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i lean against an iron fence
mould_jesus

as you vomit deep crimson
 1
into a tin garbage pail,
 2
think.
 3
with nothing to show but
 4
a crumpled portrait of
 5
george washington and
 6
a throat rubbed raw by acid,
 7
you will never walk again
 8
on your own.
 9
 
 
a life wrought of iron attracts
 10
rust. it is not the quantity,
 11
but potency that counts.
 12
pack a bag with regrets and
 13
throw it overboard.
 14
 
 
to fear god is to fear yourself.
 15
to fear death is to fear life.
 16
 
 
(to embrace the unknown is to fear nothing)
 17

26 Dec 08

Rated 9.5 (8.8) by 2 users.
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Inactive (4): 3, 8, 8, 9, 10

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Comments:

the back seat preacher speaking in l1 l11 and l17 can be excised to make this more of a poem and less of an agenda -- l4 can go too then you've got something to flesh out here
 — AlchemiA

this is sort of me talking to myself.

i do that a lot. in my head, out loud when i'm alone, and on paper.
 — mould_jesus

thread bump
 — mould_jesus

and once again i bump this thread just to see if i can get two fucking comments (wayyyyyyyyyyy too many people use this forum now. i can't get any useful feedback).
 — mould_jesus

this has great potential, mould_jesus.
maybe work your words into the
understanding and feeling of your
sentiments. let your word-tokens
lead the way towards you, the
poet, or to the poem, so to speak.

i maybe wrong and i don't understand
many a poem here, but all i get from
it is someone whining about something.
i have serious problems with my writing,
too, and we're here to rewrite and polish
our "little gems" while we can.

i'm not sure if i'm helping you really but
i still have the chance to revise this
comment anytime.

there are lots of old and mature poets
here; reading them also helps a great deal.

: )
 — fractalcore

or you can join your current ||1, 11 & 17 as
||15, 16, 17 in quotes, each of them, or unquoted;
or just get rid of them as AlchemiA suggested.

: )
 — fractalcore

I agree with Alchemia's changes - removing lines 1,11and 17 would improve this immensely. I'm gobsmacked by this on the whole. Starting on line 2 would make it even stronger. It shows great promise and insight.

smugzy
 — unknown

see, the problem is that those lines are what i built the poem around. those are, in my opinion, the strongest lines in the work. i was riding in my car and came up with "to fear death is to fear life", "to fear god is to fear yourself", and "to embrace the unknown is to fear nothing". then i got home and built a poem around that. the feedback i was looking for was in hopes of refining and polishing the lines in between these jewels i've created.

this is fuckin' with me because the lines everyone tells me to omit are the only ones i refuse to.

help?
 — mould_jesus

but i suggested that you retain them
if you wanted but put all three of them
juxtaposed and in quoted maybe at the
bottom or on top.

or forget about the quotes altogether.
finding scattered like holes on the road
is not that pleasant especially to the
rhythm and flow, if you know what i mean.

just my two cents, though, as i'm very
poor these days.

: )
 — fractalcore

finding THEM

sorry.
: )
 — fractalcore

minus "in" too.

jeez.
: )
 — fractalcore

that sounds reasonable to me. let me see what i can do.
 — mould_jesus

see how this works. i didn't realize how much better the stanzas were without the original phrases until i removed those phrases. i like the stanzas better like this, and the phrases better as standalones at the end.

by george, i think we're getting somewhere.
 — mould_jesus

whoah!

way to go, george! hehe.
now i'm going to fave this.
; )
 — fractalcore

thread bump for the changes. let's see what you think.
 — mould_jesus

why wouldn't you walk on your own again?
i get nothing from this statement; i am told of bloodpuke and a sore throat; that tells me you may never speak.  kwim?

mentioning GW is odd sounding, if you are trying to suggest politics of any degree; the name makes it cheezy.  i mean, there is nothing else in the poem that suggests it.  i would rather the portrait be crumpled of me, or you; something relatable.

i like your tone, and the lines 10-14.
i realized the meaty pieces are lines 15-17, but i really only like the last one.  more power!

your writing intrigues me.  i hope you don't mind that i make honest comments.  
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

no i don't mind at all. i like the honest ones.

crumpled portrait of george washington is a $1 bill.

walk on your own again, figuratively. walking in this sense means living, breathing, being.

if you have any more comments i'd love to hear them. i like the way you pick things out. reminds me of how i critique.
 — mould_jesus

rubbed seems like a strange thing for acid to have done
 — unknown

interesting nitpick.
 — mould_jesus

nice poem.
 — varun

i agree about the acid rubbing.
also, just for fun, would you consider

you will never walk again
on your own.
 — varun

good idea.

i'll change that. i like the way it reads.

thanks.
 — mould_jesus

Nicely done. Some stirring imagery... depressing, indeed, but effective. This may change your sentiment, but how do you feel about 'a life wrought with iron' instead of 'of iron'? And this is just my opinion, but I think this piece might be powerful with the last three lines taken out altogether. They're interesting, but they don't feel like they fit into the larger piece, and I think l14 would stand as a very powerful closer. Nicely done.
 — snow

Hey Gordon - didn't know you were back. I remember you were mould_jesus before disappearing from here, anyway.

Still on lj?
 — wendz

oh hell no not on lj anymore. abandoned that for years.

email me or something so we don't end up just messaging on a poetry forum
 — mould_jesus

nice. should probably give a critique, but i like this a lot, would suggest leaving it be.

of course up to you. but, regardless ... good piece.
 — listen

thank you
 — mould_jesus

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