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Common sense. Simple Common sense.
brushwoo

I'm pickin up pennies
 1
for a pack of malb reds
 2
silver shards like bright barb wire
 3
and a pocket full of meds
 4
spittin songs about subconcious
 5
and i can't breath out a line
 6
that hasn't been constructed
 7
in another artist's time
 8
i'm feeling carma in serenity
 9
fall foward towards the sun
 10
i'm calling bluff on common sense
 11
and i'm out and on the run
 12
from bright blue lights and endless nights
 13
and calling shots out of the way
 14
i feel as cold as deep december
 15
but i fell in love with may.
 16
explosions wrapped in bubble wrap
 17
blow smoke inside a bottle
 18
pull full throttle through my reason
 19
and that's all i have to say.
 20
about the way i'm feeling bored
 21
and the plot to mend my eyes
 22
i'm failure dressed up in disguise
 23
and i'll show you line by line
 24
sense is something that's been made
 25
and words are just a riff
 26
that i can't help but comprehend
 27
in simple intake of a spliff
 28
i can't make sense of six steel strings
 29
resign an echo of a feeling
 30
something that i'm not aquainted to
 31
it's something that's revealing
 32
to a soul, an endless hole
 33
that can take your life away
 34
i can't make sense of what i'm writing
 35
or what i think i'm trying to say
 36
i have no message and no image
 37
i'm just a hollow man of words
 38
i'm hoping somehow you'll make sense
 39
simply in my own defense
 40
of everything that you have heard.
 41

29 Jun 09

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Comments:

i love this piece. beautiful.
 — brokenarrows

I like it very much. Did you deliberately misspell karma with a 'c'? It jarred me, but it also seemed to fit a little better with the flow, so I wondered.
 — morganna

:-) thank you for picking up on that, morganna. indeed, it is mispelled on purpose to emphasize the lazy, simplicity of the flow. same with capitalization and punctuation. i want every line not to stress too much, and every line to stress the same so it is on organism in one fluid motion. does what i've done achieve this?

thank you very much, brokenarrows. that means a lot.
 — brushwoo

I think you've achieved your aim. The misspellings in lines 5 (subconcious), 6 (would ordinarily be breathe in context) and 31 (aquainted) also interrupt the flow, for me. The only one I think would affect the flow if changed would be changing aquainted to acquainted. The 'c' might be jarring, but I think it would make the impact of 'carma' more powerful and easily understood as deliberate if all the other spelling were correct.

After line 21, there are no more commas or periods until the end. It flows, but so much so that the lines flow together for me. I didn't find the commas and periods distracting in earlier lines, rather they provided breaks and pauses for my eyes to rest and get ready for the next section.

I really like it. I want you to know, I keep making suggestions because I do like it so much.
 — morganna

:-) thank you. and i'll look over this and take what you've said into account.
 — brushwoo

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