| Deathbed
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trochee
| You writhe in sacred morning shifts | 1 |
as you turn and twist in your deathbed | 2 |
to meet an author of greyness. | 3 |
A rustic ghost that will melt your beauty and allure | 4 |
into brass woven threads | 5 |
and knit you as his secret robe | 6 |
where he becomes what and how you make him feel. | 7 |
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Untouched, indifferent to the beauty around him. | 8 |
With images of your warmth and caress, | 9 |
of eyes, breaths and moans, | 10 |
he walks drunk | 11 |
in a fair of morbid muses | 12 |
ragging them with your scent of eternity. | 13 |
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28 Apr 09 |
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Comments:
later, you will meet a man wearing a mysterious hat.
— trashpoodle
thou know'st 'tis common: all that lives must die, Passing through nature to Eternity. Hamlet Act 1 Scene 2... Shakespeare of course.... as you are... ragging them with your scent of eternity &nb sp; &n bsp;
j.g. smiles
— goeszon
You might need faire in line 12 to show it isn't fair as an adjective.
This is so depressing! I can't really relate to thinking of Death this way at all. I'd remove either writhe or turn/twist, as they are basically the same thing, aren't they? Writhing means twisting. Author of greyness doesn't convey much of anything to me, it's very bland. You should use 'who' instead of that after ghost, as you are speaking of him and his, not its.
Line 7 is very cumbersome, can you make it flow a bit more?
You need a comma end of line 8. If you leave a period, it's not even a complete sentence.
I don't understand that last line at all. What does ragging them mean? Do you mean perfuming them?
I wonder who you're speaking to.
— Isabelle5
great double meaning. writhe sounds like write, which was of course intentional.
couldn't ask you to change a word.
— listen
thanks everyone for your time.
and shut up poodle ;)
— trochee
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