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Frog
technomancer

Long hair, long nose, a jitter-eye'd
 1
red-lipped dragonfly sits still on the pond,
 2
as I hop free of my lily.  As is rarely
 3
the case, she's an easy catch and tasty,
 4
thin and crispy, worthwhile and risk-free,
 5
because I breathe deep and swim well.
 6
My tongue, long-stretched, makes a
 7
quiet catch, and she is mine.
 8

21 Mar 09

Rated 10 (9.5) by 1 users.
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Comments:

"Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown."... L . Ferlinghetti ... at your service... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

ooh nice

i wish you would make some real frog sounds though
that would be real
swell
 — unknown

Delightful little read, really like L1.  Thanks!
 — sybarite

Who rated me a 1 and bailed? Kids these days

Thanks for the review everyone else :)
 — technomancer

Rewrite for sound probably coming soon
 — technomancer

your one came from kenny/clmt -- he is ubiquitously one-duping us all -- nevertheless this 'lil poment describes an 18 million year old pond 'n paddy arrangement -- I love frogs and come from the frog clan of the prairie Ojibwa first nations -- the flicker of rainbows on the wing of a Dragon-Fly takes my breath away -- I also like both of these creatures as they represent a healthy land/water microbiology and that the watershed is unpolluted by pesticides -- they also eat the pests 'n mosquitoes -- I've watched both these creatures for hours -- so alliteration 'n rhythm is your next move here -- I'll keep watching it for changes then
 — AlchemiA

i think you'd have something if this poem began with line 3's
"as is rarely", and so forth.  line 2 is great-- 'a jitter-eye'd  
red-lipped dragonfly' and could be thrown in after.  i think you could do without the apostrophe in eye'd.

always love a frog poem,
nice one
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

check the linebreaks
i think you could demonstrate a real hiphop nifty rhythm if the lines were shortened up and the rhymes accentuated somewhat
cute little poem type amphibious creaturely exposition
 — chuckle_s

oh wow :)  
do I love this or what.  I would lose 'as i hop free my lily' as it feels distracting.
love the way you ended this.  just so fitting, so familiar (love frogs)
 — Estella

Thanks Estella :)  And yeah, that phrase does seem to stand out, it draws attention to itself, as does line six.  Its the readers breath for air but the details that I intended there don't come fully through.
 — technomancer

Thanks Estella :)  And yeah, that phrase does seem to stand out, it draws attention to itself, as does line six.  Its the readers breath for air but the details that I intended there don't come through.
 — technomancer

...and she is yours, oh well.
; )
 — fractalcore

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