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Vereor
Algetzz

This is my first poem I've written in a long time.  any suggestions for a change I am all ears for so just post your comment and I'll get right on it.  (the title is Latin for fear by the way)

Fear
 1
a gut wrenching emotion
 2
that tears apart
 3
someone from the inside out
 4
 
 
I forgo this emotion
 5
when i think of you in danger
 6
A light spring up within
 7
making me stronger than i am
 8
 
 
Anything is possible
 9
with proper motivation
 10
I'd fly to the stars
 11
if that's where you were
 12
 
 
To the depths
 13
of a bottomless sea
 14
Slashing, battling, fighting
 15
through scores of enemies
 16
 
 
Alas
 17
in the midst of the turmoil
 18
i stop, suddenly
 19
the world freezes
 20
 
 
it is then i realize
 21
my one true fear
 22
is the fear of losing you
 23

6 Oct 08

Rated 6.7 (8) by 3 users.
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Comments:

stephenie meyer?

it's a little tiny bit redundant in places - understandable, i read your italics ;)
i'm half asleep, don't want to give suggestions at the moment.  i'll come back to this in the morning.
 — 1994

my advice would simply be: avoid cliched phrases. This poem has a lot of them. Read through it and identify how many phrases are sayings that are overused a lot in life, dialogue, and literature. What defines poetry is not what you say, but how you say it. Find new, original ways to say things.

Cliches that I found are:
gut wrenching / tears apart / anything is possible / a bottomless sea (huge cliche) / then i realize / one true fear /

also did you mean losing you (last line) not loosing you?

You said this is the first poem you've written in a while, and I hope it wont be too long until your next. Keep writing.
 — joshcoops

i love this. you do have a few cliches but reading this takes me back to a boy i used to know myself. im jealous though, shes a lucky girl ;)
keep writing. i look forward to seeing your next piece.
~b.a.
 — brokenarrows

lovely.
 — feathers

To the depths
of a bottomless sea
Slashing, battling,
fighting
through the scores of enemies

Just a change I would make.
 — nugunz

That and remove "the" from line 16.
 — nugunz

i just read this again (its been a while) and it still blows my mind.
just thought id say so.
love always.
 — brokenarrows

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