poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the young poet
unknown

writes a mawkish
 1
obtuse line,
 2
dawdling and turgid
 3
like a sick river.
 4
 
 
he's twenty-two,
 5
lives with his parents
 6
and doesn't have a job.
 7
 
 
he emails me once
 8
or twice a month:
 9
blows warm smoke up my ass
 10
and asks for advice
 11
on publishing and writing.
 12
 
 
my only piece of advice
 13
i type in all caps:
 14
 
 
GET THE HELL OUT OF YOUR PARENT'S HOUSE!
 15
 
 
but he says
 16
he's afraid
 17
if he moved out
 18
and had to get a job
 19
he wouldn't have as much time
 20
to edit and write
 21
and perfect the craft.
 22
then he usually tells me about
 23
the newest book of poetry
 24
he bought with his parent's money:
 25
he's constantly reading
 26
and editing
 27
and honing his craft.
 28
 
 
i don't have the heart to tell him
 29
that between the job
 30
and my son
 31
and chasing women
 32
i'm lucky to get two hours
 33
three days a week
 34
to write
 35
but still publish twenty poems
 36
for every one of his.
 37
 
 
i've decided
 38
the purest
 39
most altruistic thing i can do
 40
is beat his ass
 41
right there on the spot
 42
if we ever meet.
 43
 
 
jostle
 44
a little reality
 45
into his peter pan mind:
 46
 
 
or at the bare minimum
 47
give him something vivid
 48
and unequivocal
 49
to write about.
 50

11 Mar 09

Rated 10 (8.6) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10
Inactive (4): 1, 6, 7, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

i like your young poet poem.
 — chuckle_s

me too.. and the upper case advice to him is spot on ;)
 — Gynoid

very easy to read and believe, good choices of words to be sure... Poetry an innate urge toward truth and beauty...ferlinghetti   j.g.smiles
 — goeszon

hmm...
: )
 — fractalcore

very good and real writing, some of the best writers never write.
 — gjenkins

well writ with a wry wit flowing through it -- nothing dawdling 'n turgid here -- unequivical
 — AlchemiA

good work justin
 — AlchemiA

Storyteller's prose.
Seems a lot more honest somehow, eh?
Please don't hit me.
 — turboswami

prosaic poetry or poetic prose: the choice is yours
 — unknown

the world of Poetics according to User: kenny

I read poems but I don't write poems. If your poem is an exceptionally great one I will tell you so. If your poem really stinks I will say so. Any others will not receive a comment from me.

idiot alert!!!
 — unknown

i like this. good humor. nice ending.
 — arwilson1203

haha i shoulda mentioned i have some notion who the young poet in question is and if im correct i totally agree with the assessment in lines 1 and 2
 — chuckle_s

Damn thats a lot of funny words in the first stanza, be easy
warm smoke up the ass, good job, good good
we see that you typed in caps, man
You don't have the heart, huh?  Hard to believe
chasing women makes it sound kinda generic, like, the experience, because 'chasing women' is a phrase
cut that but still publish, sounds like youre trying to prove somthing, 'to write' is enough if its important
baby you lose me at the end because I don't believe you.  'beat his ass' ?  I don't believe you, old man
 — bykguy2000

this is a good self-stroking
and you know the difference i'm talking about.
hear it in the voice.  it's got to be assertive and sexy,
not all toffee-nosed.
also this has some great lines about the young dude
and your relationship
which makes the poem quite engaging.

i like this one
but for the ending; i would've liked to see it end with beating his ass right there on the spot.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

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