poetry critical

online poetry workshop



We Were Once Young
KAE12

We were once young.
 1
Our smiles were filled with frightened unfamiliarity,
 2
we could barely brush our teeth. Sensitive to the touch, they somehow
 3
shined like a sparkler when all we needed was a light.
 4
 
 
We were once young.
 5
We walked the shore as the moon became the day,
 6
and for the moment, we were living well.
 7
Although we slept on park benches and train station floors,
 8
no one dared to utter a word. We kept occupied
 9
with quite conversations about life with out life.
 10
 
 
        Like how they filled their glasses only a quarter way full.
 11
        Or the way they wore their pride like a trend,
 12
        and fashioned their passion like clothes formed to  fit.
 13
        All as we stood out like dated wardrobes from the past.
 14
        So we tried our best to not get caught, and
 15
 
 
We gave up the things we were accustomed to, just to find
 16
a second home. As if we could ever really claim Anne “Mother”,
 17
we called her Mom to calm the nerves. At night I made a playlist
 18
of songs from friends I never loved.
 19
Although now the faces blend in like foreign cities on a map,
 20
every song played is memory attached to that sound track.
 21
 
 
We were once young.
 22
What a shame, I lost my perfect talent to age.
 23
Like a gypsy that snuck up and snatched that watch
 24
right from my wrist. I used to believe life was always easy.
 25
As if everything fell perfectly like flakes inside a snow globe.
 26
I knew it was impossible to live inside, because of course,
 27
you’d freeze to death. But it passed time and it got me by.
 28
 
 
We were once young.
 29
Our smiles were filled with stories. Teeth the size of
 30
Europe and our pockets wiped clean. We spent the summer searching
 31
for comfort in our own clothes, only to find new perspectives as a coat.
 32
And when we found what we weren’t looking for,
 33
we knew we spent life well. All to find we were never really broke,
 34
it was just the price of finding home.
 35

5 Dec 08

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Comments:

Hey! Four out of four excellent I'm very uimpressed and will watching for more of your work
 — BxPR

this may be good on a high school level but it sucks for us adults.
 — Sequiturist

thank you.
 — KAE12

I love lines 30-32.
for me, those lines saved the poem from being mediocre.
 — suedehead

I haven't received a comment in a while, just trying to see if anyone has anything to say. I appreciate the feedback!
 — KAE12

i wish i could un see this
 — unknown

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 — unknown

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