poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Prosaic: My Prozac
fractalcore

they boil --
 1
green waters frozen by
 2
your exaggerated attempts
 3
at "poker face" --
 4
now.
 5
 
 
couldn't just sit there, sing
 6
my heart out all night,
 7
while you pretend to be
 8
one of the crowd,
 9
while i pretend to be
 10
not staring at you
 11
through treacherous eyelids.
 12
 
 
my guitar playing is still
 13
rusty, much rustier now, in fact,
 14
still can't get that "i'm yours"
 15
song right.
 16
 
 
yes,
 17
i still haven't earned the right
 18
frame of mind to come to terms with "why
 19
you left" or "why you should" or
 20
"i'm knee-deep into the quicksand
 21
and still can run".
 22
 
 
oh, no.
 23
 
 
sometimes
 24
i
 25
forget
 26
 
 
i've been kneeling all day.
 27




written may 30, 2009
now undergoing migration from elsewhere


aka lemme right some thin foe ewe eh knee weigh

for YOU


     ____
    __/__
      /\
    /   \
fractalcore
     : )

29 Jul 09


(define the words in this poem)
(205 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

nice piece :)

if i may could you consider the : instead of -- in the first line?

and treacherous eyelids just doesn't seem right...but can't find anything to replace it either so i guess its just me :)
— cebukitty         &n bsp;[!]

me think the treacherous eyelids- looks just right there frac.
i see what you write- and believe me i have looked through
treacherous eyelids myself a few time.
pull yourself outa that quicksand- you can't stay into it for long
or else ya sink, got it?

i like this
— unknown         &nbs p;[!]

you're stretching in and gathering your demons for dis-closure in a write and that's outta site that you've the courage to wail and moan about the skeletons in your closet and the ghosts that don't leave you alone -- ;) makes me smile this feeling write
— AlchemiA         &nb sp;[!]

kind of stopped on treacherous eyelids too.

but, yeah, this is cut nicely such the auto don't impede with the non-auto auto. such is the power of the reflective divide.

nicely crooned.
— DeformedLion          ; [!]

hi, cebukitty.

i think i'll stick with the -- in the 1st strophe
but i'll definitely use the : in my title.

-- looks like closed eyelids with staring eyes
behind them while : looks like eyes battling
insomnia in bed.

what do you think?
: )
— fractalcore           [!]

hmm consider:
through slitted eyelids?...still doesn't sound "right" no?  ah well...but great poem...great title too ;)
— cebukitty         &n bsp;[!]

well, i think i like the idea of 'treacherous' with a
subdued connotation. i'll just let it sit for a while
though and see if something new comes to mind.

thanks so much for the suggestions and appreciation.
: )
— fractalcore           [!]

unknown:

i'm outta the quicksand, thank you -- i was on my
knees running, hehe. yep, i think i'll stick with the
'treacherous' right there.

glad you could relate to the experience and thanks
so much for reading and the appreciation.

: )
— fractalcore           [!]

DeformedLion:

thanks for gracing this page.
glad the line breaks work for you.

: )
— fractalcore           [!]

ok.






bump.
: )
— fractalcore           [!]

again, some interesting devices in your writing, and a good example of internal dialogue writing. i dislike "end game" plot endings, this has a good example of that. it's an "inspirational", or "aspirational" big worded poster ending. it would be better worked into the body, rather than an appendage.
— unknown         &nbs p;[!]

thanks, unk.

i took the risk with that last line anyway
and i can't seem to find a place for it other
than where it is now in the sequence.

: )
— fractalcore           [!]
 — fractalcore

bumpeetee day, everee-one.
; )
 — fractalcore

0.453s