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aWake
cebukitty

Edited:
 1
 
 
a plaintive song
 2
ripples evening,
 3
and stars fall:
 4
bitter brine.
 5
 
 
without you I shatter,
 6
jigsaw pieces edging
 7
towards oblivion.
 8
 
 
bereft, I twine
 9
longing into thread,
 10
weaving a net
 11
for forgotten dreams.
 12
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Original:
 13
 
 
I cast my mind into the night:
 14
 
 
a plaintive song ripples
 15
evening; in its wake
 16
stars fall, bitter brine.
 17
 
 
...incomplete...
 18
 
 
without you I shatter,
 19
jigsaw pieces edging
 20
towards oblivion.
 21
 
 
thus, I twine longing into
 22
thread, weaving nets
 23
for forgotten dreams
 24

7 Jun 09

Rated 9.5 (9.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (0): 10

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Comments:

hmm...brittle brine...
very nice image.
stars fall like salt, hehe.

i think the absence of |5
and 'thus' in |9 would make
this tighter.

would be nice to see the
whole thing where you
excised this fragment.

: )
 — fractalcore

hmm...yeah!   thanks for the great ideas! :)


I cast my mind into the night:

a plaintive song ripples
evening; in its wake
stars fall, bitter brine.

without you I shatter,
jigsaw pieces edging
towards oblivion.

I twine longing into
thread, weaving nets
to catch elusive dreams.
 — cebukitty

i just can't get L11 right *sigh*
 — cebukitty

'for forgotten dreams' works better for
me maybe bacause i have a penchant
for the freakin' "f" sound, hehe;

'to catch elusive dreams' sounds way
too cliche but it's just me.

: )
 — fractalcore

"aWake"

a plaintive song
ripples evening,
and stars fall:
bitter brine.

without you I shatter,
jigsaw pieces edging
towards oblivion.

bereft, I twine
longing into thread,
weaving a net
for dreams.
 — cebukitty

"broken dreams" ?
 — unknown

wow unknown...broken dreams does seem to fit!  many thanks!  lemme try that out :)

"aWake"

a plaintive song
ripples evening,
and stars fall:
bitter brine.

without you I shatter,
jigsaw pieces edging
towards oblivion.

bereft, I twine
longing into thread,
weaving a net
for broken dreams.
 — cebukitty

Wow! The edited version is much tighter. I love it.
 — smugzy

I like 'em both...though I think I like the 'original' just a tad more.  I think I like 'for forgotten dreams' better than 'for broken dreams'.  Could be just me...either way, nicely done...
 — JKWeb

thanks for the suggestions fractalcore and JKweb :)  a fellow poet's insight is always appreciated :)
 — cebukitty

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