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Fireflies
ChrisTaylor

fireflies beyond the wooden cross-hatch fence
 1
floating green terrestrial stars would call my name
 2
with a relaxing buzz
 3
they must have loved the summer evening smells as much as I
 4
I wonder why they left
 5
 
 
fireflies fly lazy in the meadow
 6
particular about semantics you call out
 7
That is not their name
 8
mysterious how from the porch I felt so close to heaven
 9
I wonder why I've never felt the same
 10
 
 
Now when heat and summer evening winds blow
 11
I think about the fragrance of a happier time
 12
take a deeper breath
 13
they must have felt the summer evenings die into an ember
 14
That's probably the reason they are gone
 15
they never came back
 16
but neither did I
 17

20 Feb 04

Rated 7 (7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7
Inactive (2): 6, 7, 8

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Comments:

Hey Chris...just suggestions: I would lose 'terrestrial' in l2 (doesn't add anything to it). I would also change 'fly' in l6 to maybe 'dance' and lose 'lazy' or maybe find another word for 'fly' ('fireflies fly' is too much of a mouthful). I'm not fond of l7 but that would be up to you. Line breaks are another issue but I'm no good at them either. Other than that, I like this and love the ending.
 — unknown

ok I've got a few points, see the changes below

Fireflies beyond the wooden cross hatch fence --
floating dreen stars would call my name
with a relazing buss.
They much have loved the summer evening
smells as much as I --
I wonder why they left.

Fireflies laze in the meadow --
Particular about semantics, you call out
"That is not their name"
mysterious how, from the porch, I felt so close to heaven. [not sure in the meaning behing this line...]
I wonder why I've never felt the same.

Now, when heat and summer evening winds blow,
I think about the fragrance of a happier time;
take a deeper breath.
They must have felt the summer evenings
die into an ember.
That's probably the reason they're gone --
they never came back --
but then again, neither did I.

Just some ideas, not a re-write (in ka's immortal words)
hope it helps
XxXx
 — Minx

actually line 5 make a break after the words smells, not before it..
XxXx
 — Minx

Thanks Minx, but your suggestion completely goes against the idea of line 8 because it's not what the person is calling out.  I capitalized "That" because it's the start of another thought.

to unknown: you're right on terrestrial... Though, I don't use the word "dance", and line 7 is the absolute most important line of the poem.
 — ChrisTaylor

Although you're right that terrestrial isn't needed in the line, it made less sense to me when I took it out... so terrestrial it is.
 — ChrisTaylor

Best poem I've read in a while...and I like terrestrial.
 — manstrut

how bittersweet

i should write you a long, in depth comment, but
i'm going to have to do it later because i'm going to sleep
 — Ananke

I'm holding you to that, Ananke
 — ChrisTaylor

Hello Chris,

Line 5. Do you think it 'needs' to begin with "I"? See what you think about this:

they must have loved the summer evening smells as much as I
wonder why they left

Just a suggestion. Nice poem by the way.
 — unknown

Okay now I've read the poem again, I'm not sure because Line 10 starts with "I wonder" as well. Evidently, you have a bit of a theme going.

:-)
 — PollyReg

yeah sometimes I like to make 2 lines similar, I really don't even know why
 — ChrisTaylor

Some punctuation would help the flow a bit, and is nice all around too :)

The one random rhyme of lines 8 & 10 throws me off. I'd either add some more rhymes or reword that there.

I don't know about this one. When you read the beginning it feels promising, and the end sort of lets you down. The beginning feels like you're floating along with the fireflies, and then they keep going... there's something more to say, but you just end it with "neither did I". If you even had a better way to say that... another image perhaps, I don't know. When you reach the end of this poem, it doesn't feel like the end.

I'd work with the line breaks a bit too.  That may be part of what leaves the reader hanging at the end. The packed line of 14 running into abrupt lines...
In fact, 14 would be a great ending line, if you could somehow work those last 3 lines into the part above 14, it might fix the flow a bit.

Also- all the "they"s in the last stanza. I know you're talking about the fireflies. The reader probably knows you're talking about the fireflies. But the antecedent is still unclear. You could be talking about the winds, or the evenings just as easily.

I confess, I completely don't get lines 7 and 8. Maybe it's a punctuation issue, maybe I'm just being dumb.

Do fireflies really buzz? Maybe just texan fireflies buzz.

Anyway, there are places this can be cleaned up, but I still do love the poem. Very sentimental.
 — Ananke

Oh I like this... I must say I'm not sure if i get l7 and l8 either, I might be just as dumb as Ananke here :P But I disagree on the ending part, I find it to fit very well as it is because as you mentioned in the poem, the fireflies they float and fly lazily and that's just how the ending is. It seems to me like it's floating and hanging in there itself. But then.. maybe that's just me lol:P I like it very much. Great job :)
xo
 — unknown

I think my main problem is, in an effort to keep the poem short and mysterious, I left out most of the references to what the poem is really about, which is more like a nostalgic thing that has not much to do with fire flies at all. I probably should completely re-write this to where 7 and 8 will make more sense.
 — ChrisTaylor

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