poetry critical

online poetry workshop



hyPoeCritical (v1 and 2)
majan

v.2 . version inspired by chuckle_s
 1
 
 
 
 
Check your grammar!
 2
Use their, not there!
 3
(Gee, it should be they're.)
 4
And your spelling---
 5
was that roles for rolls?
 6
Worst for worse?
 7
I'm blind,
 8
but I see your good writing,
 9
my bad.
 10
Thanks to me?
 11
Oh, but why?
 12
Really, there's no need
 13
to mention this hyPoeCritique...
 14
anyway,
 15
she's busy at the moment,
 16
smearing tomatoes on her face!
 17
 
 
 
 
===================
 18
v1.
 19
 
 
To have told you
 20
that you
 21
should use their instead of there
 22
when you
 23
actually should have used
 24
they're;
 25
to have not noticed that you
 26
used roles instead of rolls
 27
and worst instead of worse,
 28
then commending you
 29
for such good writing; and
 30
for you
 31
to have thanked me so,
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to as much as having
 33
mentioned my name
 34
on the introduction
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of your poem, and
 36
me sheepishly feeling flattered
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about it all
 38
is what I'd call
 39
hyPoeCritical
 40
and downright embarrassing!
 41


Dedicated to     hyPoeCritic,et.Al.


written on a whim, after I read how I gave a lot of miscrits.. geee.....
version 2, too, was written on a whim, after (obviously) chuckle_s' comments.

18 May 09

Rated 10 (6.3) by 3 users.
Active (3):
Inactive (6): 1, 1, 1, 4, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(168 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

watt dash dis meen?
eye daunt end-her-stand.

: )
 — fractalcore

it's mostly, what you're commenting on, just some attempt to at least say something, and this is only a workshop and not the last stage of the poetry idol competition.

but, this poem -- i comes off like a hitomaro haiku that's been soaked in still waters for a while -- it's got that fixed and focused feeling, but it's got so much to say that it has to end with some clincher line, and this one ends kind of embarrassing, given all the energy you put into reacting to what you're reacting too. if it's not a dialog here between poets, and an open and honest one, where we can talk about how we failed the write as much as how we made some words work -- it's it's not that kind of dialog then it's just 'wear my poetry hat to the coffee house', and you know what those moments are like.
 — trashpoodle

a feigning to be what one is not... Franklin... down right problems with option, your so right, mention my name... this is correct in all it's facilities
i have walk in your tennis shoes many times, unable to resist the temptation to over regard a simple plot, to fluff the feather's of those unknown... j.g. smiles... i  enjoyed this immensely... with all my senses...
 — goeszon

Guys, thank you for the 10s. And fract, wow, you seem to be making it a habit of faving my pieces. Thanks.

This is dedicated to everyone who at one point or another gave wrong suggestions--- we know who we are :-)
 — majan

trash, let me be honest and tell you that I got lost amidst all your words. Can I just ask: are you saying that this poem is bad? good? good enough? not quite great but getting there?

thank you, always, for dropping by.
 — majan

thank you for the 9, but dear unknown, may I know why?
 — majan

anybody feeling hyPoeCritical today?
 — majan

why not use this as an exercise mat? your style, in this, is very bland, and i think maybe it might serve to spice it up a little, just for the fun of writing.
look at your first line:

To have told you

why not fart around with each line a little bit, twist some of the words, add some modifiers, employ some crazy-sounding nouns and verbs?

To have exploded in an oratory jubilation

maybe that's a little over the top, but i think it illustrates my point: stick your hand into that bucket of words and start slopping them onto the wall. this is obviously not a serious piece anyway, right?
some kind of showing images might be a good way to flex your writing muscle, as well. look at the last line:

and downright embarassing!

why not use this opportunity to supply me with a picture of embarassing, rather than just simply saying "embarassing"? this is "showing", rather than "telling", and can be an effective means of taking your poem from the mundane, to the interesting, and requires much more creativity.  

and then I smeared my face with a tomato!

see what i am getting at? i like your title, by the way, but it would have been nice were some mention made about "beneath the surface", or "less than normal". have fun!
 — chuckle_s

chuckle_s, thank you, oh so much, for reading my poem so well as to leave such a profound comment.

This was written as simply as it is because I want to come out as though I am just commenting on a poem ( but not like the way I commented on your duck poem) and getting , well, embarrassed, in the end...
but yeah, maybe, I'll dress it up a bit, ...later.

Thank you for dropping by.

TCooks, thanks a lot for faving.
 — majan

chuckle, chuckle, chuckle... I didn't want to touch the original poem as some guys liked it as it is, giving it good rating and all...

so, I made a version just for you. Do you like it better? No?

Enlighten me.
 — majan

v2 is much better!
 — AlchemiA

Thanks Alch... then, I dedicate the version to you too, and the rest who'll be liking it.
:-)
 — majan

I've switched version 1 and 2...

I think i'm beginning to like the 2nd version better too.
 — majan

Another 10, wow, thank you guys.
 — majan

well, if nothing else, at least there's a verve a-swerve through your new version.
never a bad thing to be emphatic, in my opinion!
 — chuckle_s

majan dear,

i checked my fave list and was surprised to
find only one of yours in there; truth is, that
list is my to-crit-when-i-have-the time list and
you can tell by its volume that i'm a big fan of
the poet called procrastinator. he's a really big
hit here and also a very hypoopcritical dude.

i bet you'll like him.

; )
 — fractalcore

Fract, so the faving doesn't really mean you like the poems.. oh.. that's okay, at least you wanted to go back to it to make your comment. Thank you still.

Chuckie!!!

Hey, I know it's not the greatest poem ever written, but thanks to you, I got three tens in a row for the second version.

Always happy to have you say what you think of my poems-- good, or bad.
 — majan

fract.. if I remember it right, you faved " a poetaster convicted of mediocrity," funeral-beauty-parlor-prayer", and this one.

I look forward to your comments on the two other poems.
Thanks.
 — majan

fract, now i know why you can't see my poems.. i have posted it as unknown (another tomato smearing stunt for me).
 — majan

i like the way the 2 versions are distinctly different in tone, but manage to convey the same message. good line breaks in the original.
 — unknown

Thank you unknown. I think, version 1 does read more smoothly, although, i have been convinced that version two is more upbeat. again, thank you for dropping a line.
 — majan

good and bad are words

not numbers
 — chuckle_s

hi again.

so you're the lady unk with sparks of greatness.
well, i'm not only a procrastinator but also a big
hit-and-run guy and that doesn't necessarily mean
i don't like the poems i fave. the matter at hand had
already received the proper crits it deserved ( check
mike's and arnold's comments ).

if i were to lay my own poop here though, i'd say your
first draft has more focus than the second and your
wording had to be done in such a way to achieve that;
or, inversely, your kind of wording created that kind of
emotional appeal on the reader, running the risk of
sounding "bland" with respect to our consistently
fantastic chuckle_s.

your second version took on another voice and approach
and is a variation that works in a different way. it'd be
nice to see a third, or fourth draft, and so on...

: )
 — fractalcore

CHuck, yeah, I know they are --- words, hence, in a previous comment I made (on probably another poem) I said rating, either 1 or ten don't matter to me unless they come with comments...

and fract, I'll see about that other versions you said... maybe I can do them, maybe you can.. reader.

anyway, thank you to you both for revisiting this most weirdly unlikely high-rated poem of mine.
 — majan

by the way.. who's mike ( trashp?) and who's arnold here? Sorry, I know you guys only by your user name.
 — majan

another 1.. hmmm.. well, sure would love to hear why.
 — majan

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