poetry critical

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A poetaster convicted of mediocrity
unknown

A poem blindfolds,
 1
straps him on
 2
the electric chair
 3
without even the precedent
 4
pleasure of a final supper
 5
and wardrobe change;
 6
 
 
the straight jacket,
 7
shaven head and brows,
 8
fuchsia full lips agape
 9
in wordy wordless lament,
 10
is picture perfect painting
 11
grotesque disillusionment!
 12
 
 
=================
 13
 
 
(bear with this)
 14
v.2.mediocre try    
 15
    
 16
 
 
A poem blindfolds,  
 17
straps him on chair---  
 18
electric, even  
 19
without the precedent  
 20
    
 21
last pleasure  
 22
final supper, and  
 23
wardrobe change;  
 24
    
 25
straight jacket,
 26
shaven head, brows,
 27
fuchsia full lips agape  
 28
    
 29
in wordy wordless lament  
 30
---painting picture perfect  
 31
grotesque disillusionment!
 32

4 May 09

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (1): 10

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Comments:

this is nice.

|15-16 icky but nice, too.

if i may:


>>

a poem blindfolds,
straps him --

      chair,

electric without
even
the precedent pleasure
      of a final supper
or wardrobe change...

straight jacket
     shaven head
          and brows

fuchsia full lips
            ;         agape:

picture perfect painting;
wordless wordy lament;

grotesque
disillusionment.

>>

but that's just me, of course.
good read, thanks.

; )
 — fractalcore

or maybe this for the last four lines:

>>
...

wordless wordy lament;
picture perfect painting;

grotesque

disillusionment.

>>

: )
 — fractalcore

Fract, wow, I am flattered.. i think this is the first time you've commented on my poem, so really, thanks for the ten.

I'm incorporating your suggestions here, and I'm going to make the changes now.

Tnx.
 — unknown

I changed and reorganized the words, thanks to fract,
although, the line breaks are just, I think, more my style, so I left it be.

And by the way, the first two lines of this poem, was inspired by a comment, I think by Stucktine on "I will not write you a love poem."
 — unknown

pleasure is mine, sir/madam.

but let me just state my reasons for the line
breaks, format and word order in my rendition
of your piece:

i think yours reads a bit too fast for me like a
prose piece does and being such, you risk
images like "electric chair", "final supper",
"wardrobe change", etc. of being forgotten
all too quickly. the line breaks and punctuation
allow for the sheer moment and pleasure of
envisioning or imaging them by and in the
reader a while longer -- not at all served in
a platter, of course, for it would also require
them to connect the dots as they read on. the
order of the words call for and predict the format
of the piece and, also, the omission of the be
verbs would render it less conversational.

that's all, i think, and yours is the final decision
anyway, and this reads well, nevertheless.

thanks for considering the suggestions earlier
and please keep writing.

: )
 — fractalcore

hmmm... you really got me thinking there... maybe, I'll try to break this up, and not just for your benefit, but maybe mine too... will first study how i'd do that though,  coz i just have never done it before...

and  by the way, I'm a miss.. thank you.
 — unknown

I'm not too convinced with the revision I've done, but i just posted it here anyway.. for comparison, I guess...
 — unknown

strange addition of legs there, miss.

i think i like your earlier version better.
: )
 — fractalcore

yeah... how bout this one.. final.

II. Mediocre Try    
    
A poem blindfolds,  
straps him on chair---  
electric, even  
without the precedent  
    
last pleasure  
final supper, and  
wardrobe change;  
    
straight jacket,
shaven head, brows,
fuchsia full lips agape  
    
in wordless wordy lament  
---painting picture perfect  
grotesque disillusionment!  
 — unknown

maybe the style
is just
not
my style

but thanks fract
for all th einputs
and suggestions
there
were
really helpful.

('=')
 — unknown

they were really helpful..
 — unknown

nah, keep the first revision in ||1-12 but
make wordy and wordless switch places.

: )
 — fractalcore

okay, ....i'll do  that, because I have thought it over,
and
well,---wordy wordless, would indeed say what i mean
which is
blabbing nonesense melodrama...
or something like that.
 — unknown

I feel like i'm going to be arrested.. err.. convicted, anytime now.
 — unknown

well, this piece is rather arresting.

keep the two versions for now and
seek second opinion when others
have read them.

wuddyathink?

: )
 — fractalcore

That I will, I did.. but so far, nobody has come to read this.. haha.
 — unknown

just






bump it, hehe.
: )
 — fractalcore

Random Poem button:


2nd is better...

I like the flow of "precedent last pleasure."

I do't like "electric, even."

Fuchsia full lips I think is too much. Maybe 2 syllables before it.

Same with wordy wordless except that I don't think it's right to use two words that similar next to each other... or ever, even.
 — aliar

i'm ignoring your comments because you're a liar
 — unknown

No I'm not ;) I'm taking my 10 and going home.
 — aliar

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