poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Moderator's Lament (and Secret Grin)
Isabelle5

Brain slit,
 1
grained and pink,
 2
mental clit -
 3
she is already blind,
 4
 
 
branded by
 5
the shopmen
 6
who try to forge her
 7
(they call it mind fucking).
 8
 
 
She is no poet virgin -
 9
her words grow ripe and crisp,
 10
apples in the snow.
 11
 
 
The foxes come to feed,
 12
snarling at her feet
 13
over scrap facts,
 14
 
 
creating who she is,
 15
vicious at her truth,
 16
which they call duplicity.
 17

5 May 09

Rated 8.7 (8.2) by 3 users.
Active (3):
Inactive (4): 3, 5, 6, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

nice tight writing, of the kind you read here when emo's actually get upset about something and write directly to the reader. it's good as word-play, not a poem, but the subject is too vague... i don't know what exactly you're angry about, and this works only as anger-flavored rationalities or rationalizations.

as a defense of the mod, it's pretty fine, though, and shows spine and that's rare here.

good writing, temporary piece but had to be written.
 — trashpoodle

humm, this is you, isabelle. well, it shows the pedigree of having written a lot of pieces. you write well when you're up against the wall. i wish you'd write this way all the time.
 — trashpoodle

I didn't feel up against any wall, people only think I am.  That's built in to the poem.  I write this way a lot, I just don't usually post them.  
 — Isabelle5

Mike, I would like to comment on your 'emo' position.  I think all poets are 'emo,' or there would be nothing to write about.  There is a huge difference between emo in the "no one loves me, I'll go eat worms!" kind of thing and taking something real, putting it into the language that most anyone can understand and grasp.

Show me an un-emo poet and I'll show you a flat writer with no soul.

Thanks for the comments.
 — Isabelle5

i think you should change brain to dress, clit to pit (because clit just is too disgusting for this site, ewww), get rid of the f*cking (that word should never be in a poem, how dare you!). line 10 should be a semi-colon, please change that. also i would like the poem more if you changed it to be about fairies, because i really don't like poems with a negative message. can you do something about the formatting of this? make it easier for the reader?
oh, by the way, there was a family of foxes that lived in the woods where i go for walks, and they would never 'come to feed', so that should be changed too.
blind people have a really hard life and i regularly volunteer my time at a homeless shelter as well.
 — chuckle_s

nah, it kunt be Izzy --

it's Isabelle5!!!

okay, that's all.
think ewe, folks.
: )
 — fractalcore

Nice to see you, Chuck, complete with your usual cloak of droll!
 — Isabelle5

'emo' is where you sit around and emit 'emo' like a kind of vapor, and it's basically a reactive and self-defining thing -- most active in myspace kind of spaces, looking pretty for the viewer. the actual need to create intensely only comes in intense moments. when you can't find your car-keys, that's an intense moment, yes, but you don't stop and write a poem about it unless it triggers the motion towards expressing the deeper and more gnawing problems on your mind... you can see this, visualize the man or woman stopping in their tracks and writing about their failure as a this or that  and how life bends into them and they seem to have no purpose -- and, not one mention of 'i can't find anything anymore', because that's a humorous verse move, and the moves are deadly serious on the poet at that moment.
 — trashpoodle

actually thats drool but whos payin any real attention
 — chuckle_s

Yep, Mike is the biggest emo here, considering that definition of vapour myspace warez ..
 — Feminoid

seems to me i'm the opposite, willing to read the poetry here and read it for the poetry part. seems to me your vapor's showing.
 — trashpoodle

i have a real comment though:

this Isa repost,




write?
; )
 — fractalcore

No, I meant droll.  I almost put a note to tell you Not Drool!  What you do in private and all that...heh
 — Isabelle5

A repost?  No.
 — Isabelle5

you should see some of the things i do with my privates i mean in pubic i mean in pube lic i mean in public
 — chuckle_s

owe
K

sow eats nut.
must bee sum other paw'em's
tittle den.

gneiss posed.
: )
 — fractalcore

drôle
 — trashpoodle

  An emotional response that has been considered and worked into an honest and brave write. I'm full of respect for the way you express this and don't give a crap about what others' think. Good on you!
 — smugzy

"seems to me i'm the opposite"


seems to me this is emo.. ergo .. you big emo ..
 — Feminoid

you're misunderstanding the term. 'emo' is a life-style accomplishment, not for everyone, and certainly not for an artist. emo is actor on a closed set, behind the bathroom door foning underwearing pictures. you're very careless, one would think, but i think you're just capable of breaking any word and making it your slave-word -- it's not like you're into etymology or anything real.
 — trashpoodle

Hmm, I think of emo as a growth step, usually the teens beginning to experience deeper love for the first time, crushes and forlorn moments that they never had to deal with before.  I don't think of it as a lifestyle, though I guess in Hollywood, it might be common.  
 — Isabelle5

A different side of your muse.  
 — unknown

My muse has no sides, she is an eternal circle, like the edges of a black hole, only in reverse!  
 — Isabelle5

it's a life-style label now, like 'beatnik'. there's a special look and special activities -- kinds of reading and things to do -- like, emo-boys kissing in public is pretty popular with girls. do a google and smile.
 — trashpoodle

You're so emo, MIke, and your ratings and crits are fakes ..
 — Feminoid

'emo' kind of ends at 17, i think. it's like 'skaterboy' ends at 14 and old guy with a skateboard starts. so, an emo kid at 18 is, like, what's wrong with him'. so, i think probably there's no such thing as an emo 63 year old. there's 63 year old poets and writers though, and that's where i'd be catagorized, for you, in your game of princess and the pea.
 — trashpoodle

Hey, no fighting on my poem!  

I do not wish to see people kissing on line! I'm sick of watching people who think that every private moment must be made public for all to see.  Yucko!
 — Isabelle5

hehe .. fair enough Isa ..

no more emo outbursts ;)
 — Feminoid

they're really cute, isabelle. it's not that sailor and his girl in times square on VJ day, but still. and, a lot of times they're just doing it on a dare. it's graphic image, you know. maybe, you'd even feel uncomfortable with them walking down the street holding hands, but that's way better than seeing them walk into a school holding AK47's. yes?
 — trashpoodle

Mike, you make it sound as if I'm homophobe, which isn't the case.  I just don't find public displays very tasteful.  I don't speak up about it when I see it, I look away.  People can do what they want, no one is compelled to watch and of course, holding hands is better than holding a gun!
 — Isabelle5

I keep trying to find something to nit pick in this, but for the life of me I can't.  I like the little "aside" of line 8 and the last three stanzas are absolutely perfect.  A great write with a great title.
 — PaulS

l1 - l4 really don't work as allusion here, even with the forced rhyme -- l8 is repetition of the idea in the first strophe which does nothing to help the poem -- a soliloquy in mainstream narcissism, really -- nothing new, nothing here that strikes a chord -- a friend of mine did a cerebral-clitoral piece in underunderstood back in the 80's that she performed with visceral flare called Mind Fucking -- "a quick kiss, a quick wit, make love to my head, do it by the book, lust library sucking sense, cerebral coitus..." etc. which she dramatized by fingering her third-eye area -- clearly superior -- you usually write with crispness and some visceral sense - so you're stretching, experimenting which I do like to see, which will ripen eventually
 — AlchemiA

Alchemia, the blind line was a private nod to aforbing, it's vital to the poem.  Aforb will instantly recognize the meaning.  I appreciate your comments.
 — Isabelle5

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