poetry critical

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clockwise no more
onesandzeros

the brass turns and casts
 1
shadows of our
 2
slowly ticking hands,
 3
dragging
 4
dipping
 5
forever admitting
 6
i'm c[locked] in time
 7
via multiples of five
 8
and if only time were cyclical
 9
i would see you once again
 10
twice
 11
three times infinity
 12
our fingers pointing towards what was
 13
and what is sure to be
 14

27 Mar 09

Rated 9 (9) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10
Inactive (0): 8, 9

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(3 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

"If a poem has to be explicated, it's a failure in communication"   L. Ferlinghetti   j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

This is a site for critique, not the philosophy of poetry, goeszon. I suggest you make critique on the actual work and not the footnotes.

As for the poem, you used slowly twice, Try changing one of them to another word, or perhaps re-writing one of the lines.  I think this is a very interesting piece.  Keep it up!
 — Aziel

touche!
 — goeszon

nice.
: )
 — fractalcore

i really enjoyed this.
you have a really nice rhythm going on
slowly
ticking
my fingers tapping

i'm at odds with 'via'
as i feel it sticks out like a BUMP
i like infinity
and i recognize line 14 immediately
as you have in another of your poems
as it was a line i was very fond of.

what if this one said
'and what would never be'?
that extra 2 syllables really adds a good beat to your ending.

just a thought.
nice poem!
 — jenakajoffer

jenakajoffer  i see your point although via seems, to me, to be the only word that really fits
as for line 14, i feel "would be" instead of "would never be" is a more optimistic approach expressing that there is a future and that the person is through a cyclical time frame still in my life rather than a linear time frame where there are things left unsaid/done. it's a chance to fix every mistake and therefor a chance to live perfectly. if you have an alternative to the word via that fits please let me know ^_^ thanx for reading and the critique i really appreciate it!!
 — onesandzeros

in our measure of time there are curious circles filling our days, numbered moments marked by the scars of transiting lights, heavens moguls of tribulation 'n plight, that give or take away -- though I spend my time, circling the horizon of my mind, seeking her in time 'n space matters, a congruence of my need, she is on the face of it, a timeless piece, a swinging pendulum of rhythms sway, a clock that circumscribes my day, and in every second of my nights, the tick to my tock, that'll never be passe'

I see what you're going for using time as a metaphor for time well spent with the beloved -- its difficult as times arrow is so linear and your poem is so cubist turning in on itself then out again -- you've a nice sway of rhythms in how you say what you say -- biology thrives on disorder -- life is not a clock of predictable limits but a chaotic cloud of beautiful change which you've captured in some of the imagery here -- yet somehow the lynch-pin is L6 forever admitting -- there is a time catharsis here with forever while the word admitting seems incongruously applied -- just my thoughts on your fundamentally well made poement
 — AlchemiA

thanks for the input though i took my sweet TIME to make the changes
 — onesandzeros

This is really small, but I'd like to see [locked] instead of (locked)
 — Salamander

nice music btw
 — Salamander

what music?
 — onesandzeros

rhythm, assonance
 — Salamander

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