poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Between Here and the Next Town
sybarite

honeyed tongue
 1
a voice that makes you
 2
 
 
sticky
 3
 
 
perfect pitch
 4
perfect key
 5
tumblers come
 6
 
 
undone
 7
 
 
doors thought closed
 8
slide open
 9
everything comes
 10
 
 
unlocked
 11
 
 
he has a way with guitars
 12
 
 
and women
 13
 
 
draws the sweetest of sounds
 14
from both of them
 15
you break promises made to yourself
 16
about not being distracted
 17
by shiny men who play guitar
 18
 
 
and sing
 19
 
 
shameless in the spotlight
 20
shameless with guitars
 21
 
 
and women
 22
 
 
after he's gone you realize
 23
you were just lyrics for the song he'd write
 24
between here
 25
 
 
and the next town
 26

4 Mar 09

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Comments:

I Love You.
 — p_p_love

tumblers come, everything comes, he has had his way with guitars, and women, from both of them, shameless in the spotlight, after he's gone you realize, between here, and the next town... everything works well, i really like your breaks, let's see how the axe falls... j.g.smiles
 — goeszon

The formatting is the key to this work. Disjointed and a-rythmical. Akin to the phrasing of any good song, or dance. Musicians would call this syncopation, poets - enjambment.

I think it also lends to the clacking of the railroad tracks heard as this song is written. Only thing I might suggest in the way of being 'constructive' would be to play with the line spacing, pair up different combinations of lines. But don't play with their length. Staccato is the best way to be bluesy.
 — PaleHorse

Thanks for the feedback, appreciated.  Palehorse--will play with this a bit as suggested and see what it looks, feels like with different line spacing.

Cheers!
 — sybarite

goodness, i love serious poetry. poems like this, i mean. other types are great, but the serious ones really get me.

so, just thought you should know.

though i'm always impartial to footnotes. reading it suggested that perhaps you don't think it is finished ... and, perhaps you might not be. however, i liked the line breaks, gave the feeling of loneliness, disconnection. because of that, i would suggest removing it, simply because the footnote is inaccurate. at least, from my angle.

and, it is sad what the world has come to in some instances. but, you captured the sorrow.
 — listen

i meant, just thought you should know that you do a good job with handling such things. is a strength you incorporate. if, that means anything i suppose.
 — listen

thanks for the read and comments listen, footnote deleted..
 — sybarite

yes!

can we hear you sing this? would love to hear you sing this!!
 — funes

ah the . . .  irony

long live poetry!!

long live the  . . . page
 — Clara

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