the adjunctivist connection
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fractalcore
| overhead sun marks | 1 |
the day for you | 2 |
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shadows elsewhere show | 3 |
the spot of your return as you | 4 |
turn away from your own | 5 |
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nothing in your hands | 6 |
head light as the lightness felt by | 7 |
your erect manifestation | 8 |
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being | 9 |
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so close to the ground | 10 |
the fabric of thought stretched | 11 |
ever so thinly thinking you | 12 |
could do it | 13 |
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eying forcibly the blinding | 14 |
clarity of your crescendo | 15 |
on the underside | 16 |
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with the skies and the earth | 17 |
having only you to protect in | 18 |
between | 19 |
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their harsh realities reduced to | 20 |
a single circumstance called | 21 |
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existence | 22 |
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otherwise | 23 |
known | 24 |
to be | 25 |
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YOU | 26 |
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dumbed by the thought of it | 27 |
| 20 Oct 08 |
Rated 9.5 (6.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): Inactive (1): 1, 9, 10 (define the words in this poem)
(205 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
! — unknown
thanks for faving, AlchemiA. any thoughts? — fractalcore
: ) — fractalcore
Hey Fractaliscious -- I fave'd it as I meant to get back to the ideas unravelle'd in this piece -- I made a Sun dial with Egyption Icons I got from a Toy store -- it's presently half past the pyramids nearing Isis -- you've unravelled the urge we are as Nature's surge to manifestation oin L10 through 26 giving the mind set as the end note in L27 although 'dumbed' and 'awed' (odd) are synonymous here -- I'll comment some more shortly -- lunch is afoot — AlchemiA
bon appetit
: ) — fractalcore
thanks Fractalcore. i found a new favorite.
please know the perfection of this. — listen
you're very kind as asual, listen.
thank you for reading.
: ) — fractalcore
Line 9, "being,"
Line 12, "Thinking," 14, "blinding"
All inactive forms, I think if you could convert them to active verbs and possibly replace line 9 with some something stronger, this would be very good.
I'll save my rating for later, I think there are some word choice issues here as well, though on the whole I enjoyed the read. — technomancer
hi, listen.
your kindness is relentless.
it's nice to be back and you're
one of the PC people i've missed.
see you around.
: ) — fractalcore
hi, technomancer.
thanks so much for your time and suggestions.
|9 is meant to mean 2 things and i don't know
what to do with all the other -ing words as of the
moment as i've been away from here for so long.
specifics would be most welcome.
: ) — fractalcore
Cool poem. Though me thinks you've a typo* (eyeing) line 14. Otherwise, nice read. — JKWeb
p.s. Do you need 'their' in line 20? jus' wonderin' — JKWeb
thanks for the read, mr JKWebster sir.
i think 'their' refers to the skies' and the earth's
harsh realities and is used to denote/mark the
extremes of whatever harsh realities there are;
it's also a slight nod at heaven and hell.
the cool thing about eyeing and eying is that they
make safe room for pseudo-misspellings, hehe.
glad you enjoyed this piece.
; ) — fractalcore
AMAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZING — psychofemale
yes, psychofemale.
it's amazing how i'm not able to
read a comment before it gets deleted.
thanks for stopping
bye.
: ) — fractalcore
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