poetry critical

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dearest Persephone
vrai

september 2002

he told you that you had to leave her
 1
to be with He -
 2
just a taste of this fruit, a sip of this wine
 3
to be forever Free -
 4
 
 
he said: "i love you"
 5
and she: "i love you, too."
 6
i pales in comparison
 7
to you, you, You.
 8
 
 
he said: "i want you"
 9
and she: "no, stay with me.
 10
you're my sun my stars my universe"
 11
and you: "be Free."
 12
 
 
she told you that temptation's gift was
 13
Pleasure before pain -
 14
he told you there was little loss and
 15
Everything to gain -
 16
 
 
he said: "escape her"
 17
and she: "don't Trust his truth."
 18
and you compared your Prisons in the
 19
folly of your Youth.
 20
 
 
his mouth was soft and cherry-Red, while hers
 21
a sun-hardened sneer -
 22
the salt of his Skin, the cool of his breath
 23
while he stood near -
 24
 
 
he said: "be with me"
 25
and she: "resist his Charm!
 26
he'll only keep you locked away"
 27
but you were not alarmed.
 28
 
 
so you took of his pomegranate seeds, and  
 29
for an instant shuddered -
 30
he smiled and wrapped his arms around you:
 31
"Mine" was all he uttered -
 32
 
 
he said: "i want you"
 33
he said: "and i shall have you."
 34
and that first night you saw, despite,
 35
that you would have Him, too.
 36

9 Feb 04

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Comments:

line 2 should be him.
 — unknown

poetic license, unknown. the rhyme would be fucked otherwise. :)
 — vrai

maybe then, you should rethink the rhyme.

stop making excuses! did you not want comments or seomthing?

he/free isn't a great rhyme anyway.
 — unknown

i agree... it makes no sense and isnt worth making an idiot of yourself just to rhyme.. but if you must stick with such an anal rhyming scheme why not try "him" and "sin"
mightyjoe
 — unknown

because "him" & "sin" don't rhyme.
 — vrai

their rhyme is close enough, and you wouldn't notice in an ABAB scheme that they were different. And at least then you'd have proper grammar. "To be with He" sounds so forced, because it is. Don't pick words just because they rhyme, that's not the way to rhyme well.

And what's this with rejecting everything everyone says? So defensive and close minded you are. Mind you, one with a 'poetic license.'
 — unknown

i'm sorry, not trying to be defensive - i appreciate all your comments & i'm thinking about it. i'm kind of attached to "free," though, you see... hmmmm.
 — vrai

Awww bless. I know this myth so well as I studied it in depth in order to interpret it for our recent devised assessment in drama. I like your interpretation of it, tis interesting. However, I too am not too keen on some of the rhyming, especially in stanza 6, which seems to have a rhythmical problem, but I can see the bones are there, as is some of the flesh, you just need to work a bit more, and this could be a fantastical poem.
 — thesilencing

keep he and free - keep it all - I like it muchly.
 — opal

I have to agree. I say keep He and free.  It is a fine poem.
 — unknown

Takes me breath away.
You are very talented, V.
 — jenakajoffer

You lost me at "to be with He."   I scanned a bit and found this to be the epitome of a poem that wants to be poetry. Bad rhyme, bad romantic topic that's overblown and sickeningly sweet, too much drama without enough substance.
 — Isabelle5

I LOVE the He/Free...

I love the poem.

its wonderful.
 — luster

just wanted you to know that i had this poem in my mind the other day,
and no, i wasn't at the computer.

i sure love this,
still.

hey, are you still around?
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

wow, your last log-in
was when i first came to this site.
come back!
 — jenakajoffer

I think all the arbitrary rhyme debate is ridiculous. This is quality work.
 — ishtarboy300

I like the rhyming. All but L28. It seems forced.

Really nice write though!

*laura352*
 — unknown

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