poetry critical

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painting red
silentspring

excuse me
 1
yes you with the black words.
 2
would you care to hold this corner
 3
deep in my chest?
 4
yes I know the blood flows strangely
 5
and doctors make it look so easy
 6
but if it isn't too much trouble
 7
I must ask you take a piece
 8
and just tear it straight out.
 9
it needn't be clean
 10
dont worry
 11
it's dysfunctional.
 12
no one will care.
 13
 
 
pardon me my friend
 14
if you could take a firm hold of my hand
 15
just pull straight towards you
 16
slowly preferably.
 17
dont mind the noise
 18
ive cut down the dotted lines
 19
sliced the seams
 20
so such imperfect skin should slide right off.
 21
use it as a diary
 22
for to the knowing eye
 23
it's a novel.
 24
words have faded and people fallen
 25
so if you miss some around the edges
 26
no one will notice.
 27
 
 
sorry to bother you my dear
 28
but i believe when i left him
 29
for you
 30
i made the biggest mistake
 31
because at least he wanted me happy.
 32
you're too busy stabbing me
 33
between protruding ribs to even notice
 34
most dangerous of all
 35
i stopped crying.
 36
 
 
simple blues
 37
if i could paint today
 38
i would paint in wisps of changing blue
 39
soaked strokes
 40
but that would immortalize you
 41
so instead
 42
maybe ill paint the bathtub red.
 43

12 Jul 09

Rated 9.5 (8.8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (4): 1, 7, 9, 9, 10

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Comments:

dont you dare
 — peoplescareT

this is why i use words. distractions.
 — silentspring

I dont want to take this and turn it into something its not but if your words ever falter email me. I use words to describe the distractions and I use distractions to make life.

If this is inapropriate please disregard.
 — peoplescareT

I think you have 2.5 poems here. L1-L27 are great. L28-L36 seem to change pace and L37-L43 seem like a piece from a diffrent puzzle all together. When I think about tempo on a poem I think about it like a car ride. (sounds stupid I know) but it reminds me it's okay to change speed I just need to make it fluid rather than all brakes or all gas. Hope it helps.
 — frogilicus

i like this
but i've never seen
a red bathtub and
liked it.

so don't.
: )
 — fractalcore

thanks.
 — silentspring

im no authority, but your writting, to me, has vastly improved. nice write
 — syrossoul

i'd give you examples as to why that is, but at the moment im incoherent.
 — syrossoul

im glad u think its getting better.
 — silentspring

what is this bullshit. you suck!
 — unknown

this is heavy...the whole poem is well writ but I especially like the last stanza 37-43...
 — JKWeb

i like your poem.
 — noodleman

thank you
 — silentspring

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