| sea tales
|
DeformedLion
| from the sea we flopped onto the shore, | 1 |
simple hearts caught | 2 |
between jade waters and | 3 |
coastal shrubbery. | 4 |
| |
we laughed then, at our own | 5 |
inadequacies; idly propped, | 6 |
tails rested amongst the rough shells | 7 |
and tangled webs of sea-weed. | 8 |
| |
slow awakening. the wind | 9 |
blowing across the sky-- see, | 10 |
feel, | 11 |
touch... | 12 |
so intimate, the dawn: | 13 |
clouds streaking out in colour, | 14 |
blooming vibrant, spilling | 15 |
light into our eyes... | 16 |
the sea, the sea. waves, | 17 |
dying with each return, | 18 |
lapping at our hands out- | 19 |
stretched to cup the salty | 20 |
waters | 21 |
| |
feel the slip, the glide-- | 22 |
lips over skin | 23 |
| |
it recedes; soaks | 24 |
back into the sea, | 25 |
fingers wriggle. | 26 |
press in wet sands | 27 |
and we, | 28 |
| |
with light and sound, | 29 |
join our hearts | 30 |
to one-- | 31 |
| |
the ocean calls | 32 |
and we swim | 33 |
with the sea. | 34 |
|
30 Sep 08 |
Rated 9.2 (9.2) by 7 users.
Active (7): 7, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0): 10
(define the words in this poem)
(91 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
beautiful
— Liliana
why, thank you very much.
— DeformedLion
i like the way you speak about the awareness of those involved in the event here
the way you present their minds enjoying the knowing that this momentus event is truely significant, and they know joy in it too...
lines 22 to 23 are very sensual..
nicely written and presented
— Mongrol
i do like the ocean poem, mermaids and kelp all tossed into some true love.
if you don't mind using some cliche'd bits, then ok.
i had to ignore much of your punctuation in order to sail away with this. it tends to have a claustrophobic feeling, considering your words are light and free, but forced down by your dots and things.
i really loved lines 24-28 because there was a definite rythmn here, the best part of the poem, with that bit of stylist rhyme--lovely line 28!
also, you know i'm going to bash lines 29 to 31 and tell you how i hate them, so i won't continue with that, but what i do want to say is:
1) "the ocean calls" whywhywhy??
2) i wondered if you would change l33 "swim", with "leave"--it would sound pretty cool.
nice poem linus,
=-)
— jenakajoffer
made some slight changes to the punctuition.
— DeformedLion
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
this echo's my sentiments in sinusoidally embraced except with your own visceral way of telling the tale, eh -- watched the whales this summer at the beach we kayaked to on the edge of the world -- oh the sea the wandering waves meeting at the beach licking my feet -- I'm complete
— AlchemiA
great
— unknown
|6, shouldn't that be a colon instead?
|7, "rested" sounds too static, try another word.
13, "intimate" is a little too abstract a word in a description poem like this (same with "simple hearts") I suggest something more concrete.
|24 needs a comma instead.
I don't really like the amount of sentence fragments here... it's unhinging somehow. Too much filling-in-the-blanks with one of the people. "lips over skin" is an example of an alternative to this, and I like it better.
use these changes if they appeal to you.
— Virgil
ah please don change a thing
i like this just like this.
— Liliana
having actually flopped up naked to the shore in a caribbean sea with woman, invented evolution in full view of seagulls and sunfish, i have to say that it was more fun than this. somehow this makes it seem like filing skins away into paper categories. way more possible is that you thought that writing a peem about this would inspire a poem out of it while you wrote it. how it turned into tee ess eliot singing 'abide with me' at a sunday picnic i do not know though. maybe reincarnation.
— geckodrome
|
|
|