poetry critical

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:::eskimo pie mesons:::
unknown

i was at the super-ette
 1
when judyANDnancy were secretly discussing
 2
stringed theory
 3
they didn't see me
 4
over where the soap products are kept
 5
but i saw them
 6
 
 
they were doing it behind my back too
 7
 
 
i saw them over by the hostess ho hos
 8
 
 
i was in a jealous rage
 9
cause them girls
 10
were going to have a party to discuss stringed physics or cosmologies
 11
where boys weren't invited  
 12
 
 
and i had felt left out
 13
 
 
judy wears mascara and has a skateboard and
 14
nancy chews gum all of the time and says things
 15
about me in the lunchroom
 16
that somehow gets back to me
 17
from my friend's close ears
 18
 
 
i wish if they were going to explain how
 19
if the deepest light from the hubble deepfield protogalaxies
 20
always shows
 21
however this light is out of date
 22
then what has taken its place? what are we looking at?
 23
 
 
they never asked me over to their place
 24
and listen to music
 25
                    drink sodas
 26
                         have potato chips
 27
and dip
 28
 
 
i'm never invited
 29
 
 
*i know that this is a conspiracy against me
 30
 
 
they are liars
 31
and if i get to hold a party
 32
i will never invite either judyORnancy
 33
just because they are popular
 34
 
 
i wouldn't know where to plug in their low-cost super-computer at my house, any way.
 35

24 Dec 08

Rated 9.5 (9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (2): 5, 9, 10

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(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

gene-yoos
 — unknown

really nice formatting in this. the positioning and breaks make it as though i can hear your voice reading this. nice lean word choice, careful control of what's not said. very impressive.
 — geckodrome

thnaks
 — unknown

hubble deepfield protogalaxies!
 — unknown

although inevitable
i never considered it possible
that a poem could transform me into an adolescent girl
good shit
23 is the most massive in this, and seems to be bending time to its will

i at first was going to mention deepest light so closely preceding deepfield
but it sounds like deepest slight (sleight) and therefore raised the temperature of the cosmic microwave background however ephemerally in my region of spacetime
meet me on the grid
 — chuckle_s

most enjoyable read

the relations between the two dynamic subjects is simply and precisely played ..
and never out of synch with one another as the continuity of you in this makes it reality..

good poem.. and fun :)
 — Mongrol

someone is pulling your strings -- here you've created the snowball effect rolling your ball 'o string down the mountain of the viscous lie telling tales outta school -- their fooling with you and like the labyrinthine mythologies of yore you've gotta mantacore to avoid in the deep spaces of giggling school girls leaving you messages in the bottle of pop -- coming of age in the time of the higgs/boson 'n dark matter 'o facts makes for an infinite loop -- good rhythm in this story bending light
 — AlchemiA

higgy dust
 — unknown

great poem, loved the characters and seeing the junk food mixed into this.  
14-18 were my fave,
nice.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

I heard someone on the radio once say that they were tired of the prejudice aimed at the overweight. They said something like "you're not allowed to make fun of gay people, so why are you allowed to make fun of fat people? It's the same thing."

It's not the same thing though, is it? Gay people are born that way. They didn't work at becoming gay. Fat people became fat because they would rather be that way than stop eating so much. They had to eat and eat to get fat. Then, when they were fat they had to keep up the eating to stay fat. For gayness to be the same as fatness, gay people would have to start off straight but then ween themselves onto cock. Soon they're noshing all day getting gayer and gayer. They've had more than enough cock... they're full... they're just sucking for the sake of it. Now they're overgay, and frowned upon by people who can have the occasional cock but not over indulge.

When a doctor tells me that that's how you become gay, I'll stop making jokes about fat people.
 — unknown

some people - with the correct genetic dispostion - are born fat, pre-destined through chemistry to be fat.

in some regards, it is exactly the same premise..

your parallels otherwise are nonsense... meh..
 — Mongrol

i like the parallel universes here though.

write on, poet.
: )
 — fractalcore

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