poetry critical

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How Many Seasons I Have Loved You
CrystalSong

How many seasons have I loved you
 1
I have loved you for the December which we 1st embraced,
 2
As blue angels in the night.
 3
And yet, a faltering yet burnishing flame,
 4
Like a river ebbs,
 5
Yet coursing more passionately at other times;
 6
Our memories of the mountains are serene
 7
As if angels touched us then.
 8
Your company was immeasurably good
 9
When you told stories, I embraced
 10
The ambrosia of being near you;
 11
It is the saccharine sweetness of your being which draws me near.
 12
Oh, if only our memory was untouched!
 13
Only the gilded moments would surface
 14
From the pool
 15
Covered by a spray of water lilies.
 16

7 Jan 09


(define the words in this poem)



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Comments:

"How many seasons have I loved you
I have loved you..."
where are the seasons in this? it seems that the entire premise of the poem was abandoned immediately; i suppose one could infer that december counts as a season, but that's quite a stretch. it seems as though the writer came up with a line that sounded catchy to them, but then didn't think enough to actually go through with it once the poem got going. i expected to hear allusions to love surviving a harsh winter, or starting to die off in the autumn, or maybe falling victim to drought in summer, then re-blossoming in the spring??? something. season-like.

the poem is fraught with problems of various types.

perhaps a question mark is needed to end line 1?

line 2  "I have loved you for the December which we 1st embraced,"

seems like you loved the person "due to" the december. also, "which" should probably be "when". maybe you want to say "i have loved you since that december"?

line 3 "as blue angels in the night"

what does this mean? blue angels i have heard of, but most lovers aren't going to find them particularly romantic. this line must be so personal that only you know what exactly it is. doesn't make for good reading. try something more general, more physically real and relatable; concrete image.

line 4 "And yet, a faltering yet burnishing flame,"

yet. yet. can you see how this line is kinda screwed up? so there's a flame, and it's faltering, and burnishing? what is it burnishing? what is becoming burnished by this mysterious flame? i read on and found no allusion to anything becoming burnished by this flame.

line 5 "Like a river ebbs,"

firstly, the syntax is forced into an inversion, making it sound a couple hundred years old; would you say to your friend "this beer, i drink", or "this cigarette, i light" when you in fact mean " i drink this beer" and " i light this cigarette"? see what i mean? it is important for the speech to be natural. secondly, it is strange indeed that a "flame" would be compared to a "river", don't you think? thirdly, the flame has already been described as faltering, to then say it ebbs is just this side of redundant, and really adds nothing to the poem at all.

line 6 "Yet coursing more passionately at other times;"

yet. yet again. oh my goodness. so now the flame is "coursing"? odd and weird and not good. something needs to be done about this. finally, though, i know what the flame is all about: passion. okay. we're getting somewhere.

line 7 "Our memories of the mountains are serene"

okay. i might suggest that you put an empty line after line 6 in order to start a new stanza here. a new direction is being taken, so the form of the poem should reflect this. it is a line like this one that should be focused on as starting points for improvement, because it's good. it has a nice rhythm to it. the alliteration is subtle. the mountains are relatable.

line 8 "As if angels touched us then."

then? when? when you had the memories? or perhaps when you were in the mountains? really, what does it mean to you to have been touched by angels? this could mean anything, even death. if you want to say that you were really happy, why not just think of how to say "that time we were really happy", in a way that is clear. angels?

line 9 "Your company was immeasurably good"

hehe, this is really kinda funny. "well, thank-you so much for the beautiful weekend, the candlelit romance, the amazing love-making, and the engagement ring: your company was immeasurably good"

anyhoo
good luck
 — chuckle_s

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