poetry critical : poem

Flappers

Flapping gums, all around	1
No research done, no knowledge found	2
Incessant sound waves plaque my ears	3
They bring me frustration almost tears	4
Yet hopeful I remain as our numbers grow	5
People waking to and fro.	6
They day will come when we’ll awake	7
Send shutters to those in power like quake	8
Our strength is stronger then any army	9
But fighting alone we will need more then blarney.	10
Our day will come as knowledge grows	11
We will challenge those in power and come to blows.	12
Violent need not though it has in the past	13
One things for sure our freedom may not last.	14
Under constant attack with eyes opened or closed	15
We must expand our knowledge to beat our foes.	16
Question words from all trust must be earned	17
If blind following is your thing then the tides will never be turned.	18

6 Oct 08

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Comments:

this is pretty chatty and the form can't keep it inside your cellphone. i really wish that you'd have got the point -- that no one is listening to you listen to them. form this out as though you were the one chatting and bleating like a sheep, and then invert it to watch yourself watching yourself. it's the only really sophisticated way to pull this off in english. the english language always sound chatty. that's why the english and americans hate poetry.
— unknown

Mature writing, you have struggled to preserve your identity and presence within the confines of the English language which is commendable.
— unknown

as a hip-hop writer writing old-timey poetry? cool.

i really think we need better readers here if we're going to become better writers.
— unknown

It just needs some space and some of the rhymes internalising a bit.

Buster Rhymes
— unknown

and a natural flow, and a talent for inventing phrases rather than borrowing them from the newspaper or t.v. -- then too, a better language to write a lyric poem in, if you haven't a talent in one certain language. Italian, for instance, is the most beautiful poetry language. writing one really good poem in italian would be worth more than writing all the shakespeare sonnets.
— unknown

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