poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Kimiko
starr

Kimiko,
 1
what would you
 2
sing of the snow?
 3
What words would your
 4
supple voice communicate
 5
were it to fall outside your window?
 6
 
 
And Kimiko,
 7
what would you
 8
dream of the night?
 9
 
 
What visions would your
 10
slumber hold
 11
if lovers danced in winter's shadow,
 12
somewhere in your sleep
 13
kissing fast and fervently
 14
where frost persists
 15
and drifts are steep?
 16
 
 
Kimiko,
 17
what would you give to touch the snow
 18
were it to blow
 19
and fill your cradle?
 20

For Kimiko Itoh with love.

30 Dec 08

Rated 9.5 (8.1) by 4 users.
Active (4): 3, 10, 10
Inactive (15): 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Her name is pronounced KIM-EE-KOE  EE-TOE.  :-)
 — starr

That is a pretty name!  I can't read this, I can only sing it.  Lovely, soft, like your falling snow.  
 — Isabelle5

Gorgeous
 — unknown

Thanks, guys!  The voice is a sweet as falling snow.  I've never heard a voice quite like hers.  Happy New Year!  :-)
 — starr

This is very musical, with clear, wonderful images.  An excellent poem.
 — PaulS

starr! I should have known!
 — PaulS

Paul!  You always make me smile and you always call my writing "musical!"  LOL!  I'm flattered that you like what I put out there.  Happy New Year, buddy.  :-)
 — starr

starr, I call your writing musical because it sings off the page :)
 — PaulS

LOL!  You're too cool!  I don't know...it's just what's inside my heart and it comes out of my pen onto the page and then from my fingertips to the screen, Paul.  Nothin' more to it.  Same with yours, buddy.  :-)
 — starr

like falling slowly snow wafting in the street light glimmering 'n shimmering its magic in the night -- with rhythm 'n rhyme making it roll off the tongue with kisses for Kiminko the rising Sun -- well done, Starr
 — AlchemiA

Thanks, Alch!  You are beautiful.  Hope u have a happy new year and that it's filled with much peace and a whole lotta blessin's. :-)
 — starr

a place where frost is "cool", really does not strike me as being all that interesting a locale. frost is indeed cool. i know a lot about frost. it rimes with whore.
 — chuckle_s

i just chuckled
 — chuckle_s

Someone took his silly pill today.  :-)
 — starr

so many flavors to that wonderful voice, starr.  love this one too.  i love all of your work, but this one for some reason has a particular beauty about it.  ":-)" as you would say!
 — unknown

it is a beautiful musical piece

an old verse song with just a Biwa for accompaniment - a song for empty rooms :)
 — Mongrol

Mong, you're so sweet.  Thank you for your warming comment and Happy New Year too.  :-)
 — starr

I like this. It has the gloss of simplicity that makes it easily accessible like a dialogue directly to someone with whom you're speaking, but also the cheer and almost-melancholy (or is the latter just me?) of something inherently felt when spoken. I also like the images, they seem to fit the mood.

Mongrol, I love your comment. Particularly the part, "a song for empty rooms." A poem is coming to mind already with that as the title. Thank you.
 — Kiite

Thank you, Kiite for your kind words.  I LOVE that "song for empty rooms" too!  Isn't that sooo freakin' beautiful?  If I could run through emty rooms with a song, it'd be "1/1" by Brian Eno from his "Music for Airports" CD.  Definitely.  Happy New Year!  :-)
 — starr

You're welcome, Starr. I'm going to have to look that song up, now. Thanks for mentioning.  And happy new year!
 — Kiite

Brian Eno's "Music for Airports" are definitively songs for empty rooms -- Beautiful ambient tunes starr
 — AlchemiA

One of my Christmas wishes this year was to own 11 of Eno's newly remastered CD's and my wish came true!  I got the 4 from the "Ambient Series" and 7 more.  I LOVE Eno, Alch!!!  There's nothing better than his soothing sonics and an eager, awaiting notebook.  Kiite, you won't be let down.  Brian Eno's music is for poets, I like 2 think.  Happy New Year to you both!  xoxo :-)
 — starr

Yes! That's perfectly the idea Starr Alch and Kiite :D

It fits the image of the sound I had when I read this, very well.. will be looking at the Eno re-mastered CD a bit later too ;)
 — Mongrol

i think frost is cool is not very cool. just as well to say

where there is frost

im somewhat confident that most folks are gonna know that frost is not tepid
nor warm
nor snuggly
nor hot
nor cozy
i was not being silly so much as simply succumbing to my status as an
operating thetan. i know all about l ron. he rhymes with hoar.
 — chuckle_s

Got'cha, Chuck.  I think this is better and rids the original frost of its redundance.  Thanks.  Happy New Year.  :-)
 — starr

Brian Eno's "ambient" music is also called "minimalist music."  It's like sitting in a room with yourself and experiencing your most distant thinking/thoughts coming into the foreground.  The music serving as a very quiet backdrop.  Not all of his music is "ambient," however, so be careful with your purchases and/or check him out in Wiki to make sure.  I'll go to the Message Board and leave a list there for every-1 who may be interested.  :-)
 — starr

there are some kick ass lyrics in this poem, and it really does it for me at line 10 until the end (which is very beautiful), however, line 15 isn't a smooth as it could be.  read it again and see if your mouth is over-worked. it feels tongue tying, but it might just be me.

lovely words,
i can't believe how awesome the last few lines are.  it's the cradle.  yep, it's perfect.
!!!!
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Originally, Jen, L15 read "where frost is cool and drifts are steep," but Chuckle_s takes issue with the redundance in "frost is cool."  I kinda like it myself, but I can see his point too.  :-)  Thank you for your BEAUTIFUL comments, my sweet Northern friend!  :-)
 — starr

Okay...I just changed it back from "where frost encrusts drifts which are steep" to "where frost is cool and drifts are steep."  You're right...the "encrusts" part leaves a very heavy feeling in the mouth sonically, Jen.  Chuck is right though:  frost IS cool.  We know this, but what can I replace "cool" with that would remove the already in place redundance with one syllable?  xoxo
 — starr

yes he's right about 'cool'.

any of these work?
"where frost is thick"
"where frost is knit"
"where frost is fine"

=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Jen, thanks.  Check out L15 now.  :-)
 — starr

I think it reads better now w/o the initial redundance.  The comma follows "drifts" for not only a pause (a breath,) but so that "steep" modifies "drifts."  You follow me?    Thanks again for liking this poem and I wish u and your peeps a happy new year.  xoxo.  
 — starr

OMG...my brain hurts today.  OR, I COULD write L15 like this too:  "where frost sugars drifts that are steep."  I think both work, personally, but would appreciate hearing what others think about this too.  Thanks!  :-)
 — starr

Personally, I think if I were to use "that are" before "steep" that it would be a little clunky.  I tend to think that it reads nicely just the way it izz.  :-)
 — starr

I just fixed L15 and I think I nailed it this time.  Thanks to every-1 who saw this poem to #1 Top Rated.  That was a blessing to begin a new year with.  It makes me feel good when others dig what I put out.  Thanks again!  :-)    
 — starr

hm, this was #1 earlier today, figures eh?
ah well.  i like line 15, Starr.  
there is quite a snake of esses, but what can ya do?
no more opinions from me,
it's all good.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Great stuff.
 — Mudd

Jen, thanks!  Yep.  It WAS #1 earlier today, but that's okay.  I'm happy knowing it got there for however how long it did.  And Mudd, thank you!  :-)
 — starr

I actually don't have an issue with her.  I don't post stuff here that warrants deletion.  I have more important things to do with my life than troll poetry forums.  :-)
 — starr

This is beautiful. :)
 — CrystalSong

Thanks, CrystalSong!  :-)  Happy New Year!
 — starr

there's something about japanese names
and their women that is so charming.

this particular girl here must be very special.
: )
 — fractalcore

got to agree fract...



Motoko

Miki

Kyoko

Ayumi

but saying that... there are so many beautiful japanese girl names it is too hard to say one or other is favourite.. those above i particularly like though..
 — Mongrol

ahuh.

what do you think of "Yoko"?
: )
 — fractalcore

I do like the name Yoko, but i think i prefer the variations, kyoko, myoko - like that..

i think my favourite forms are the multi-syllable names - like Nozomi, or Yumiko, which of course can be cutified into shorter versions, but just love saying the full names out loud, such lovely sounds :)
 — Mongrol

LOL!  You guyz are so cute!  Kimiko Itoh is my favorite Jazz singer from Japan.  Her voice is smooth & creamy and she's been Japan's #1 female Jazz singer for quite sometime now.  She usually covers the American Standards songbook.  This poem was written in her honor.  On her Live in Montreaux CD, she's accompanied by Makoto Ozone (Ma-koe-toe Oh-zone-ee) on piano.  HE is phenomenal!  :-)
 — starr

You did this just right. Comma before of on line nine, or comma after you on line eight? That was the only part that got to me. Otherwise, this is sooo pleasent.
 — MattPat

I am honored!  Mattpat, thanks 4 your kind comment.  Think "breath" when u think "comma."  If I were to put a comma in either place you're suggesting, the poem would end up "choking on itself" or "gasping for air."   LOL!  No worries, my brotha.  It's all good in da hood.  Thanks again 4 stoppin' by and thanks again 2 every-1 who saw this poem to #1 Recent Best & #1 Top Rated for the second time since it's been posted.  It's a blessing.  :-)
 — starr

This is so sweetly written, it took me back to the one night ofmy life when I was in a place where it snowed.  The softness and the silence of it.  I think you have caught the lovliness...excellent writing.
 — unknown

Thanks, unk.!  Glad u like this!  It's written about a Japanese Jazz singer whom I adore (Kimiko Itoh.)  Take care and thanks 4 the read and the kind comments.  :-)
 — starr

the questioning style is interesting, but leads to a lot of unused space
 — bettyw1873

Hey bettyw1873!  Thanks 4 the read.  "Unused SPACE!!!"  The page was FILLED!  LOL!  Glad u liked it.  :-)
 — starr

oh yes this is loverly!! really lovely. thanks.
 — Clara

Clara!  Thanks!  I'm glad u enjoyed it!  :-)
 — starr

ki mi ko
 — unknown

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 — unknown

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