poetry critical

online poetry workshop



The Shadows Streetlights Cast
dmartin

Streetlights cast shadows,
 1
They don't enlighten any paths I may travel,
 2
At least not on this dark and weary night.
 3
In the summer heat and winter snow,
 4
I have tredged and slaved for dreams unattainable.
 5
 
 
In a world so perfect as the one you once talked about
 6
We were a work of art in your eyes,
 7
And then when I least expected it,
 8
You closed them and turned your head.
 9
Here I am now, barely able to keep my head up,
 10
Just enough to find my way home.
 11
And I'm hoping you'll be there to open the door.
 12
I'm just following the shadows, hoping they lead me there.
 13
 
 
But should I wake up tomorrow,
 14
Alone, or next to someone not you,
 15
I ask of you this:
 16
Unpaint my picture...
 17
Those splashes of colors you call art mean little.
 18
Impressionistic?
 19
I am not impressed.
 20
Open to interpretation?
 21
I interpret this as an incoherant response to heartache.
 22
 
 
And realize you miss me.
 23
You may paint something worthy of framework.
 24

22 Feb 04

Rated 10 (6.5) by 3 users.
Active (3):
Inactive (17): 1, 1, 2, 3, 3, 4, 5, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(186 more poems by this author)

(5 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Edgy and honest, especially the last 2 lines. Some unneeded words can take away from powerful images.  
 — unknown

Lines 16-17 are wonderful.
 — unknown

DAMN THIS IS GOOD. I'm an artist, so I especially like the painting refrence. This is awesome. I was captivating in awe with every line.
 — Jsmiles05

Captivated** (Sorry)
 — Jsmiles05

*reference
 — unknown

I interpret this as an incoherant response to heartache.  22

i just love that line
reminds me of what people tell me all the time
even though they' are all wrong

my heart does not ache
just turns to and from god way to much to be any kind of safe level
i say hey got
give me your best shot
destroy me and watch me grow back stonger than ever b4
because i have a magic
that brings all broken pieces together
it might make others ache for awhile
but its better than being broken
dont you think?
when i say im about to break
im saying im gonna take pieces of my own soul break them of like a kit kat bar
and heal something else

then i have to find a way to grow those pieces back
and i always turn to love
what little of it i have left
come not from the god i pissed off
but from the one i promised everything to
 — unknown

that was me by the way
in case you want to beat me up
 — kronah

This could be good. It's too cluttered. For your consideration:

Streetlights cast shadows,
shed no light across my path.
Not tonight.
I've fanned summer heat from my face,
shivered away from cracked frost. Too many times,
trudged in near dark for hopeless dreams.

You talked about a world
where we were a masterpiece.
How could I keep my head up
when you turned your head away,
like shame for our counterfeit.
I've got nothing but the shadows
leading me home with its empty hope
that you might open the door.
    
Should I wake up tomorrow,
alone,
or next to someone who is not you --

Unpaint my picture...
Your splashes of color mean little.
Impressionistic?
I am not impressed.
Interpretative?
I interpret them as incoherent response to heartache.

You may miss me,
and  paint something worthy of framework.

Further notes: this was too "tell" instead of show - I've suggested a few ways here and there to illustrate. You begin with the streetlamp metaphor for your despair - and work with the art for deceit. I would lose the shadow/light stuff - it's overused. The art -- now that's great stuff. Try writing this again with that in mind.

-- ka
 — ka

This poem needs real splashes of color. Not to be obtusely metaphoric, but this is a watercolor right now, a decent watercolor, something you'd find hanging in a cafe gathering nicotine film and dust, but if you try using a thicker brush, put some texture in the paint, sculpt something in the thickness of the oils, it might make it to a bed and breakfast bedroom.
 — dweasel

It pulled at my heart strings - Bravo!
 — unknown

wow.... i read this already, but second time around, it was.... still great. wow... i had to comment this time. but not much to say, except great.
 — AEOS

Line 5 should be "unattainable"
 — Jsmiles05

really really good liked it alot good job
 — unknown

This is excellent, I think I can totally relate to this poem. I think it is perfect the way it is, although there are a few good suggestions in the comments below.
 — heatherS

Doesn't flow well- interesting- what your trying to do is great... words I think need a little changing.
 — atzmere7

Confucious says: "you are pathetic"
 — unknown

I don't like how you imply the only thing she might paint worthy of framework would be something inspired by missing you... hah. I suppose as an artist whos paintings often mean a lot to her this just offends me.
 — Cloudless

Very nice. Favorite.

I love the pun in line two.

Whoever wrote this, very nice.
 — Opinion

l6 - omg i love it
 — puddles

good.
 — listen

0.479s