| Seven spots on a map
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Salamander
| The robin, circling under cirrus clouds, dips and | 1 |
becomes out of the awareness as a car | 2 |
connects. | 3 |
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It is like a young human becoming aware | 4 |
of it’s existence and upon the happening proceeds to | 5 |
destroy the body and brain in hopes that the self will | 6 |
return. Those who have been humans long are | 7 |
either aware of the futility of this or apathetic to | 8 |
it. Those who have not, but think they have, see the world | 9 |
as more than a binary and speak of grays instead of | 10 |
fixed points. | 11 |
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The sleepy toad sits in the bottom of a sunken window | 12 |
between leaves of last year and this autumn. The garter | 13 |
twitches it’s tongue and feels nothing through | 14 |
the ground. | 15 |
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5 Oct 08 |
Rated 4 (4) by 3 users.
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(define the words in this poem)
(11 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
first stanza: i'm not sure you want "becomes out of the awareness."
maybe "dips and falls out of life as a car connects."
this needs a little more work than that, but i can't really suggest much, there are things in here i'm not quite sure of.
— 1994
Nothing ever falls out of life, however, all things at times leave the awareness of it.
— Salamander
ok
well then
the phrasing...idk. just feels like tripping over that bird now that's it's been hit.
by by falling out of life i meant dying lol.
— 1994
Did you trip over the words or the bird?
— Salamander
the words.
i try to avoid dead birds in the road.
lol
;)
— 1994
So would you say that the words enacted tripping?
— Salamander
no? lol
i say that the phrasing makes me feel like i'm tripping over something.
i mean
if you must keep it that way
at least the "the" should be removed, in my opinion.
but it's up to you, salamander. lol
— 1994
Ok.
But no, I shall not as the the is important to me.
— Salamander
or I could cut all the thes
but that would be squishy
— Salamander
you and this poem are squishy...
SQuiSH
— unknown
Robin, circling under cirrus clouds, dips and
becomes out of awareness as a car
connects.
It is like a young human becoming aware
of it’s existence and upon happening proceeds to
destroy body and brain in hopes that self will
return. Those who have been humans long are
either aware of futility of this or apathetic to
it. Those who have not, but think they have, see world
as more than a binary and speak of grays instead of
fixed points.
Sleepy toad sits in the bottom of a sunken window
between leaves of last year and this autumn. The garter
twitches it’s tongue and feels nothing through
ground.
Not as squishy as I had anticipated
— unknown
aww
that's mean.
— 1994
I guess you would have to take out all the "a"s too?
— unknown
you missed one!
— 1994
I prefer the connective tissue.
— unknown
this is sort of gothic-sci fi, right? l. ron hummbard and jose boringus combine to make 'poetry' of car exhaust? what happened to your writing style?
— unknown
I'm still creating it.
This is perhaps simmetriad of my search.
— Salamander
simmetriad?
— unknown
Oh, sorry, I meant to say symptom.
— Salamander
hola saladmaster
me thinks you are wrong bout the snake.
— Liliana
use this poem for the cage line
instead of the map
— unknown
lol no caged lions here
— Salamander
no no i say i say
the cage liner
— unknown
Line 2 is a disaster (to me).
The middle is a muddle of intelligia-manic philosophic aquarius, and i don't know why it's there.
I really like the 3rd stanza.
It's not just because I like toads and things.
— jenakajoffer
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