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storm (revised)
nemissk8

(Revision)
 1
Clouds roam the skies above
 2
And flood the heavens
 3
With a daunting opacity
 4
 
 
The shrill
 5
Of scolding thunder
 6
Ruptures the membrane
 7
Of a volatile peace
 8
 
 
Revealing
 9
The humility of the townsfolk
 10
Who fear the rain
 11
And the wetness it brings
 12
 
 
 
 
(Original)
 13
Ominous clouds roam the skies above
 14
Shouting claps of thunder that
 15
Rupture the membrane of silence and
 16
Inspire fleeting scurries amidst the townsfolk
 17
Who fear the rain as if
 18
It carried with it
 19
Impending doom
 20

10 Jun 09

Rated 8 (8.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (2): 7, 10

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(26 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

I like this short poem though I'm not crazy about the title...
 — JKWeb

i hear ya. im current working on replacing it
 — unknown

i agree with JK-

this is a decent poem but the title is weak compared to the rest.
 — unknown

why not just title it 'storm'.

the poem is ok, it's not anything fresh or new, really.

'shouting claps' isn't really working for me,
neither is 'fleeting scurries'.  

'the membrane' would work if the following line had something at all to do with membranes or silence, because i think townsfolk pretty much scurry about as it is, without needing some dark inspiration.  maybe work on the midsection a little, make it a little more unique about storms.
 — jenakajoffer

definitely agree with the title-storm seems to best represent this concise piece. will reconsider the midsection
 — unknown

it's too verbose.

'roam' is an ominous word in itself.
'claps of thunder' - erm, thunderclaps - could be more original.
the pause created at the end of line two isn't sitting well with me.
'rupture' is a colorful word on its own, making painful thoughts emerge, but here it's too predictable.
and 'inspire' just doesn't seem to work.
i'm not sure about the poems circular track from ominous to impending doom.

here's mine:


roaming the skies above
clouds shout
thunderous waves burst the silent film [a double meaning, here invoking feelings of nostalgia and irony]

people run to flee the rain
into doorways and under awnings
the storm comes deeper still.



you're trying too hard to get your point across.
let it go.
 — 1994

i hear what your saying, for a short poem it is a bit weighty. i shall revise...
 — nemissk8

:( it's better
but i fear you're still trying too hard.

i have a challenge for you.
the next poem you write (not a revision of an original)
write it without adjectives or adverbs.
try it :)
 — 1994

oooof. rob me of my beloved adjectives. shall be tough, but i will try. i like where you are going with that. thanks for the advice.
 — nemissk8

well 'vigorous writing is concise'
that goes for everything :)
 — 1994

ill drink to that. thanks again for the advice/wisdom 1994
 — nemissk8

I'll accept the thanks when you use the advice ;)
 — 1994

Thanks for including the original version as it helps to see where your thoughts started. Saying that, "wetness" needs to be a much more powerful and meaningful word. It's just way to obvious and doesn't at all fit with your original intent...something like "foreboding" might bring the poem together a bit better.  I really like this stanza otherwise - "Revealing the humility of the townsfolk" is great and leads into the idea that these simple folk might be responsible for the turn in the weather.
The only other comment is the use of the work "shrill" - I just don't get any sense of shrill from thunder - ever.
Nice revision!
 — Cocoa

your revision embarrasses your original.

the poem itself is dazzling. lines seven through eight are very creative and effective lines.

i would delete the original as fast as you can. it's like having a sore on an otherwise flawless piece of flesh.
 — listen

haha. i hear ya. i definitely agree, just left it up to show what i hoped to be an improvement.
 — nemissk8

now it's just time to ditch 'revised' from your title  :)
 — jenakajoffer

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