none are to judge
or to prosecute
then who is there to deny my aspirations
if there are none to oppose me
then what i believe is what exists
11 Jun 09
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Tis a shrewd doubt, though it be but a dream, And this may help to thicken other proofs,
That do demonstrate thinly.
Othello Act 3, Scene 3
that there are none that oppose me...
hm, statement-type poems are tricky.
tricky to get that big point across with a new vision or idea.
this is kind of a thing that has been said before.
i think the lines could be shortened.
i like the title. If's are interesting.
i think you could eliminate both 'ifs' in lines 1/2
and change 2 'or to prosecute'
question mark after L3? i see you have no use for punctuation
but if you ask a question i think it's an obvious need.
the only think with ridding myself of the first two 'if's is that i want it to be solid that it's an 'if' kind of deal. there are those who judge and prosecute me, so it would defeat the purpose of the poem to eliminate them.
thank you for your suggestions, i'll definitely slip in a question mark haha
if you know of any works along these lines, it would lovely to know of them
the reason i suggested removing the ifs in those lines is because you state it in your title. the title is the grand opening to your main thought. it is absolutely assumed after reading the title. it becomes tired for the reader. the title becomes the first line of your poem.
then of course repeating 'if' in L4 is wonderful.
i hope you don't mind my elaboration. you don't have to change anything, just trying to show you what i meant.
i don't know any similar poems off the top of my head, but if i come across one i'll peg it for you.
you know what? i completely forgot about the title. it's always something i just write in because people will always ask 'what's it called?'. so you have an excellent point haha
thanks for the pontification,
i like |4 most especially.
it's all mind stuff really and
we are what we think.
what happened to your other poem, btw?
welcome to PC.
i took the other one off to make room for another one. i like the concept of the other one, but i need time for the diction.
oh, and thanks haha
the question asked is a non-question, as each experience, and each perspective of every human is valid.
natural opposition is a consequence of there being variation in "life".
you are opposed because others think, and are different to you, naturally, as a consequence of them being them, and you being you.
before i truncated this poem to this size, i tried to include what you're saying. unfortunately, it wasn't as straightforward as i like...not as clean.
Not necessarily. Even if you're alone, you can still be wrong.
This is not big enough or strong enough to stand alone. Your wording still sounds hesitant, as if you're asking for verification. Think "I think, therefore I am" kind of strength.
you are true, my friend.
i went back with a smile. see?
the diction is somewhat hesitant because this is not the reality. it is a musing. so yes, it is not 'strong,' but a sad resignation to the truth...ergo, there is no need for verification.
I love this, you describe a world I'd like to live in.
this is 'aphorism' and not poetry, and it cheapens the thought, since it's telling the reader how to think, but not giving the reader any room. a good aphorism combines levels and dimensions, and this one is just 'street smart on easy street'.