poetry critical

online poetry workshop



The elephant behind the sunflower.
yrrockstar

There are days when I feel like an elephant
 1
trying to hide behind a sunflower
 2
and my head is filled with ideas of how to climb
 3
this Mt. Everest of my life
 4
and all I want to say is let's go live in paradise
 5
but that's not it exactly.
 6
What I really mean is there are times when I wish
 7
you would actually look into my eyes
 8
and beyond everything else, I just wish
 9
you would see what has been there for these five years.
 10
Then, the world would be a pink rose,
 11
blooming in the biggest blizzard Virginia has seen.
 12

7 Apr 09

Rated 7 (7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7
Inactive (0): 7

(define the words in this poem)
(28 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

sweet.  i actually over-read the last line before i really got to it, and with pink rose, i expected this to say "blooming in the biggest blizzard vagina you've ever seen" haha.  

line 4 is a bit lame, i think you could find something better.

i get this,
nice poem
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Can you break this up a bit?  It's really quite 'running on.'  I like the Mt Everest idea but you make heavy use of 'and,' not in a good way.  

The first two lines and the title are the best parts so far.  
 — Isabelle5

A few suggestions:
Full stop on line4
remove "and" on L5.
insert a line break after L6.
Cut l7 in two
l8 can be: "there are times when i wish  you would actually look
l9: into my eyes, beyond everything else
l10: I just wish you would see what has been for five years.
      (there and these, i think may be removed)

Anyway, these are just my thoughts.

Overall I like your poem, and i believe everyone feels like an elephant at least once in a lifetime.

ps.. i misread the last line the way jena expected it to read too.. with the vagina word. lol!
 — majan

"blooming in the biggest blizzard Virginia..." a bit tonguey?
 — technomancer

i heard the other day that when he wasnt leading expeditions norgay was a tobacco tester his were some elephantine lungs oh yes
 — chuckle_s

0.219s