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Noise Annoys
cubbzor

I cannot watch a Newscast without escaping common themes
 1
shoot-outs, kidnappings, cartel violence, innocent screams
 2
this jigsaw aligns itself, piece by piece
 3
but the final image, complete thought
 4
is not sure domestic peace
 5
 
 
Deducing National Analysis, Rational Hypothesis
 6
this time, we are spinning the downwards spiral
 7
man inflicts his own wounds but blames the sky
 8
blames his neighbors
 9
blames the rye
 10
he grows through paranoia, and saves
 11
stocks for the apocalypse
 12
"The police won't defend me", he claims
 13
He sprays down those who curse his name
 14
Self-ruling anarchy put to the test
 15
he pleads the second we plead for rest
 16
 
 
We are all stretched
 17
the dollar isn't as flexible as it used to be
 18
but that should not be the justification of this path
 19
desperate souls cite desperate times
 20
and leave out one important note:
 21
our fathers did not battle a global recession
 22
while checking their Facebook page
 23
 
 
Cut-the-phone-lines
 24
he took away our fiber-optics in protest of superiors
 25
but this act of revenge just proved to be inferior
 26
Ok, jokes over, let me call my Grandma
 27
I want to ask her about her day
 28
I want to share what my surroundings took away
 29
I want to hear her voice another time
 30
you call this act martyrdom, I call it a crime
 31
His revenge, health, and future may have been compromised
 32
but he cut the phone lines, and somebody's Grandmother died.
 33
 
 
To get over this loss, you straighten your own line
 34
on mirrors
 35
snorting coke, smoking crack, burning snuff
 36
this altered mindset fuels you now
 37
and inspires you to sit down
 38
and enjoy.
 39
 
 
Hell, "noise annoys"
 40
 
 
and I blame society because
 41
society cannot defend itself.
 42

2 Jun 09

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Comments:

If I were to label this, it would be 'street wise' poetry.  It's written very well and has a nice flow...
~Nicely Done~
 — JKWeb

thanks, I think I am getting into a nice heavy-text rhythm
 — cubbzor

One thing that I forgot to mention in my initial comment...I feel that you don't need the footnote at the conclusion as you've said it all within the poem...
 — JKWeb

i like this poem a lot, Cubbzor. you carried this out all the way through. i think that lines twenty-eight through thirty are innocently worded, with the "I" in the front and the actual wording itself ... doesn't read like a list. don't quite know how to explain it ... do you know what i mean, though?

anyway, great words of wit, like the popular culture references. made this feel current and satirical, which was of course the point. my only suggestion is either deleting the footnote, as it can be implied, or integrating it into the poem. either choice if you decide to choose one is questionable, but the footnote almost distracts ... but i still like the footnote itself, and yet, asking you to delete it?

just seems suggested, i suppose. your view of things is very nice to read, though.

favorite.
 — listen

also, nice use of speech with line thirteen.
 — listen

Thank you very much for that advice listen, I'm still thinking of ways to change L28-30. I deleted the footnote and wrote something similar to it at the very end. Does that look better?
 — cubbzor

it does look better, yes. though i won't deny i would like to see you insert "and" before "I" on line forty-one, making the very last two stanzas connected:

Hell, "noise annoys"

and I blame society because
society cannot defend itself.

optional, of course. but good change, as is.

and, great poem.
 — listen

your suggestion is my correction. Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it
 — cubbzor

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