|The elephant behind the sunflower.
There are days when I feel like an elephant
trying to hide behind a sunflower
and my head is filled with ideas of how to climb
this Mt. Everest of my life
and all I want to say is let's go live in paradise
but that's not it exactly.
What I really mean is there are times when I wish
you would actually look into my eyes
and beyond everything else, I just wish
you would see what has been there for these five years.
Then, the world would be a pink rose,
blooming in the biggest blizzard Virginia has seen.
7 Apr 09
Rated 7 (7) by 2 users.
Inactive (0): 7, 7
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sweet. i actually over-read the last line before i really got to it, and with pink rose, i expected this to say "blooming in the biggest blizzard vagina you've ever seen" haha.
line 4 is a bit lame, i think you could find something better.
i get this,
Can you break this up a bit? It's really quite 'running on.' I like the Mt Everest idea but you make heavy use of 'and,' not in a good way.
The first two lines and the title are the best parts so far.
A few suggestions:
Full stop on line4
remove "and" on L5.
insert a line break after L6.
Cut l7 in two
l8 can be: "there are times when i wish you would actually look
l9: into my eyes, beyond everything else
l10: I just wish you would see what has been for five years.
(there and these, i think may be removed)
Anyway, these are just my thoughts.
Overall I like your poem, and i believe everyone feels like an elephant at least once in a lifetime.
ps.. i misread the last line the way jena expected it to read too.. with the vagina word. lol!
"blooming in the biggest blizzard Virginia..." a bit tonguey?
i heard the other day that when he wasnt leading expeditions norgay was a tobacco tester his were some elephantine lungs oh yes
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