poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Bye, Mom
Isabelle5

I sang her a song while she worked quietly at dying
 1
in a room with too many flowers, too little light.
 2
In a borrowed chair, I rocked as I sang,
 3
tears flowing unchecked down my face.
 4
 
 
Her eyelids never flickered, never a stray bit of dream
 5
to liven the needles dancing steadily on a flat screen,
 6
not even the edges of her lips turning up slightly
 7
to show her appreciation, even if I’m off-key
 8
 
 
but she was never the kind of woman to sit and do nothing
 9
so it came as no surprise that she had to move,
 10
to own this moment, if only to speed
 11
her heart along its way to silence.
 12
 
 
A blip of sound, a long, slow sigh of breath
 13
and she was gone.
 14
 
 
I kept singing, near the window, where
 15
the curtain suddenly danced, where light
 16
now streamed in, while the doctor stood
 17
quiet as a stone, listening to a strong voice
 18
singing with me from the other side of the room
 19
 
 
and on down the long empty hall.
 20

6 Nov 08

Rated 9 (9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (2): 1, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(503 more poems by this author)

(5 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

im so sorry for your loss.
i love this poem though.
 — brokenarrows

It's a poem, not real yet.  Although I just learned at this very moment that she has been taken to ER with a fever and is very dehydrated.  Coincidence or her spirit reaching out to me from the other side of the country?  
 — Isabelle5

i think there are invisible strings in this universe
strings that connect us
if we feel them pulling
they will guide us.
 — unknown

Very poignant, Isabelle, and well written.
 — PaulS

very touching, i can practically see it playing out before my eyes.
 — nickiblitz

beautiful quiet emotion, especially lines 12 13. would it benefit from an insertion of 'now' in line 15 'light now streamed' to accentuate the change from the earlier darker room
 — kendell

Changes, several.  Thanks for the good suggestions.  
 — Isabelle5

something, something pathos. nevermind...i appreciate the sentiment, and even the restriant.

well built yet completely predictable. as i am sure it had to be.
 — DeformedLion

I really like this..I love the way you sang her to Heaven..very beautiful and so real..
 — brother_sun

0.758s