poetry critical : poem

the adjunctivist connection

overhead sun marks	1
the day for you	2

shadows elsewhere show	3
the spot of your return as you	4
turn away from your own	5

nothing in your hands	6
head light as the lightness felt by	7
your erect manifestation	8

being	9

so close to the ground	10
the fabric of thought stretched	11
ever so thinly thinking you	12
could do it	13

eying forcibly the blinding	14
clarity of your crescendo	15
on the underside	16

with the skies and the earth	17
having only you to protect in	18
between	19

their harsh realities reduced to	20
a single circumstance called	21

existence	22

otherwise	23
known	24
to be	25

YOU	26

dumbed by the thought of it	27

20 Oct 08

Rated 9.5 (6.7) by 2 users.

Active (2):
Inactive (1): 1, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(205 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

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Comments:

!
— unknown

thanks for faving, AlchemiA. any thoughts?
— fractalcore

: )
— fractalcore

Hey Fractaliscious -- I fave'd it as I meant to get back to the ideas unravelle'd in this piece -- I made a Sun dial with Egyption Icons I got from a Toy store -- it's presently half past the pyramids nearing Isis -- you've unravelled the urge we are as Nature's surge to manifestation oin L10 through 26 giving the mind set as the end note in L27 although 'dumbed' and 'awed' (odd) are synonymous here -- I'll comment some more shortly -- lunch is afoot
— AlchemiA

bon appetit
: )
— fractalcore

thanks Fractalcore. i found a new favorite.

please know the perfection of this.
— listen

you're very kind as asual, listen.
thank you for reading.
: )
— fractalcore

Line 9, "being,"
Line 12, "Thinking," 14, "blinding"

All inactive forms, I think if you could convert them to active verbs and possibly replace line 9 with some something stronger, this would be very good.

I'll save my rating for later, I think there are some word choice issues here as well, though on the whole I enjoyed the read.
— technomancer

hi, listen.

your kindness is relentless.
it's nice to be back and you're
one of the PC people i've missed.

see you around.
: )
— fractalcore

hi, technomancer.

thanks so much for your time and suggestions.
|9 is meant to mean 2 things and i don't know
what to do with all the other -ing words as of the
moment as i've been away from here for so long.

specifics would be most welcome.
: )
— fractalcore

Cool poem. Though me thinks you've a typo* (eyeing) line 14. Otherwise, nice read.
— JKWeb

p.s. Do you need 'their' in line 20? jus' wonderin'
— JKWeb

thanks for the read, mr JKWebster sir.

i think 'their' refers to the skies' and the earth's
harsh realities and is used to denote/mark the
extremes of whatever harsh realities there are;
it's also a slight nod at heaven and hell.

the cool thing about eyeing and eying is that they
make safe room for pseudo-misspellings, hehe.

glad you enjoyed this piece.
; )
— fractalcore

AMAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZING
— psychofemale

yes, psychofemale.
it's amazing how i'm not able to
read a comment before it gets deleted.

thanks for stopping

bye.
: )
— fractalcore

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