poetry critical

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In the name of the father...
Tarp image says you're not
ashen skinned,
straight- lipped like this
woman lying here in
perpetual quarter grin.
..and of the son...
That box couldn't have
framed a more morose
morbid looking
mortuary mannequin
ever seen.
...and of the spirit...
May we all
be fixed up better--
(right tone of liquid base,
blush-on, lip gloss/shimmer)
when the inevitable comes for us
in the distant future.

10 May 09

Rated 10 (7.2) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10
Inactive (5): 1, 1, 2, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)

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nice 'nine's, and sort of tight. maybe i could have been stretched a couple of more syllables a couple of times, to make it seem easier said, but it's nice that it only says this and doesn't try to get philosophic on the material.

one formal thing, is that you've got the two kick-off's at the top of the first two stanzas, and the 'my prayer's' in that same space and we see it as in that same mode, when it's actually being said in another dimension. one solution that writer's have used is to simply double hyphen 'my prayer's..." after "i've ever seen", to make it seem like this was the over-thought, the cover, of what it was you were getting down to.
 — trashpoodle

trash.. thanks for the crit.. I've made changes.. what do you think?

and by the way,  I just would like to share that this is an honest reaction to an experience I had just today --- going to a wake.
 — unknown

thank you for the ten. Wow.
 — unknown

i still am reacting to this being set in the same voice -- when, i think that it's really, when we write, that we're conscious of the reader but also conscious of how we're thinking the poem out. and, the reader knows this -- knows that there's an author behind it and  that they're not reading a notice on a wall.

what i think is that it still feels artificial, but not imitative of the artificiality of the funeral decor -- that the final stanza should be a dropping of the mask, an aside to us. and the colon only reinforces that idea on me, that you're locked into reaction from the scene, into the event and haven't enough distance on it.
 — trashpoodle

Poetry a mediation between everyday reality and us... L. F. Ferlinghetti... May I be fixed up better L/17... may i be fixed up better say's  j. g. smiles
 — goeszon

thanks goezon.. may we all be fixed up better, So be it.

trash.. how do you suggest shall i fix this up? i mean, like, give me a concrete example on how i may re-word or re-organize here so that i can put the necessary distance, as you say.
Thank you.
 — unknown

how 'bout this?
 — unknown

well, ok, that's the 'hyphen' thing...

mortuary mannequin
ever seen.
            ;    — may we
            ;    be fixed up better —
            ;    ( liquid...
 — trashpoodle

without the formatting semi-colons though! it's an artifact of spacing in the comment box.
 — trashpoodle

I think this is done.
Thank you trashpoodle... you're in my prayers. ('<*)
 — unknown

--- my funeral beauty parlor prayers.
 — unknown

Anybody else?
 — unknown


: )
 — fractalcore

hmm=ten?? wow! Tnx
 — unknown

and a 1.
may i know how this has deserved a 1?
 — unknown

who knows. someone might have thought this was by me or that i favored it. but, there's only three, and two of us gave you tens. you don't have to do anything wrong to get a 'one'. it's the only power some people have here over you, and they need to express power over something.

 — trashpoodle

anyway, I think ratings don't really matter if they don't come along with comment, constructive, and even otherwise.

I just feel like we always have to justify.

Thank you trash.
 — unknown

anybody else feeling prayerful?
 — unknown

this is pretty good-
I must've missed this somehow
I like how you've crafted and structured
the dismal affair
nICE lee dunn...
 — JKWeb

Actually, I like this even more upon 2nd read...
 — JKWeb

JK, I am most flattered. I feel this particular piece is just funny, and nothing more... so thanks for faving. Can you see ow this seems to be related to your poem?
 — unknown

I do see the correlation
do you mean funny ha ha
or funny weird?
because I read it in a literal sense...
 — JKWeb

if this was a movie, this would belong to the dark comedy genre--much like your poem, so i guess, funny weird... like, on a regular "NORMAL' line of thinking, could we still think of how we are "made-up" inside the coffin? I don't think so.
 — majan

there is a Funeral Home near-by called 'Outside the Box' with a plethora of Death-Cetera paraphernalia to die for --

  ghost-words linger in the end, as we move toward eternities bend, lost in the details of our march in time, impressions twinkling in our liquid last eyes, we see the numinous is always moving-us, willing us to rise -- Yet, fragile as we are, I've heard it said, that on our bed of death, it's not the things we've done that we regret, no, it's those we feared do, that has left us wanting, wailing at our last breath ... nice write
 — AlchemiA

Alchemia, I am always honored to see your name among the crits. And may I say, your comments are always almost like poems themselves-- amazing write!

Thank you for taking the time. 'wish i can visit that out-of-the-box-shop, so i can shop now what what i'll wear for later... hehe.
 — unknown

I read this again just now and it brought to mind a Tim Burton film.  Still diggin it.
 — JKWeb

Del "for us/in the distant future." L20-21. Del "ever seen." L14. I don't get "tarp" in this context.
 — NicMichaels

tarp is short for tarpaulin.. the dead person is prettier on the tarp, not at all looking like the one inside the coffin...thanks for reading
 — majan

oohh love the acid in this...the title was an instant allure...great social commentary
 — Ansel

Thank you lots, Ansel. I appreciate that you think this is "acidic" --- that's just so sweet of you, again thanks.
 — majan