|An ugly sunset
like a rainbow
you disappeared right before my eyes
when I got too close
taking it so personally
that I didn’t want to live in this cliché
but I’m not ignoring you I swear
I’m far too busy being ignorant
and now you've witnessed a disappointing miracle
carrying everyone else's baggage
like some self appointed atlas
did you honestly expect different results
making a perfect stranger your confidant?
your rude awakening
politely roused me from my own slumber
so I'll be crying at your funeral tonight
remembering the time you asked :
ever gone everywhere?
8 Jan 09
Rated 10 (8.7) by 1 users.
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Inactive (2): 8, 8
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ah shud up
Apart from no caps, etc., this is a very intriguing poem. It caught me immediately, drew me directly to the center of your poem and kept me there the whole time I was reading.
I kept expecting it to become cliched, as some of the ideas seem well-used but it didn't. Lines 13-14 is a life lesson, isn't it?
I like the first three lines a lot. I Lines 13-16 are also pretty good.
In my own poems, however, I avoid using the word "cliché" as much as possible. That's the only thing I'd change, unless you really feel that it works for your poem.
wow this is a really good poem. i love it actually. there are certain things like irregular punctuation to it but other than that i really love it.
this poem is shiny
like a rainbow.
i like what Isabelle said,
thinking this was going to be orinary shit
and how it turned out to be pretty neat-O.
L4 & 5 are a bit on the lamer side
and i don't get the funeral part
but maybe it's just a "saying".
(that is not a typo)
Thank you all very much for your comments
really appreciate them sincerely
hmm - quiet and powerful, with a most perfect observation
it handles everything in this piece to that last pitiful memory, this is carried through the poem, and then finally spoken outloud..
a good write..
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