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Mourning Routine ( with version 2 by frctlcr)
majan

Singing love songs to himself
 1
from seven until eight,
 2
breakfast and coffee at nine,
 3
at ten a.m., a book,
 4
at eleven, a run, and
 5
at twelve, a bit of lunch.
 6
 
 
His Morning is, then, done.
 7
 
 
His Afternoons are hours
 8
similarly meaningless and
 9
void but of efforts to escape,
 10
while Evenings are defeats---
 11
the weakest point of day,
 12
it is when he can't be saved;
 13
 
 
when he surrenders,
 14
when he settles with just memories
 15
of her eyes, her voice, her scent;
 16
it is when he can't fight suffering,
 17
knowing, in the silence of midnights,
 18
he'll never hold her again.
 19
 
 
 
 
Version by fractalcore
 20
 
 
Singing love,
 21
sings to himself
 22
from seven till eight,
 23
 
 
breakfast,
 24
and coffee at nine,
 25
a book at ten,
 26
an 11am run,
 27
 
 
lunch at 12 and
 28
his morning's done;
 29
 
 
afternoons are hours
 30
as meaningless
 31
and void
 32
'cept for efforts
 33
of escape,
 34
 
 
while evenings are defeats:
 35
 
 
the weakest point of day
 36
when he settles,
 37
 
 
surrenders
 38
to memories
 39
of voice,
 40
scent,
 41
eyes,
 42
 
 
phantom arms holding
 43
her
 44
through yet another
 45
midnight.
 46



for Uncle Rudy

16 May 09

Rated 9.5 (9.5) by 2 users.
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Comments:

My uncle just lost his wife, and I try to visit him everyday to check how he is doing. My other uncle who lives with him told me it is his routine to sings when he wakes up, to show that he is okay, but one can obviously tell by his puffy eyes that he had been crying in the night.
 — majan

would it be more fitting if i change the title to just " Mourning"?
 — majan

changed the title..
 — majan

Hi majan, I think I preferred the original title. Can you remind me of it?

Line 10 I think the 'but' is superfluous.
Line13 I don't think you need 'it is'.
Line 16 I don't know why, but I find 'pout' a little off-putting - something I associate more with a child perhaps?
Lines 18-19 beautiful

In your comment, you mention your uncle singing in the mornings - that might have more impact than the "love songs on the videoke" which doesn't reveal as much about your uncle as the singing.
 — smugzy

It was Mourning Routine.. okay, if anybody else says, this title is better, I'll change it back.

My uncle actually sang songs with the videoke.. so how do i say that?
I'll see about your other suggestions, I think i'll use them.

Thank you smugzy.. it's been a long time.
 — majan

I think I prefer Mourning Routine myself. Could you have a look at my new one, Brothers (A True Story)? I just posted it - would appreciate your thoughts.
 — smugzy

HOw this smuz?
I did not remove the "but" on line 10, as I meant to say that the afternoons are filled with no activity except for all efforts to escape the loneliness.

so, i think, the but, there, is needed. Don't you? still?

As with the title, I feel like Routine is too casual a word for such a sad themed poem.. but as I said, if anybody else, would think it better, then maybe I'll change it back. It was my first choice, anyway.

Thank you, and yes, I'll ready your new poem now.
 — majan

sorry for all the typos on the comment... it's past eleven pm where I am now. My fingers must be sleepy, lol!
 — majan

Yes, I understand why the "but" is there now - not sure you couldn't express that thought a bit more smoothly though.

I don't think "Routine"  detracts from the sad tone - it is sad to be bound by a routine that is the only way you can get through the day. I think it expresses very clearly the content of the poem. Just my opinion.
 — smugzy

ohh. i see your point with the title. Umm.. i'm 95% convinced. just another call, and mourning routine would be back. Okay? :-)

i'm  thinking about the but.
but,
i think
i really should be sleeping now, it's very late,
and i can't think straight,
anymore.

I'll get back to this tomorrow. and to your poem to0.

Thank you smugz.
umm.. i'm just wandering.. can we be friends even off this site?
 — majan

Email me. :-)
 — smugzy

good morning world.

anybody who thinks Mourning Routine is a better title?
 — majan

nobody else has come to comment, but I'm changing the title anyway...
 — majan

majan, I think the title works fine for this and I think you have captured the anguish of his day quite well--how it starts with a modicum of strength that unravels hour to hour.  One small thing:  I would move "of midnights" up to line 18 just to smooth it out .  Nice write
 — PaulS

that I will do, Sir Paul. Thank you for dropping by.
 — majan

majan, please just call me Paul, I'm no better than you.
 — PaulS

Yes you are... but, as you wish, Paul.
 — majan

hmm...


Singing love,
sings to himself
from seven till eight,

breakfast,
and coffee at nine,
a book at ten,
an 11am run,

lunch at 12 and
his morning's done;

afternoons are hours
as meaningless
and void
'cept for efforts
of escape,

while evenings are defeats:

the weakest point of day
when he settles,

surrenders
to memories
of voice,
scent,
eyes,

phantom arms holding
her
through yet another
midnight.


or something like that.
sorry, i couldn't stop myself.
; )
 — fractalcore

I actually really love your arrangement-- your version.

Umm.. I think, I'm going to post it as a version 2.. like I did on my other poems.

Thank you fract.
 — majan

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