poetry critical

online poetry workshop



i can tell you yes like yes
intocosmos

I can tell you yes like
 1
yes coriander and fennel torrent,
 2
fire-lit table and rosewater
 3
sweat.
 4
 
 
and yes like
 5
yes open window, damp
 6
towel on forehead when the
 7
heat’s wet and
 8
hardening; your words,
 9
your breath make me
 10
tired.
 11
 
 
I can tell you yes like
 12
yes cement leaf stains,
 13
child’s blurry street chalk
 14
three blocks away you
 15
smear one day with
 16
your hand; I ask if you
 17
meant to and you never
 18
respond.
 19
 
 
and yes like
 20
yes teeth I never see,
 21
your smile on leave
 22
in some exotic; it
 23
takes pictures of cafes
 24
it visits, sends me
 25
letters but forgets the
 26
postage.
 27
 
 
I can tell you yes like
 28
yes other hand I know isn’t
 29
mine; yes inwardly I wonder
 30
if you know that,
 31
too.
 32
 
 
and yes like
 33
yes toilet paper I buy
 34
in the smaller pack; yes moss
 35
in the shower that grows less
 36
often.
 37
 
 
I can tell you yes like
 38
yes tamarind, yes loose
 39
filling, yes resting dough
 40
and yes boiling
 41
oil.
 42
 
 
and yes like
 43
yes I don’t prepare
 44
as much food
 45
anymore.
 46
 
 
I can tell you yes like
 47
yes I'm not sure my
 48
yes is a
 49
yes at all,
 50
 
 
just no like
 51
no so tender
 52
when touched it
 53
disappears.
 54

29 Jun 09

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(14 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

    Mostly what i got out of this was yes... to a lot of things ha-ha... never yes to marriage though, perhaps in wisdom... your writing was good an your thoughts were good, they took me everywhere, a lot of thoughts went into this piece... J. G. Smiles
 — goeszon

47-49 seems too explanatory, or maybe just "I never really say" could be reworded?

love love the diminishing lines to the final no

this poem is the bitter of an orange rind and the far away of everything
 — Ananke

Thanks for the feedback! I think you're right, Ananke, I will find a better phrasing for that line.
 — intocosmos

Much better now. If I could change my 10 to an 11, I would.
 — Ananke

line 23 is there a word missing after exotic?
 — unknown

nice composition, structure to this... nice touch on the final stanza ;)
 — syrossoul

Unknown,

No, there is not a missing word, I'm using exotic as a noun.
 — intocosmos

0.576s