poetry critical

online poetry workshop

{to turn the river black}

listlessly ill sing for you
the whisperings of music.
unsure lyrics fluttered out
quickly silenced
                  stuttered doubt.
                  there was a time when sweet words blew
                  across the tops
                  of crescent waves.
                  and wrapped around me
                  flowing grace
                  encompassed hope
                  in sweet embrace.
decidedly i picked a flower
determined to drown it in the sea.
but all i found, forgotten river.
forced to settle
                weakened plea.
                and as it seems
                the water wept
                for petals plucked in disarray.
                i thought a while, if perhaps,
                it should be my life
                                   tossed away.
tribulations and sterile rooms.
i found myself regretting you.
at which point tears collapsed in shame
and turned the river
                black again.
                and now i know
                the sun is weak
                and darkened clouds drag weary feet
                past unmarked headstones.
                bleary eyes and tired skin
                i bow my head,
                'we'll meet
i long to trace your every curve
but kiss first lips, i wont deserve          
for now, I pray, the night my last
this deathbed flower's
                               time is past.

12 May 09

Rated 7 (8.1) by 3 users.
Active (3): 1, 10
Inactive (24): 1, 1, 3, 3, 4, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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well it at least has a pleasant metric. but the too personal tone and some personification issues push me away from enjoying this on any deeper level.
 — unknown

unknown could you offer me some help on this? where could i work on the personification to make it fit right?
 — silentspring

we are now supposed to take specific poem discussions to the messageboard, so i have been informed. this is to preserve the level of respect this site enjoys.
 — unknown

nice poem, by the way.
 — unknown

very smooth metric 'n metaphors running through this poem rushing to the sea and the murmurs 'n undertones of you, personally, give this the edge like the foam caked wave reaching on the beach of me, the reader -- the personal makes it personal and invites the reader into the intimacy of the poems intent, well meant -- very smooth write silentspring
 — AlchemiA

 — silentspring

The images in this are so good that I can feel them, smell them, and taste them.  Excellent to say the least.
 — unknown

hmmm, someone is giving you the one slam -- welcome to the club -- it means you've effectively made someone squeal at your poem in a jealous rage of why they could not think/feel like that, its their fear really, fear of getting out o their dead-ends, fear of feeling with their hearts; a sort of leprosy where all the courage of the heart falls off in black rotting bits over the years until there's no heart left at all -- nevertheless it's still a good poem
 — AlchemiA

is a 1 the sign you have 'arrived' as a poet on PC? :)

this poems maintains a very personal voice all the way through, which can be a little distracting, as we try to vocalise this through your emotions here.. it works in places, and doesn't in others ..

the pattern of rhyme isn't forced, which helps this run through your thoughts, and onto the page ..
 — Feminoid

thank you all. ratings dont matter to me so much i just want honest feedback so i know what works and what doesnt. im pleasantly pleased with this piece however not a big fan of rhyming.

anyone else have any comments to assist me?
 — silentspring

maybe on line 41, change "the" to "this"?
 — Cerfazo

Please immediately change ill (line 1) to I'll!  Totally different read if you keep it as ill, not in a good way.

Other than that, I find this to be honest, simple, beautiful and haunting.  I am interested in why I never saw it before.
 — Isabelle5

its a bit stilted

specially the end?

enjoyed otherwise
 — unknown

line 1:  come on... where's the apostrophe??
I'm thinking, "Why are you "ILL" (you left it out)
I say, "Oh, she means the contraction for I will"...
The average reader is going to stumble on this and not make the mental correction for you.  They will be distracted and give up on your poem in the first stanza.  Please fix this.  ~forbster
 — aforbing

This is very beautiful and really quite touching. I would be oh so proud of myself if I  had written this ;)
 — darklinstorm

Ill or I'll?
 — muherrera

lines 6-12 and 18-23...stunning.
 — sweetmisery

I apologize, I am a bit rushed for time, but have been looking at this poem over the last several days trying to find the best criticism I could without going into a full blown discussion. So, I've narrowed it down to the opening line. The last tjing anyone wants to have done for them is to be sung to listlessly at the very beginning of a poem.I look at as a first line or image that get's presented as the first impression you get to give your reader. If that is what you offer me even if I want to read the poem after that it still clouds my juydgement-I'm skeptical and afraid. If you want to let me know how bad you feel, make me feel it. Commuinicate with artifice of which words are only the building blocks to the foundation. You need to put windows and doors in the house, oriental carpets bought from Azmihir in Morroco-put a Picasso on the wall, tell me about how you bought the rug with someone but they are not there (but don't tell me that) Tell me that the rug is just not right for the house any longer. Be poetic, not prosaic. I fight it all the time in my poetry. I would scrap the poem, and start over. If you want to be an artist, be artistic.
 — annotating

 — unknown

artistic and poetic
 — unknown

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 — unknown