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Five Minutes Late
cubbzor

His five o’clock shadow came five minutes late
 1
that's four minutes longer than he'd usually wait
 2
three minutes more than three minutes before
 3
two more minutes tying the tie he wore
 4
one minute more than one minute fast
 5
until that commuter bus hit him
 6
tires screeching past
 7
 
 
five minutes left in the world passing through
 8
four minutes less to reflect what he knew
 9
three minutes to watch that light at the tunnel
 10
two minutes clawing back to deny the struggle
 11
one minute left, he was only five minutes late
 12
until he was on the operating table
 13
accepting his fate
 14

10 Jun 09

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Comments:

This is an interesting poem and a cool idea but line 2 seems a bit odd to me...

You might try... 'that's four minutes longer than he'd usually wait'...  also, could you get away with taking 'on' out of line 9?

otherwise, not bad...
 — JKWeb

yeah Line two seemed awkward when I wrote it, I couldn't find a better way to put it, so thanks for that Web, I edited it.
 — cubbzor

Ahhh-

Much better cub...
 — JKWeb

Interesting premise - and the twist in the second stanza did catch me by surprise.
Two places where the cadence throws me off: L12 & 13 (When I read it outloud, it feels like too many syllables).
L10 - have you considered "watch" instead of see. Seeing is immediate, you either see it or not, watching could take the three minutes.
Good effort.
 — Cocoa

I changed the "see" to "watch", thanks for that suggestion. With L12-13, do you think taking out the "was" in line 12 and replacing it with "just"? Not sure how to rework L13
 — cubbzor

I like the idea, I'll have to ponder the presentation before I suggest anything.
 — Isabelle5

any new thoughts? I'd like to try to revamp this
 — cubbzor

the first two lines
on each stanza
work well,
the remainders
of both do not,
and struggle.
 — unknown

why don't the rest work?
 — cubbzor

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