|Butterflies from Hades
I caught butterflies on my tongue
it felt as if
my mouth rinsed glass-
stark faith cradled
I cursed them
with a cardinal smile
beautiful creatures, purities dead
I sprayed a prayer
in divested guile
and blood overflowed
their hateful chalice
a metamorphosis transpired
I drink, I drank
till my belly split
steeped with chrysalis
they took flight
their vehement feed
filled the air with bloody wings
2 Jul 09
Rated 10 (8.3) by 4 users.
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comments, crits, suggestions...?
the title does justice for the poem. there's something strangely mythical about this. you also did well with the rhythm.
also, line nineteen stands out. and blood wings is a powerful image.
oh, and line fourteen is good.
thank you very much listen-
me glad you like :)
forgot to mention that your imagery itself is good.
just glad to read this.
I agree with listen about the imagery in this poem. this is a very ambitious write JK--the religious references are not at all subtle, but are very well done. I like this very much, it is a well written piece--some might take exception to this this because of their religious preference, but not me--from my point of view this is excellent.
Thank you very much PaulS-
I very much appreciate your crit and comments...I'm glad you like it...
and thank you for visiting again listen...
any other comments, crits, suggestions?
I enjoyed this much. Liked the play between pesticide and sermon(or whatever its called)
I dont know if this was intended but I found "voracious proboscis" and the overall concept of butterflies from hades really funny. nice job.
Unique and creative. Wonderful word choices and flow. Nice writing.
smile. this reads like a strange first translation from hungarian -- the embedded cases and verb directions, which are so easy in some other language, have to be fully filled ih english. but, i like that you did this dance, this baroque vision of a future minuet.
thank you all very much for taking the time to read and comment...
me glad you like : )
I sit , read this over , over, but i am transfixed by it ... there is... something about it that speaks out at me, perhaps the butterfly or something, their stark faith cradled, their scaled wings, beautiful creatures, steeped with chrysalis, their voracious proboscis , standing out of course, their vehement feed, with bloody wings, they filled the air... bouncing with the wind... solemn creatures... look for rest... some cardinals take away... then to swing till mounted on a scrub, there is no more time to play... excellent piece i am still transfixed upon this ... j.g.smiles
I appreciate you too taking the time to dissect my poem...
glad you like... :) (:
i am enamored with twenty through the last lines. lines thirteen and fifteen are iffy only because of the drink drank, present past stuff. the rest is in the past tense, perhaps keeping it that way would make it stick more but over all i love it. beautiful ;)
I read with a rictus grin drinking deep the bloody feast you've been with butterfly's razor smiles complete with honey-suckle'd sin -- a macabre play well writ JKWeb
for giving my poem a l@@k...I appreciate it...
Thank you for your cool poetic comment
me glad you like... :)
thanks a bunch for reading and commenting...
lots of neat imagery, viscerally felt
some good phrasings
you have fun with tenses.
a bit bombastic
vehement feed makes no sense to me. but i could be dumb.
i feel you reaching with this, trying to attempt something challenging. i commend you for challenging yourself.
add to line 4 -leaving an admiral's eye
think about butterfly type and significance.
this is one of the best i've read on here beautiful imagery that only loses power on last line (do butterflies bleed?)
last line could be - air turned silk into ?
Thank you noodleman for insight and comments...
vehement is good, I googled it... :)
thank you as well Caducus-
I'm glad you like it, I appreciate the kudos...
the blood on the butterfly wings was not theirs
I love the first line and then it goes into something so unbutterflyish that I was caught up in the imagination of it all. Demonic butterflies! (Kind of like Bridezillas!)
I don't need to know everything that's going on to like it, which is a relief. The lines and images are brave and different, creative. I love the 'vehement feed' line. I'm thinking African vultures only very, very small!
thanks for having a l@@k see at my poement...
that would be small vultures with proboscis as opposed to beak :)
11-13 my favorites. This is very well crafted, James. Congrats on being up there at the top. ;)
I appreciate you checking it out...
me ams happy you like ;)
"Beautiful" - vague, over-generalized, abstract, has no impact, nondescript.
I'd cut Ln 13, and take out the repetition of bathing. Choose one. It does nothing for the poem to say it twice.
the same with lines 15 and 20. The repetition serves no function other than that it disorients the reader.
Overall, very provocative, vivid images and stimulating language. Love it.
Thank you very much SodaKid-
I'm glad you enjoyed reading...
I don't know why I'm the only one who does not like this. It's not as if I don't like stuff. I do. This just feels so unrealistic, I can't place it in my vision at all. It's overblown and inflated.
as if I don't like macabre stuff*
dang, I revealed my unknownness, whoops
That's what I like about it. It's overblownnesses and inflatednesses. For some reason can't seem to use real words here. It suspends our disbelief. It is a fantasy.
I know, and that's why I waited to comment on this. I read it when it was first posted, tried and tried to like it. I *like* fantasy. I like the fantastic.
This just feels too pretending, like a dungeon in a fairy tale that's described in detail but doesn't belong in the story and has no participation in the plot.
that's exactly what I was shooting for...
like noodleman said, it's bombastic and I guess I've
succeded to a certain degree...
Thank you for stopping by again ;)
it's a heavily clad poem
which is ok and i know you intended it
and i like the richness and blood.
i don't like the abundance of 'their' and 'they'
in the poem. this could be avoided i think.
people like to write about butterflies
in all sorts of ways, don't they. i like them too.
your title makes me think of Karl Childers
with all that talk about Hades. cool. =-)
thanks for having a l@@k @ my poem...
thank you for your brief but cool comment
I'm glad you like it ;)
some butterflies are toxic if ingested.
this poem is toxic
ummm...thanks crab...I think :l
Interesting that your butterflies are scary and beautiful at the same time too. :-) I love your title - it could also be used for my poem.......I want to steal it!!
I didn't read this in a religious context initially, because it feels very physical and I was caught up in that.
Lines 1-3 I love these 3 lines.
Lines 9-10 I'm not sure you need these - the religious imagery is strong enough without maybe?
Lines 16-17 gory and evocative
It does feel slightly overdone (line 19 maybe?) but at the same time, I can understand why butterflies might inspire that kind of drama :-)
for reading and commenting
I was going for that "over-the-top" feel on this one
thanks again for stopping by :)
why did the butterflies feel like glass?
Thank you for reading.
Is that all you can say? you got nothing? no explanation? you can write it- but yet you can not be bothered to explain?
"It felt as if my mouth rinsed glass?" why?
ghost and unknown(s)-
You really want me to explain?
Or are you just yankin' my chain?
The butterflies are from hell, it's all metaphorical.
"It felt as if / my mouth rinsed glass."
Mmmm.. Yes. This is some really nice poetry, lamely put. I love the imagery that you present. :3 It's wonderful.
Thanks for the nice words and making this a fave.
Bravo dear man!
I find this poem to be exquisite!
Thank you very much. Glad you like it.
perhaps taking out puities dead,
I sprayed a prayer
Thanks for reading and suggestions. I've trimmed this an awful lot since the intial post and I'd hate to trim anymore and lose sight of what I was trying to convey. Nonetheless, I do appreciate it.
wow...this is great!!!
for reading and accolades.
my choice for the day, very nice.
for reading and nice comment.
whoa, quite nice,
Thank you much fractalcore
for reading, commenting and making a fave.
for taking the time to read and comment.
much admire l15-18 - very well executed.
Thanks a bunch Caducus. Glad you like 15-18. Gratitude.
A quite powerful and subtle work that I very much have enjoyed.
I wanted to tell you so.
How did I miss this one??
Another great write web!
Much gratitude for reading and positive feedback unholy.
Thank you too mandolyn. I'm glag you like.
spam for breakfast.
Hi JK - strangely disjointed and surreal this with L13 and L19 not quite working for me - proboscis goes for animals too so 'voracious nose' comes to mind - maybe haustellum/ae and delete 13? Thanks to the spammer (whom I still wish a most unpleasant demise upon) I didn't miss this interesting piece - quite the mix of lepidoptera and alien's bursting out of stomachs!Mitch :-)
thanks mitch. looking at this again, I see what you mean. modified.
wow! that's a lot of spam.
love the way it rubs on the page too. nice. Ed
L10 digested bile ?
thanks for reading and comment unknown. will have to give your suggestion some thought.
Infiniteyl better JK Bravo - mitch :-)
Infinitely better JK Bravo - mitch :-)
i know this feeling, bad feeling, good poem,
spam from Hades.
thanks for the return pdemitch.
thanks for reading and comment Odin.