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Common sense. Simple Common sense.

I'm pickin up pennies
for a pack of malb reds
silver shards like bright barb wire
and a pocket full of meds
spittin songs about subconcious
and i can't breath out a line
that hasn't been constructed
in another artist's time
i'm feeling carma in serenity
fall foward towards the sun
i'm calling bluff on common sense
and i'm out and on the run
from bright blue lights and endless nights
and calling shots out of the way
i feel as cold as deep december
but i fell in love with may.
explosions wrapped in bubble wrap
blow smoke inside a bottle
pull full throttle through my reason
and that's all i have to say.
about the way i'm feeling bored
and the plot to mend my eyes
i'm failure dressed up in disguise
and i'll show you line by line
sense is something that's been made
and words are just a riff
that i can't help but comprehend
in simple intake of a spliff
i can't make sense of six steel strings
resign an echo of a feeling
something that i'm not aquainted to
it's something that's revealing
to a soul, an endless hole
that can take your life away
i can't make sense of what i'm writing
or what i think i'm trying to say
i have no message and no image
i'm just a hollow man of words
i'm hoping somehow you'll make sense
simply in my own defense
of everything that you have heard.

29 Jun 09

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i love this piece. beautiful.
 — brokenarrows

I like it very much. Did you deliberately misspell karma with a 'c'? It jarred me, but it also seemed to fit a little better with the flow, so I wondered.
 — morganna

:-) thank you for picking up on that, morganna. indeed, it is mispelled on purpose to emphasize the lazy, simplicity of the flow. same with capitalization and punctuation. i want every line not to stress too much, and every line to stress the same so it is on organism in one fluid motion. does what i've done achieve this?

thank you very much, brokenarrows. that means a lot.
 — brushwoo

I think you've achieved your aim. The misspellings in lines 5 (subconcious), 6 (would ordinarily be breathe in context) and 31 (aquainted) also interrupt the flow, for me. The only one I think would affect the flow if changed would be changing aquainted to acquainted. The 'c' might be jarring, but I think it would make the impact of 'carma' more powerful and easily understood as deliberate if all the other spelling were correct.

After line 21, there are no more commas or periods until the end. It flows, but so much so that the lines flow together for me. I didn't find the commas and periods distracting in earlier lines, rather they provided breaks and pauses for my eyes to rest and get ready for the next section.

I really like it. I want you to know, I keep making suggestions because I do like it so much.
 — morganna

:-) thank you. and i'll look over this and take what you've said into account.
 — brushwoo