poetry critical

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Dance with the Veils of Thought
unknown

Words slip n' slide, peek n' hide,
 1
coyly tease behind veil of thought.
 2
Erudite lure, brazenly dangled
 3
--sybaritic siren song of pulchritudinous promise.
 4
 
 
But for all our reachings and grabbings,
 5
fickle lexicon oft recants its linguistic offerings.
 6
The sublime and sensual pleasures
 7
we imagine conquered fail to find fruition.
 8
Impotent and flaccid,
 9
best lines degenerate to amateur fumblings.
 10
The muse's bow is shooting blanks.
 11
 
 
But sometimes
 12
--sometimes motion and timing coalesce
 13
and we fair dance upon the paper in hedonistic abandon.
 14
Witness the choreography of the poet
 15
--executed to perfection.
 16
 
 
The words,
 17
Oh!, the words!
 18
When coupled in righteousness,
 19
trip the light.
 20
 
 
Fantastic!
 21

24 May 09

Rated 10 (9.3) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (4): 9, 9, 9, 10, 10

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Comments:

AlchemiAc in tone.
: )
 — fractalcore

I will take that as a compliment--thank you.
 — unknown

it flourishes and writhes and arouses itself across the page .. in spoken word.. this needs the exclamation at the end!

enjoyed reading and speaking  this ..
 — Feminoid

Feminoid--

Thank you for the read and the encouraging, positive comment.
 — unknown

Would very much appreciate some additional feedback on this piece--thanks in advance.
 — unknown

Tripping - off the page, off the tongue, Oh the words!  This is fun but it's also quite ripe with thought-fruits, truth told from experience.

I love the imaginative phrases, the adult sounds, humor in white sneaks below the crisply creased polite words.  
 — Isabelle5

Okay, to the business of writing.  You might need a comma end of line 1, so that line 2 is not just a phrase without a subject.  You might consider no having And in line 17 - other than those two things, nothing to change that would add to this in any way.  
 — Isabelle5

--Isabelle5

Thanks so much for your your thoughtful comment.  I've made the changes you suggested and believe this to be the better for it.

--Gratitude
 — unknown

..... :)
 — unknown

psst - who are you?  
 — Isabelle5

Hey Isabelle, it's me!  Hmmm...not sure why I posted this as unk....too long ago to remember now!  
 — sybarite

Excellent poem . Well told
 — cassell

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