile or not.
— unknown
i wasn't offended
it's late
i was a little ruffled
truly
i appreciated the challenge
and i merely challenged back
:)
i'm not sure though that i can rework this.
the metaphor is deeply rooted in my exact words.
it would take a lot of time
and thought
research
and sitting on my ass in front of this computer to change it and preserve the meaning
i apologize
but this poem lies not in its words.
— 1994
you do realize what you just said...
"this poem lies not in its words"
why did you write it with them then?
— unknown
also, its not a challenge.
It is a feedback, a critique.
You shouldn't have to 'challenge back' This isn't a battle. You should post a poem to listen to what people think about it. Just quietly sit back and listen.
— unknown
lol
because the meaning lies in its words
the poem lies in its meaning
i didn't complete the chain
plus
i fear
i cannot write in fingers
:(
lol
see? now i'm making stupid jokes.
;)
— 1994
i know it's not a challenge
sometimes i don't have the best choice of thoughts
which turn to not so good choices of words...
i simply critiqued your critique
because it's fun
honestly
it was light banter
but pixels can't convey voice patterns
and i wasn't doing such a good job at that.
but i also did it for the fact that this poem had a lot of thought put into it
and it wouldn't be easy to rearrange that thought
i might as well write a completely new poem
which i might
and name it
"unknown's broken wheel"
;) playfully
of course
— 1994
i like this a lot. it is really spellbinding, told in such a colorful way, so as to give it that poetic depth a lot of people seek.
i wasn't disappointed. and, i like this a lot. some of the lines are just plain enchanting. (of course meaning there isn't anything plain about them.)
— listen
lol
thank you very much.
very much indeed.
i'm glad you enjoyed it so much ;)
when i imagined the images in this
i always imagined them with shining rays of light emanating from somewhere behind them
enveloping them in brightness.
thank you.
— 1994
no problem.
you did a lot of things right with this.
— listen
it'd be nice to know
what i did right
so that maybe
i could do right
again.
— 1994
oh, y'know, not like those other poets who do fings wrong.
— unknown
you're a duck.
waddling through the poems
quacking
when we want to hear
a song.
— 1994
nice write. i have read this more than a few times.
please consider the following -
in s1 - do you really need l5? or can you end at whisper?
starting s2 there are some funny things that you can iron out i think.
for example:
in the summer
oranges would bleed their sweet juice
down your chin
and their stickiness
you'd suckle from your lips
wash it down with lemonade
and giggles
the language really doesn't match here - especially with the formulated bleeding of the orange, and then the very casual 'wash it down'.
it's like you made the effort for half the strophe?
in the summer
oranges bled sweet juice
down your chin
and you suckled the stickiness
from your lips
washed it down with lemonade
and giggles
^ in this, i've kept the 'wash it down'. but do you see what i'm getting at? make it a little sharper. i think keeping it in the past without the ambiguous 'would' helps to make the character stronger. no?
in s3 -
the beginning 'and' jars with the one in l12. i suggest starting l13 without 'and'.
13-18 - you used 'and' three times; i think that a bit much, and perhaps a little reformat could rid you of those, and make the strophe sharper still.
i think there is too much going on here; i read another comment which says you are trying to put the universe into this piece, and this strophe might be where the nails hits the hardest.
the hibiscus tree
with golden sunlight
on its green leaves and pink blossoms;
its peace you'd find
and sisterhood with the earth
was always at your fingertips
again:
you found peace
and the sisterhood of earth
in a hibiscus tree; green leaves
and pink blossoms lit golden.
(might even consider leaving out the 'golden' altogether)
19-22
why the sudden change and reference to something completely new, almost alien to the poem? is it just so you could juxtapose the next strophe with something?
winter/summer/tree/ocean/sky - kind of a big mix-and-match?
consider leaving these lines out completely. or perhaps try and relate them to either the previous strophe, or the one after. a 'but' (that one in l23) is no connection. don't you think?
final strophe-
consider this-
within the indigo behind your eyes
more colour twists and flies;
fireworks escaping into stars
burying themselves in the dark.
as the other unknown also pointed out - first, there is indigo, then there is more colour, and then fireworks. what a trip. just to calm things down, you might want to try that edit^. it also places the indigo as 'the base' colour, and then follows with 'the more' that's coming. break it with the semi so you link both ideas without compromising the images, and also keeping the lines, but still creating one thought.
make it more solid. solid.
hope this is of some help.
this made it to the top i noticed. but i'm sure a lot of work can be done with it to make it much better.
thanks.
v.
— unknown
ok!
this was the critique that i needed.
took some of your suggestions
but not all
wiped out the hibiscus tree
morphed it into something different.
— 1994
I like the amended version, more so than the first.
Mor.
— unknown
that's good to hear
— 1994
innocence is so beautiful. this reminds me of when i was young
— infinity
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
because poems have to rhyme ;)
thanks for your time
i think i'll keep mine
all to my
self.
— 1994
the power of cram compells me,
but i won't. there are ways i'd trim, but hey.
i like your use of colour and season, oranges, yes!
very nice imagery.
some spots were difficult due to the no-punc, mainly last stanza.
i'd rid L16 of 'living'.
and lastly, i'd be tempted to stick L20-21 at the end, yes!
a swift kick in the poetic BLEEP.
nice writing, orwell.
=-)
— jenakajoffer
...i didn't even notice your comment.
interesting idea with the line switch
i'll experiment with it on my paper here outside the computer for a while :)
— 1994
tighten some more, maybe make 2nd stanza something like:
in summer,
oranges bled juice
down your chin
as you suckled
their stickiness from your lips,
washed down with giggles.
id also get rid of L 14...you are already showing us that, you dont have to tell us that too
i think L17 'of sacred secrets' and l18 'in your dreams' are a bit too lofty, and trite. It sounds like you are trying to be poetic. The strongest parts of the poem are the solid imagery that you give, let those moments carry the weight. These types of lines are extra baggage.
also, why no punctuation? because it does make the reader stumble some....is there something you are trying to add with their ommission?
— joshcoops
does anyone listen to flogging molly??
if so
(i was re-reading this because i had an idea to expand on it)
have you heard the song
"the spoken wheel?"
i didn't even think of that until just now.
had to say something about it lol
— 1994
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