poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Dismembered
SodaKid

I’d rather have your legs
 1
severed at the thigh
 2
and stacked in a bundle
 3
next to the fireplace,
 4
your feet still kicking
 5
in window-display high heels,
 6
nylons carefully removed,
 7
beforehand.
 8
 
 
I want the rest of your body
 9
hinged, so that I can bend it back
 10
at acute angles
 11
and make subtle adjustments
 12
you won’t remember.
 13
 
 
I imagine vacuum-sealed lips
 14
packed, tightly, into a vending machine.
 15
Bridgett Bardot puckering
 16
behind glass, applying a thin layer
 17
of Vaseline, repeatedly.
 18
 
 
Her mouth, stuffed with batteries,
 19
slides, very slowly, over the counter.
 20
 
 
I’d rather have Anna Karina
 21
fed on opium cake and sake
 22
until her vacant, manga-eyes
 23
are blotted out.
 24
Soon, I’ll have her
 25
falling against the walls,
 26
unable to stand in such tight shoes.
 27
 
 
I’d rather have Isabella Rossellini
 28
tied up in the pigsty,
 29
begging me, in Italian,
 30
for a bath.
 31
I see her limbs
 32
tangled in the jungle gym,
 33
inseparable from the metal bars.
 34
 
 
Banished to the sandbox,
 35
she begins to lie
 36
in perfect positions,
 37
a belt tightening,
 38
gradually, around her waist.
 39

16 Jun 09

Rated 9.7 (6.8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 10
Inactive (9): 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

This reminds me of a Joyce Carol Oats short story I read in "The Female of the Species," wherein the maniquinns of this high-end women's store were actualy patrons they killed in the back and dressed up.  perhaps consider picking up a copy of the book - its quite the read.
 — WordsAndMe

Very graphic. Very well-written. It rather frightens me how much I actually like this.
 — Ananke

NOW THIS IS A DAMN DOG GOOD READ! LOve lOVE LOVE
did i say love it?
 — unknown

Thanks, everyone.
 — SodaKid

This poem very much disturbs me, which is why I love it so much.  It is an educated kind of frightening, a researched type of fear.  This is damn good, Sodakid. Damn good.
 — WordsAndMe

hmmmmm..... scary.
And it's weird how you can think of bondage, and be poetic.

Nice write.
 — majan

Much appreciated.
 — SodaKid

jefferey dahmer lives on


still got the munchies i c
 — unknown

L7 - perhaps remove 'your'. it is already written in L5, and not necessary to repeat.
L12- i'm wondering about the use of the word 'amputations'. it seems like it is included for shock value (indeed, the whole poem seems intended for that) but you've already used the idea in the first stanza, by severing legs. repeating it takes away it's merit, i think.
L21 doesn't need to be capitalised.
L25 - i don't like the phrase 'ex'd out', but at the same time, i'm sure i couldn't begin to think of something better in it's place.

aesthetically, i would prefer the last stanza to be shorter, whether by changing the line breaks, or making L37 onwards into a separate stanza. or, on the other hand, maybe consider combing the first two stanzas into one.

after mentioning all of that, let me say that this poem is quite incredible, it's incomprehensible to me that someone could think of the idea, let alone write such a brilliant poem. (but i must confess, i have not heard of the people mentioned in it, although i'm sure i should have.)
 — inutile

thanx for the critique.  I will work on it when I get home later.  The three women are all actresses, who were very beautiful and often valued only for their physical beauty.  Bardot and Karina were in Godard films and I remember Rossellini from Blue Velvet.
 — SodaKid

Only made a few, very minor changes.  I am thinking on how to change "subtle amputations", because I agree that it is redundant.  Does anybody think that Ln 36 "inseparable from the metal bars" is rhythmically gaudy?  It sounds like there are too many syllables at the end of that stanza and I'm not sure that it is needed. I might cut that line.  An opinion would be appreciated.
 — SodaKid

I believe you need to find out how to spell 'Anna Karina.'  If this is our famous Russan girl, you need a few more letters in her name!

Very disturbing!  Creative and not the run of the mill poem, that's for sure.  I expected the belt to be around her neck for some reason.  
 — Isabelle5

Dear God, it reminds me of a TOOL video for some reason.  That's the visual I get.  Clever, and a dark, sexy read.
 — CervusWright

very grime! but effective.Hi, I'm new to poetry and liked this poem. I have two poems posted and would like some of your feed back. They're both about the Vietnam war, the titles are "Operation Taylor Common" & "Taking Chance" if you get a chance I'd appreciate your feedback. Thanks BxPR
 — BxPR

bloody well write -- you've a rictus grin in the way you play with dolls -- the two year-old psychopath tearing legs off a spider with a smile that is wider -- you've a good beat that carries your macabre poem down the page, mellifluously, without any rage -- your descriptors don't take away from the intensity there just leave our mouths open, eyes wide in a stare -- all good metaphor creates tension by shaking our faith in our anticipation 'n producing uncertainty, incorporating surprise -- here you've surprised us by risking absurdity, playing the title's use of cliche' while the body is dismembered -- like a sycophant to a psychopath the dance of the dead, I read 'n relished
 — AlchemiA

AlchemiA, your critiques are almost poems in themselves.  Thanx for reading and for being able to articulate why you like it.
 — SodaKid

Thanks for the critique SodaKid on "Taking Chance" but you have too many technical points for me I've only been writing for less than two months. I appreciate the punctuation correction though and will take them under consideration. Also as a combat vet I tend to avoid "gruesome detail," it evokes too many bad memories and may be something I'll have to deal with as part of P.T.S.D.  It is essentually a poetic movie review review in the final analysis. As to style I believe it definitely has it, some may not recognize, appreciate, or acknowledge it but it does have it.  But again thanks for the input and I would have liked a rating. Anyway keep it real not so technical poetry should be fun not work, shouldn't it?.
 — BxPR

P.S. your son's poem is great! Say hi to him hope to see him in the workshop this Thursda
 — BxPR

great success on lines 32-34.
 — aerol

line 21 Anna Karenina?
 — unknown

No.  This is not the russian book.  Anna Karina was a French film actress.  
 — SodaKid

This is a bloody good write...or should I say bloodless...this is heavy and moribund, just the way I like it  ;)
 — JKWeb

I don't find this disturbing at all, if you understand who the characters are--how the metaphors work.  The only thing I find disturbing is why this recieved a one rating. A very creative, well written piece.
 — PaulS

hmm...

very very gneiss.

: )
 — causeimbored

hmm...

very very gneiss.

: )
— causeimbored          ; [!]


yes, it is.
now go to bed.

; )
 — fractalcore

Karina threw me as well, spelling took me out of the poem. Most readers will reference the Russian, maybe write simply French actress, or another icon you can feed your opium cake to? L 34, just drop "the." Complex write. I think it would be stronger if you got rid of the "I'd rather" refrain. Start with "your legs/severed at the thigh" and so forth. Fragments work well with the cut up and hushed up subject, anyway. You don't need to write things like "I imagine." It's inferred.
 — NicMichaels

this is really good..i seem to have caught it late..but great for Halloween..
 — brother_sun

Yeesh, gad-- this is quite disturbing, and yet so disturbing to me is that I really liked it.
And I am of the female persuasion and should find this a pc. of male ego tripe.
and yet I still don't. :)

However I think you should seek council.
 — unknown

Nice!  I love!  Appeals to all the loverly dark places in my head.
 — sybarite

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