poetry critical

online poetry workshop



day's end
DeformedLion

it is dusk--
 1
the whisper of leaves,
 2
the tale end of sun
 3
punches amber
 4
light through
 5
twisted branch;
 6
through sky.
 7
 
 
it is dusk--
 8
the grass is swaying
 9
like an old tyre
 10
roped to a
 11
stripped down
 12
eucalypt,
 13
its vacant
 14
seat filled
 15
with twigs and
 16
sand.
 17
 
 
on the hill,
 18
the grass,
 19
sheltering
 20
plastic bodies from
 21
the storm.
 22
 
 
it is dusk--
 23
and the children
 24
are warm.
 25

1 May 09

Rated 10 (10) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (1): 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(370 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

the drill sergeant likes this.
 — unknown

A sweet write with pure and simple images--the last stanza brings it all home.  An excellent write indeed.
 — PaulS

thanks Paul, i like this one too.
 — DeformedLion

yes, i like it still, i think it has that "feeling" thing.
 — DeformedLion

may i?


>>


through: the day


whisper of leaves
tail end of sun
punches amber light
through
twisted branch

through sky
the dusk is swaying
like an old tyre
roped to a stripped down
eucalypt
its vacant seat
filled with twigs
and sand

on the hill
the grass
sheltering plastic
bodies
from the storm

it is dusk
and the children
are warm


>>


still beautiful as it is though.
thanks.

: )
 — fractalcore

0.354s